On Being A Small Blue Dot In A Dark Red, Theocratic State

Just for fun, since I am doing some long-overdue digital housekeeping, here’s an article from 2007. This is, you’ll note, before Barack Obama was elected President. You may want to keep that part in mind when you read (that, and this is dated; I don’t get newspapers dumped on my lawn anymore–if you stop paying them, they do eventually cut it out–and those unwanted Pennysaver rags can’t be stopped by anything short of a very, VERY high wall).

HERE’S THE OLD STUFF:

I’ve also been catching up on the massive pile of newspapers–the newspapers I didn’t want and which rarely arrive (or which get swiped before I go fetch them from the puddles in the driveway, where they always end up)–and which are 90% adverts. Somehow a WTOC “news” paper ended up in the reading spot instead of being pitched, unread, into a bin. Each time I have attempted to read it, it makes me develop frown wrinkles.

WTOC 11 is one of a handful of local “news” channels, and, I’m 99% sure, they are responsible for the advert I groused about previously, which involved a rich white guy standing behind a White Baby Jesus nativity scene and reading ponderously from The Bible, which started airing in October, thus earning two frownie marks at once. October is for Hallowe’en (and my birthday), but not for pushing Christmas down my throat before I’m out of overpriced, undersized Tootsie Pops. Also, not everyone down here is Christian, though it sometimes sure seems like it. Maybe I’m grumpy, but it seems foolish for a supposedly unbiased news channel to air religious propaganda. Since they are FOX NEWS-lite, though, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.

To my surprise and delight, though I couldn’t find the original article online (their website is terrible), I did find a comment from someone at Fort Stewart (military, of course) who grumped about another article Bill Cathcart (the article writer, and The Highest Muckity Muck at the station) penned wherein Cathcart misinterpreted Dennis Kucinich’s recent nay vote (unrelated to the article I’m grumping about, but intended to spark discussion about the “real” reasons behind the Iraq war and 9/11 and so on, from what I gathered) and wound up talking about Christianity for the last 2/3 or the article, which had fuck all to do with anything. The military guy patiently posted the more accurate details about the Kucinich vote and then complained that the pro-GOP and pro-Jesus stuff was really unnecessary. Word. And all the more “word” because, lo and behold, it proves that at least one of the many military d00dz in Jesusland is capable of having a lick of sense, and thinking for himself. (Imagine how popular he must be among his peers. Poor guy.)

Enjoy the article, which I have transcribed for your pleasure, and which would otherwise be lost to the mists of time (even the Wayback Machine failed me):

“Like the continual drip of a rusted faucet, ridiculous actions never cease. Two more servings of compost scooped from the heap. Several high school students in ever-progressive Boulder, Colorado, walked out of their classrooms to protest the daily recitation of the Pledge Of Allegiance, which includes, of course, our much-cherished tribute to God’s guidance. These left-ward youngsters chose to recite, instead, their own secular version, claiming that ours violates the Constitution’s “separation” clause, which, as you well know, does not exist.”

ZOMG! Two teenagers not wanting to pray at school! The horror! How “ridiculous”! What “compost”!

Shall we take bets on where Cathcart stands on the Creationism v. Evolution battlelines? No?

And when did “progressive” become a BAD thing? Honestly?

“Look, you want to write your own wedding vows, have at it. But you do not edit the American citizen’s pledge of loyalty to suit your own Mother Earth needs. Chalk up another one to social studies replacing history classes, and our trendy micro-focus on self. Forget our country; it’s me that counts. And, oh, by the way, God, thanks for the earth and stuff, but we’ve got it handled, so we’re cutting you loose.” 

First, let us applaud Cathcart’s generous offer to allow people to write their own vows without his disapproval. What a great guy!

Whereas I do agree that “micro-focus on self” is a problem a lot of kids seem to be afflicted with these days, and it is something I might fuss about in the future, I disagree that it runs hand in hand with Gaea worship (or that this might be wrong, as religion is a personal thing, thanks). I also resent the constant reminder, by fundies, that they take the whole Genesis thing really, really literally.

“Colorado requires its schools to read the Pledge daily over the PA. Students may either recite or stand quietly. So, with their Constitutional objection bogus, kids opting out, or even refusing to simply listen to our Pledge, must either be confused about where they are, or prefer to commit their allegiance to some other nation or galaxy. Ah, the sweet arrogance of youth.”

You can bet that if the school recited a “Gaea pledge” every morning that Cathcart would be railing against this just as strenuously as he is railing against the students who are trying to find a middle ground where they can still pledge allegiance to America without bringing someone else’s religious beliefs into it. Because they don’t want to pledge allegiance to someone else’s God, they are automatically bad kids. I don’t agree.

Some “other nation or galaxy”? What the eff?

“And speaking of professing allegiance to a nation other than America, according to a just-released Opinion Dynamics voter poll, 5% of Republicans, 7% of Independents and 19% of Democrats feel that the world would be better off if the United States lost the war in Iraq! Incredible and despicable. Talk about being self-possessed, or more likely, just plain possessed. While they have a right to that opinion, they should be absolutely ashamed to have it, given that this foolishness is just all about punishing President Bush. Our country and its future be damned.”

Note the TINY percentage of people who disagree with Cathcart’s point of view, here, and it is STILL pissing him off, though he graciously allows that they have the right to disagree. Even so, he just knows that they feel this way because they are out to punish Bush. There could be no other reason for their opinion. Furthermore, since they are so wrong-headed, they should be ashamed! SHAME on them for holding a different opinion, because clearly that also means they don’t give a crap about Amurika and where it is going.

Or, conversely, maybe they care A LOT, and didn’t like seeing tens of thousands of people dying for a trumped-up war that has produced no WMDs and where the trigger point was ostensibly 9-11, something NO Iraqis have been tied to, ever. (But the Saudis are our political buddies, you know.)

He can NOT stand it that even a small handful of people, of all political persuasions, disagree with him (and Bush). How can they not see the WISDOM and RIGHTNESS of the war? How can they say it would be okay to LOSE? How HORRIBLE and un-American!

GAH! People like this drive me crazy.

“By the way, those ex-patriots might want to remember that wish when the center of their city is in ruins, since a loss in Iraq clearly beckons further attacks here.”

Oh, CLEARLY. Because Iraqis flew planes into buildings, you know. And killing as many of them you can get your hands on will stop the random handful of nutburgers who embarrass their less-crazed neighbors by kamikazi-ing into stuff for the promise of seventy virgins and a mess of figs and honey in the afterlife.

Maybe losing the war would be unpleasant, but since we foolishly got into that mess on false pretenses in the first place, I don’t know that sticking it out is going to magically make things all better.

“Beyond un-American and pro-terrorist, defeat-at-any-price is imbecilic. Our loss there would be catastrophic, for Iraq, for the Middle East, for Europe, for the United States. To actually embrace defeat, people have to be out of their minds. Oh, wait, that’s it. They are! And they don’t belong in this country.”

ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Translation: “You disagree with me? You are crazy, and you need to leave the country.” Sir, if you will pay for my relocation, I will gladly take you up on your kind non-offer.

Now, let’s discuss.

Separation of church and state is a political and legal idea usually identified with the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, which states that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…

The phrase building a wall of separation between church and state was written by Thomas Jeffersonin a January 1, 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association. (Wikipedia)

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” thus building a wall of separation between Church & State.” (Thomas Jefferson)

… no man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burthened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief; but that all men shall be free to profess, and by argument to maintain, their opinion in matters of religion, and that the same shall in no wise diminish enlarge, or affect their civil capacities. (James Madison)

What Cathcart is saying (which is actually true) is that the exact phrase “separation of church and state” itself does not appear in the Constitution, but, on the other hand, he’s a bit wrong-headed as well, as it has been quoted in several opinions handed down by the United States Supreme Court.

The phrase “separation of church and state” became a definitive part of Establishment Clause jurisprudence in Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1 (1947), a case which dealt with a state law that allowed the use of government funds for transportation to religious schools.

While the ruling upheld that the state law (allowing federal funding of religious schools) as constitutional, Everson was also the first case to hold the Establishment Clause applicable to the state legislatures as well as Congress, based upon the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.

In 1962, the Supreme Court extended this analysis to the issue of prayer and religious readings in public schools. In Engel v. Vitale 370 U.S. 421 (1962), the Court determined it unconstitutional by a vote of 6-1 for state officials to compose an official school prayer and require its recitation in public schools, even when it is non-denominational and students may excuse themselves from participation.

As such, any teacher, faculty, or student can pray in school, in accordance with their own religion. However, they may not lead such prayers in class, or in other “official” school settings such as assemblies or programs, including even “non-sectarian” teacher-led prayers. [...]

The court noted that it “is a matter of history that this very practice of establishing governmentally composed prayers for religious services was one of the reasons which caused many of our early colonists to leave England and seek religious freedom in America.”

In short, Cathcart is both right, in that the exact phrase does not appear in the particular document he cites, and wrong, in that he seems to be wilfully ignoring what our Founding Fathers intended and what more enlightened laws have underscored since.

What always boggles me is how Righty Whitey Christian Americans, generally speaking, are not in favour of other theocracies world-wide, but are all in favour of having one here. When Kennedy was running for office, a vicious tide of anti-Papist / anti-Catholic rhetoric spewed forth like sewage from a leaky pipe. Guess what? Since the majority of rich white people in charge of things at the time were not Catholic, suddenly they became more amenable to the idea of separation of Church and State, because they genuinely feared that Kennedy’s religious beliefs would interfere with his Presidential duties. They were more amenable, because their idea of religion was not shared by, arguably, the then most powerful man in the country.

Now that the arguably currently most powerful man in this country is a Born Again ex-cokehead Righty Whitey idjit who feels the need to inflict his religion on the country as a whole, the rich white dudes in power think separation of Church and State is now a BAD idea. Wonder why.

My prediction: we are going to be hearing how separation of Church and State “doesn’t really exist” or it is a bad idea UNTIL, by a miracle, some non-Protestant person is elected as President. And with the level of political corruption in this country, do you really think that will happen any time soon? Honestly? Right now, generally speaking, it supposedly “looks pretty good” for Democrats. This, I am telling you, will bring out some of the most vicious, underhanded, pro-Jesus flagwaving xenophobic mutts you ever saw during the next Presidential campaign.

What I’d love is a President who gets into office (without help from governor brothers, denying African Americans their vote, or friendship with the guy who OWNS Diebold) as a WASP-acceptable candidate and then converts to Judaism, which is a religion most of my sane friends practice, or something else that would make the rich white Jesus freaks go bananas. We might even get some “no backsies” laws that might actually stick that make it crystal clear that the State has no damn business dabbling about with religion of any stripe or type.

Last time the issue went before the Supreme Court, they punted, all the better to avoid truly clarifying the damn policy once and for all.

Sadly, I can not predict with certainty that we’ll have a Dem in office next go ’round, because the frontrunners, last I checked, are either female or black, and there are enough folks out there who are uncomfortable with both or either to potentially jigger the election for whoever the Repubz decide to nominate.

Do I personally think Jesus is “bad”? No, actually. I also know plenty of people who are devout and not hypocritical about it, and they don’t see the need to convert everyone else to their point of view, because they have the sense to understand that religious belief is deeply personal and private.

Some websites you may find interesting:


Americans, generally speaking, do not like or want to try to understand other theocracies, often nattering on about how wrong-headed and foolish those beliefs are, and comparing their own flavour of (usually) Christianity favorably to those other beliefs. As has been done for centuries, a particular type of Christian is really not into “live and let live” when it comes to competing religious beliefs. Not satisfied with their own personal salvation and religious beliefs, they feel the need to force everyone else to think and feel the same exact way, and to accept the same view of God as they have. I never understood that.

I especially don’t understand it when it involves two earnest, buzzcut-sporting, zitty teens in neckties (riding bikes) who insist on waking me up on the weekend.

I don’t understand the kind of mind that condemns the entire Muslim religion based on the actions of a handful of fanatical Muslim assrods, while conveniently neglecting to recall offenses a handful of fanatical Christian assrods have perpetrated throughout the ages.

I don’t understand the kind of mind that is so xenophobic and jingoistic as to say things like “America! Love it or leave it!” while forgetting that America is about preserving personal freedoms and rights, as long as those do not infringe upon other people’s freedoms and rights. Technically. Officially. Well, that’s what they keep telling us.

And meanwhile they are also forgetting that a lot of other countries sincerely hate our American guts, and don’t want any of the average American personality types to soil their country. Given that I don’t like the average American and average American interests (including political ignorance, dislike of reading, spelling and grammar, choices in mostly crap entertainment, their mostly crap musical preferences, their mostly crap etiquette, especially their crap dating behavior, overly indulgent or completely hands-off parenting, pro-tanorexic fashion, anti-intellectualism, false piety combind with judgmental behavior when faced with anyone who falls into the “other” category, materialism, use of animals / babies as accessories, and so on and so on) much myself, I can’t really blame them.


I guess I am incredibly angry that, say, Paris Hilton merits even one line of press, whereas actual NEWS news is considered too “unsexy” to bother with at all. (Example: I’m irritated that I even know “New York” is a person as well as a place, though what she does or contributes to the world, well, THAT I do not know.) And we’re infecting the rest of the world with the same crap values (though, to be fair, the UK has us beat where it comes to the “build ‘em up then tear ‘em down” trivial non-news “reporting” and publishing).

I guess if you say “we’re the best country on Earth” often enough, some folks really start to believe it. I’d say the truth somewhere in the middle: that we do a lot of things right and our intentions are generally good, but we mess up in a lot of areas, too, and you can’t acknowledge one side, the side where we do something really right, without also admitting to the other side, the one where…hoo boy!…have we ever got some work to do.

I think I need some caffeine and a lie down.

END OF OLD STUFF.

Okay.

Did you catch that bit about how it would be hilarious if we got a President in office who announced he wasn’t Christian? Well, instead we got a Christian that the conservative nutbags among us keep swearing is really a Secret Muslim.

It is probably best that we didn’t enrage the crazy people by having him announce he was giving up bacon permanently and converting to Judaism, after all.

 

 

 

Leave Public Schools Alone!

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If you’re unhappy with our public schools, here’s a radical thought: fund them adequately, provide appropriate textbooks and resources, pay good teachers well, and stop whining that although you can pray there all you want, that you can’t force teachers to lead prayers or enforce daily Bible readings.

Typical GOP stunt: cripple a resource, deny it funds, meddle with curricula, don’t consult educators, have non-educators make policy / laws, bust teachers’ unions, complain teachers get paid too much, promote crappy textbooks, try to insert religion into public schools, fight over ”intelligent design”, then, after leaving the public school system in tatters, complain schools are ”broken” and don’t give ”good value for the dollar,” and, hey, how about some vouchers!?

santorum vest

 

Or, if Rick Santorum, demonstrate your disdain for smart, educated people and the very idea of an advanced degree by calling learned people and scholars ”snobs.” (Ironically, Santorum has multiple degrees himself!)

santorum

 

People with no relevant real-world experience in the field of education, especially people who did poorly in school or who do not have any higher degrees, need to step off and leave our schools alone.

Another Mass Shooting, Another Litany Of Pro-Gun Excuses.

Another mass shooting? You know what that means. We’ll discuss guns for a few days and then ignore the topic for the rest of the year (until the next mass shooting). Meanwhile, pro-gun people will swarm the Internet and TV channels pressing the usual old, tired talking points. We need to make absolutely sure we continue to learn nothing from this latest tragedy, all while wringing hands and expressing deep sorrow for the dead and bereaved. I tell you what…let’s cut to the chase, shall we? We’ve heard it all before. I bet news stations are dying to get back to covering really important things…like what the new Doritos flavor might be, the rad new films coming out this weekend at the Googleplex, or the latest crazy YouTube viral video.

A handy conservative / pro-gun person / gun nut trolling checklist:

1. Refuse to acknowledge correlation between gun culture with lax gun laws and constant news stories about mass murdering assholes shooting people.
2. Say nothing as pro-gun people decide, as always, to be the Civility Police and whine that the day to discuss gun issues is “not today.” But tomorrow isn’t good either. Yesterday? Nope: they’ll lie and say that these mass shootings are “rare” and that even considering a discussion about flaws with gun control in our country “punishes” responsible gun-owners! In short, it is never a good time to discuss the subject. Just how they like it.
3. Say nothing when pro-gun people bore and enrage us with the well-worn and grossly flawed assertion that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”
4. Say nothing when pro-gun people start comparing a crazy Chinese man stabbing 22 kids with a knife (none of whom, as far as I know, died) to the Newborn and Clackamas tragedies, where people were injured AND died, pretending that the knifings in China are in any way equivalent to the constant gun violence and mass shootings in the U.S.
5. Say nothing as religious trolls like Mike Huckabee start blaming “godlessness” for gun violence. Because bad things never happen to devout Christians, no mass shooter ever has been a Christian, and prayer can definitely stop a madman from spewing bullets at your five-year-old child.
6. Mitt Romney should pop up any moment now to blame single moms for gun violence again, like he did during the Presidential debates. Oh, wait; no, he won’t, so you need to whine that Romney’s comment is completely irrelevant to the discussion because he lost the election, and ignore what it says about the GOP that they nominated someone who could say that with a straight face.
7. Say nothing when pro-gun people start protesting that they are “responsible,” ergo should not be deprived of the right to own multiple AK-47s or semi-automatics capable of spraying dozens if not hundreds of bullets into crowds.
8. Say nothing about pro-gun people clinging to 2nd Amendment and interpreting it with great creativity, although gun tech at the time the 2nd Amendment was drafted was restricted to primitive muskets and the like.
9. Express zero concern as pro-gun people claim they need to arm themselves against the government, etc., even though the government has and always will have access to greater and more destructive firepower than any one citizen can get access to. Also, we definitely need more anti-government kooks arming themselves to the teeth.
10. Nod agreeably as pro-gun people cite the few cases where a gun owner justifiably shot someone trying to rob, harm or kill them, while ignoring that there may hve been an option other than deadly force, and while ignoring the many cases where a gun was accessed by a small child or unstable pre-pubescent and fired, where suicidal or homicidal people turned to guns rather than psychiatric intervention, where a gun discharged unexpectedly and hurt or killed someone, where a gun turned a domestic violence incident into a homicide, where bullets fired from guns on holidays like New Year’s Eve or the Fourth of July wounded or killed an innocent party, where guns were stolen and used to commit more violent crimes, where guns were accessible to a mentally imbalanced or impaired adult, where adult white men used guns to shoot non-white teenagers dead over minor disagreements, where easy civilian gun access makes criminals even more dangerous, where easy civilian gun access gets our law enforcement officers shot dead, where heavy reliance on guns makes our law enforcement officers more likely to kill unarmed civilians, or where a gun escalated what might have been a less serious dispute into a deadly confrontation.
11. Refuse to discuss ties between politicians–usually conservatives–and donations to and from NRA.
12. Refuse to discuss who refused to support gun restrictions and reasonable legislation intended to reduce ease of access to guns.
13. Refuse to discuss reluctance to offer the mentally troubled access to the care or meds they might need. In fact, you should whine more about affordable healthcare that covers mental issues.
14. Refuse to discuss gun show loopholes.
15. Refuse to consider proposals to enforce gun owner responsibility while claiming to already be responsible enough.
16. Assert that more guns would have prevented the problem, because kindergarteners packing Glocks and teachers bringing guns to school (workplace) is a great idea.
17. Ignore that MI just passed legislation approving of guns in schools.
18. Pretend that the shooter(s) were just crazy, and that access to guns didn’t make their issues worse.
19. Pretend that discussing the inarguable gun proliferation in the U.S. is akin to “wanting to take away” everyone’s guns, or that discussing the problem is equal to “stomping on 2nd Amendment rights.”
20. Indulge pro-gun people’s fantasies that if they were on site with their guns during one of these frequent mass shootings, that they’d be a hero and stop the carnage.
21. Ignore NRA’s agenda (sell more guns) and allow them to set the tone of all discussions about guns.
22. Post on Twitter, if you are a comedian, about how your 1st Amendment rights are stomped on if people respond unpleasantly to your hilarious jokes about dead children.
23. Continue to glorify guns in pop culture.
24. Drag Jesus into it some more, demanding that everyone pray for the dead and bereft, and claiming that the shooter wouldn’t have been the shooter if only he really loved Jesus enough.
25. Interview traumatized little kids on TV who just survived a school shooting that killed their classmates and teachers.
26. Clutch pearls for an entire 24 hour news cycle, and then drop the subject the next time Snooki says something stupid or a celebrity wears a nice outfit.
27. Don’t forget to drag political animus into the discussion, so you can cloud the issue with your hatred of anything a “liberal” or President Obama says or does.
28. Give desperately-sought attention to nasty partisan hacks like Coulter asserting that “more guns = less violence.”
29. Blame “violent media” like films, TV, video games, cartoons, music for gun violence, rather than blaming easy access to guns for gun violence.
30. Be sure to publicly announce your plans to go out and buy yourself a new gun or three “to defend yourself.” Stay scared, buy more guns, refuse to go to a range or take any gun safety courses to familiarize yourself with your weapons, just buy more.
31. Insist on increased, intrusive security measures so our schools and workplaces are more and more like prisons, while ignoring that reducing the amount of guns would make that kind of security less necessary in the first place.
32. Try to blame the parents of the dead children for not choosing to home-school them, or the parents of the shooters for gun violence, so people stop talking about how gun violence is directly tied to guns.
33. Blame society as a whole for gun violence, so people stop talking about how gun violence is directly tied to guns.
34. Continue to resist background check laws, and ignore stats that indicate that background checks, requiring people to use gun locks and to lock up guns, restricting access to guns, restricting access to more powerful and destructive guns with bigger clips, and enforcing waiting periods are useful steps that reduce gun violence.
35. Above all, pretend that gun culture isn’t really a big problem, and that it is just a teeny, tiny handful of bad people causing all the problems…on a nearly weekly basis…while wielding guns…but, hey, that’s purely a coincidence.

I discussed this on Facebook and got some good replies. I’d like to single out these:

Comment by E***** A***** D*****: The one you missed is their citing Switzerland as a culture where gun violence is low but the government arms adults with firearms, meanwhile forgetting to mention those are persons who have completed compulsory military conscription who have to account for ammunition in sealed boxes, that Switzerland although guaranteeing the right to own a firearm by law has the most restrictive gun regulations (e.g., licence renewal every 5 years, need to prove the need to own a firearm – hunting, sport, etc., ammunition sold under strictest of regulations, any hint of domestic violence (past and likelihood) results in no licence and the list continues. They make the best argument for regulations without even being aware of it! If you ever see the meme for Switzerland as a reason for allowing Gun Ownership, merely comment. We accept your terms and conditions, and will model our laws to mirror their laws. Glad to oblige you Gun Owners!

Comment by L** F****: Yeah. The thing that amazes me is that people freak out about the idea of stricter gun regulations when the Second Amendment explicitly advocates keeping and bearing arms in the context of “a well-regulated militia.” Unless you have had military training and had no record of mental instability in the military, you should have to join a citizen run gun club in order to own a gun, where you get basic training, and attend meetings on at least some sort of regular basis. Besides the fact that more safety education and training will be its own reward, there’s the added advantage that you are training with a bunch of people who have the opportunity to observe your behavior. If someone is mentally unstable, likely a fellow club member would notice it and be able to take appropriate action as far as whether they should have access to guns. It would also give a lot of at-risk young men an opportunity to find mentors and other community members who can be role models for them. I love how all these people who advocate personal responsibility whine incessantly about their Second Amendment rights but completely ignore their Second Amendment responsibilities.

Who’s That Shrub?

Why do some people seem to actually miss this guy?

Some low-lights:

  • The first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • In his first two years in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
  • Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
  • Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
  • Cut the taxes of the wealthiest people in America (those making over $200, 000 a year).
  • Members of Bush Administration were the richest administration in history.
  • First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
  • Cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
  • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases.
  • First president in U.S. history to attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
  • Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year, made the U.S. the most resented country in the world.
  • First U.S. president in history to have a majority of people in Europe (over 70 percent view his presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
  • In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks, he has successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

WHO is it?

Time’s up.

Now, tell me again, WHY do some people actually pine for the “good ol’ days” of the Bush administration? I lived through them, and they weren’t all that swell.

Sorry, But I Don’t Care What The GOP Thinks Anymore

After Biden kicked ass in the Veep Debate, some conservatives were posting stuff like, “Sorry to burst your bubble, but Republicans see it differently.” Well, the GOP see a lot of things differently, and it doesn’t make them right.

It’s members of the GOP who think it is OK to parse “kinds” of rape, making up nonsense phrases like “legitimate rape” and “forcible rape,” and to use their definitions as an excuse to deny someone medical care or legal recourse.

It’s members of the GOP who think stealing electionsvoter disenfranchisement and voter ID laws, voter registration fraud, and True The Vote vigilante groups are all a good thing, and not Jim Crow 2.0.

It’s members of the GOP who hate science, denying evolution and Climate Change.

It’s members of the GOP who insist that the NAACP is “racist“…they probably do not understand what racism actually is.

It’s the GOP who have politicians saying “let Detroit go Bankrupt” and then taking credit for the revival of the auto industry, when not denying that there has been a revival.

It’s the GOP who have politicians creating a popular healthcare program and then turning around and hating it when it becomes “Obamacare.”

It’s the GOP who have politicians suggesting that the failing housing market needs to hit rock bottom, and blaming the poor for accepting fraudulent loans, then pretending it is to their credit when things get better.

It is the GOP pretending that Obama “promised” to lower unemployment statistics to under 8%, and using that as a cudgel to slam POTUS with for 43 straight months, and then who claim that the Bureau of Labor Statistics is making its numbers up when the unemployment rate dips to 7.8%.

It’s supporters of the GOP threatening to fire workers if they don’t vote for Romney.

It’s members of the GOP who fail to see the value of PBS, NPR, Pell Grants, museums, national parks, the Arts and other life-enhancing programs that supplement a decent education (which they aren’t keen on spending much money on, either).

It’s members of the GOP who think it is OK to erode the separation of Church and State (as long as you erode it in favor of Christians).

It’s the GOP who support things like Citizens United, calling corporations “people” and money “free speech.”

It’s the GOP who don’t care that FOX News viewers are the most misinformed about current events and politics.

It’s the GOP who think that Bush’s crappy policies and wild spending are irrelevant now that he has left office, but refer back to Lincoln and other historical political figures and try to claim their policies ARE relevant.

It’s the GOP who has members praising the idea of slavery as “not being so bad.”

It’s the GOP who hate the idea of Affirmative Action and civil rights, or who deny that discrimination even exists, and who think it should be okay for a businessperson to refuse to serve gay people or people of color if s/he chooses to.

It’s the GOP who claim that “white women voting for Obama is just like black people voting for the KKK.”

It’s the GOP who claim that people vote for Obama just because they “want “more free crap.”

It’s the GOP who think that millionaires and corporations need government money and hand-outs, but the poor and needy do not.

It’s the GOP who has nut factions like Birthers and Tea Partiers.

It’s the GOP who insists on supporting outdated fossil fuel-based energy sources while sneering at alternative ideas.

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It’s the GOP who tried to legislate that rising sea levels be an off-limit topic.

It’s the GOP who opposed the Lily Ledbetter fair pay law, and who try to meddle in women‘s private medical decisions or oppose covering contraceptives with insurance while not blinking an eye that erectile dysfunction medication is covered.

It’s the GOP who keep trying to place Bible-based signs and displays in public (taxpayer-funded) or government buildings.

It’s the GOP who insist POTUS is a Kenyan Marxist Muslim Socialist Communist Atheist Manchurian Candidate Usurper-in-chief.

It’s the GOP who try to base their policies on both Ayn Rand and Jesus, despite the two having mutually exclusive values and ideas.

It’s the GOP who based their entire RNC theme on a comment from POTUS which was taken out of context, and who are airing similarly edited adverts that do not accurately reflect what was said or meant.

It’s the GOP who say things like “some girls rape easy.”

It’s the GOP who rally to deny gay people equal rights.

It’s the GOP who have some weird problem with feminists and think that treating women as equals makes your penis shrink.

It’s the GOP who has mouthpieces calling women “sluts.”

It’s the GOP who scoff at the idea that there is some kind of Republican War On Women.

It’s the GOP, especially the Tea Party wing, which is freaking out some of our staunchest allies world-wide.

It’s the GOP who caused the United States to suffer a revised (lower) credit rating from Standard and Poor’s.

It’s the GOP pushing abstinence-only sex ed, which is a failure.

It’s the GOP raising hell and blaming Obama whenever gas prices go up, while remaining oddly silent when they fall…even though speculation has a lot more to do with gas prices than anything any president does or doesn’t do.

It’s the GOP signing pledges written by and listening to advice from un-elected nutjobs like Grover Norquist.

It’s the GOP protesting social safety net programs, while Red States consume the bulk of all social safety net programs.

It’s the GOP running “shadow Democrat” puppet candidates to split votes or rig elections.

It’s the GOP who keep getting caught saying racist shit, or posting racist signs, or damaging or stealing yard signs.

It’s the GOP who insist humans and dinosaurs co-existed.

It’s the GOP who think Obama went on an “apology tour” that never existed, while ignoring Romney’s “insult and offend tour.”

It’s the GOP who are proposing policies that have been examined by, among others, the non-partisan Tax Policy Center, and pronounced “mathematically impossible” and unworkable.

It’s the GOP who refuse to pay attention to fact checkers.

It’s the GOP who have been gunning for Medicare since day one.

It’s the GOP who have been caught calling Obama a Socialist who wants to take away Medicare, the same program they seek to gut or destroy.

It’s the GOP who wants to privatize Social Security, ignoring that it is doing just fine as is, and that privatization of Social Security prior to the 2008 bank collapse would have ruined anyone relying on Social Security to survive.

It’s the GOP who resist raising the payroll tax ceiling (FICA) that funds Social Security, locking it at 97k/year (I’m told that this has been raised to a little over $1o6k/year, which is still nowhere near the proposed minimum of $200k/year that Dubya resisted adopting), instead of raising or eliminating it, because they feel it is unfair to the rich, who should pay the same into Social Security even if they earn millions a year as someone earning 97k a year (or, now, a hair more than $106k a year).

It’s the GOP blocking jobs bills, including veteransjobs bills.

It’s the GOP who ignore legitimate polls conducted by professional polling organizations when they don’t go their way, while clinging to opinion polls hosted by conservative websites.

It’s the GOP who think ketchup and pizza are vegetables.

It’s the GOP who cry out for already-provided birth certificates (that no candidate has ever had to provide before) while ignoring that their candidate is hiding his tax returns (that every candidate since George Romney has traditionally provided), and who think college transcripts (that no candidate has ever had to provide before, and which cannot be shared freely with third parties due to federal law) are equal to tax returns.

It’s the GOP who think it is OK when their candidate is aggressive and lies, but cry foul when the Dem’s candidate is assertive, laughs, and tells the truth.

It’s the GOP who can’t figure out why it is wrong to impose your personal religious beliefs on everyone by making those beliefs into legislation.

It’s the GOP who do not understand HOW BABBY IS FORMED.

It’s the GOP who pretend that the media has a “liberal bias.”

It’s the GOP who espouse trickle-down / horse & sparrow economics and coddle the rich while sneering at the poor.

It’s the GOP who think “papers please” laws are OK.

It’s the GOP who think privatizing prisons is a great idea.

It’s the GOP who think listening to our allies on any subject is weak.

It’s the GOP who think we care about what a bunch of chickenhawks have to say about starting new wars.

It’s the GOP who think we have too many police officers, fire-fighters, and teachers.

It’s the GOP who have tried privatizing social services like firefighting and policing, with devastating results (like burned-down homes).

It’s the GOP pushing the Welfare Queen myth and announcing that they don’t give a crap about 47% of the population.

It’s the GOP going on witch hunts for Muslims and Communists.

It’s the GOP fighting unions and increasing the minimum wage.

It’s the GOP who encourage going after peaceful protesters with live ammunition and pepper spray.

It’s the GOP who support ALEC-backed laws like Stand Your Ground and who try to portray victims like Trayvon Martin as thugs.

It’s the GOP suggesting that we raise the retirement age.

It’s the GOP fighting healthcare.

It’s the GOP who believe in “ex-gay” therapy, which denies science and has been proven to be a failure.

It’s the GOP being obstructionist and filibustering and vowing to make Obama a “one-term president” from day one.

It’s the GOP Photoshopping Obama into “witchdoctor” images and worse.

It’s the GOP who go around all butt-hurt and try to report websites, Facebook groups and individuals they disagree with.

It’s the GOP who propose we build a bigger wall between the US and Mexico and oppose the DREAM Act.

It’s the GOP who oppose even talking about gun ownership restrictions, and, in fact, recommend that every citizen be issued a Glock.

It’s the GOP who are forming groups specifically designed to harass people at polling sites.

It’s the GOP who attack fictional characters like Spongebob, The Lorax, Tinky-Winky, Dora the Explorer and Big Bird for “brainwashing” children.

It’s the GOP promoting the most clownish buffoons possible and pretending they are serious candidates for higher office.

It’s the GOP accusing non-partisan groups like the Tax Policy Center, NASA (and scientists in general), the Bureau of Labor  Statistics and the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities of being partisan when facts do not concur with Republican talking points.

I could go on, but suffice it to say that I do not care one iota if the conservative world view once again fails to reflect reality or promotes bad ideas, or disagrees with my own worldview. They have a right to believe as they wish, but when they are wrong, as they often are, then I have a right to reject their nonsense. I am appalled every day to hear the amount of utter crap coming out of the mouths of some Republicans. They make the conservatives I know personally–who are good people–look bad by association, and I am utterly sick of it.

Sad but true: reality has a liberal bias.


Lorelei welcomes you to visit Liberal Lore on FacebookTwitter, her blog, or at Addicting Info.

Republicans Think Unemployed Women Need Ladylike Manners and Charm School Lessons

New York State Senator Marty Golden wants unemployed women to take “Posture, Deportment and the Feminine Presence” classes. Yes, he is a Republican. This is what he is promoting, rather than “equal pay for equal work” or job-creating legislation. I am guessing that this is because he is a big misogynistic idiot, but maybe I am just not in touch enough with my Feminine Presence to understand his manly wisdom and brilliance.

 

 So. Is this the new Republican “thing”? Thinking that ladies need to know how to walk around with books on their heads more than they need equal pay for equal work, the right as adults to make their own healthcare and reproductive choices, or not to be deemed a “pre-existing medical condition” because they have vaginas?

As a PROTIP, Republicans, I WAS brought up with “deportment classes” because I was supposed to be a debutante. I never mastered the “book on head” thing, but I know how to properly comport myself at a formal dinner and which arcane bit of silverware to use when, how to introduce two dignitaries to each other properly, how to cross my ankles and get into and out of cars in a lady-like fashion, ballroom dancing, all those old fashioned rules about what not to wear when, how to curtsey, when to remove your white gloves and when not to, and all those so-called “lady skills”. I own several etiquette books and I read them all. Guess what? THIS STUFF DOES NOT GET YOU A JOB, and, in fact, will often make your bosses and co-workers uncomfortable if you behave like an old-fashioned, mannerly, etiquette-knowledgeable lady these days.

Look, guys, “Lady Skills”–much like insisting upon speaking correctly and using proper spelling and grammar–often make your bosses and co-workers feel uncomfortable. It is sad but true. Consider these skills to be nice “cherry on top” life skills, but don’t pretend that people are going to understand or appreciate your new “Proper Lady Graces”, because they are going to think you are fucking weird. Trust me on this. I have gotten more shit from my peers for behaving properly and with respect towards others and following etiquette and deportment rules than I have doing anything else in life. THEY DO NOT GET IT. THEY THINK YOU ARE A NUTBAR. THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE IT. Sometimes it even makes them feel bad about themselves. How does this help you get a job, really? Do you think balancing a textbook on your head is a life skill someone is willing to pay for? It isn’t.

About the debutante thing: I told the Cotillion / “debutante mill” people to go fuck themselves and refused to make my debut because they did not allow non-white or non-Christian debutantes. If my friends weren’t allowed the same privileges and Society didn’t deem them presentable or want to meet them, then I had no time to waste on being presented to that Society. It was and is not a Society I want to be a part of. Fuck them.

Look. It is an accident of birth that I qualify to belong to Colonial Dames or Daughters of the American Revolution, and I don’t meant to disparage those groups at all. Truly, I am not. I’m just saying that it doesn’t make me “better” than anyone that my ancestors got here earlier than someone else’s, or that they did so as wealthy landowners or businesspeople and not as someone’s “property.” It is an accident of birth that my ancestors made a mark on history (for instance, my nieces are going to grow up knowing they are related to Meriwether Lewis and John and Abigail Adams and people that several counties in Arkansas and Georgia were named after, just as a small sampling, and maybe it will inspire them to be excited by history, as a bonus), and I am proud of them too, but I can’t take credit for their accomplishments, if you know what I mean.

I do not consider it my greatest accomplishment in life to have the accidental fortune to be born white and upper-middle class. I can take no credit for those things.

Anyway, fuck these people and their Feminine Presence classes bullshit. I’m living proof that it is just a distraction and something that will NOT help you get employed, especially if there are NO JOBS. It won’t help women get fair pay. It won’t do anything but annoy and insult a bunch of unemployed women and teach them skills of dubious value in this day and age who would be better served using that time applying to more jobs instead.

Thus endeth my rant.

 

Conservatives: Nasty When Winning, REALLY Nasty When Losing

It’s bad when you’re a sore winner and gloat for months on end. It’s worse when you’re an adult, and a really sore loser.

Please take a moment and compare the reactions of conservatives to the Obamacare ruling to the reaction of liberals to the Citizens United ruling. There is a difference between being disappointed or upset and acting like a crazy person while implying that SCOTUS Justice Roberts’ epilepsy meds made him crazy (or wishing death on the justices).

WTF is wrong with these people?

They are mean-spirited, gloaty, sore winners when things go their way and nasty, petulant, crybaby losers threatening armed revolution, wishing death on others or speculating someone has gone insane when they are denied their way.

“Conservatives have exhibited a veritable rainbow of bad reactions to Thursday’s announcement. Former Fox News personality Glenn Beck has taken to selling Chief Justice John Roberts T-shirts that say “Coward” on his website ($30 plus shipping and handling). Matt Drudge and others have been blaming the ruling on Roberts’s epilepsy medication, although presumably his ruling on Citizens United was not affected by the same factors.

Merrimack, New Hampshire libertarian and Tea Party president Mike Malzone has gone further than others in his outrage, declaring in a Facebook post on the Merrimack Tea Party page, “I hope the (5 Supremes supporting ACA) get colon cancer.””

Charming.

Sometimes everyday ordinary conservatives exhibit similar behavior. Here’s an interesting exchange from Facebook:

Lucy D****: “Well I am Conservative and I don’t hate. Some of my best friends are Liberal*. So you can understand how I find this post offensive!”

Marcela V******: “And you [Lucy] are a huge liar. I just went to your page and it’s filled with pure hate and all your KKK friends post just as much garbage as you do. You call the President every racist and vile name you can think of and then you come here talking like you’re pure and sweet. I reported your page as well for actual hate speech and the use of racist words.”

Chest S********: “This is not a public opinion survey, it’s a fucking Facebook page, so you can understand how I find your post tedious. If you don’t like my page or its content, there is a lot of internet out there for you to be self-righteous on. Good day.”

And from Politico:

‎”Democratically elected representatives pass a law that is signed by the president. The G.O.P. yells and screams that the law is unconstitutional (even though the mandate was their idea), so it goes to the Supreme Court. Now the Supreme Court decides that, in fact, the law is constitutional.

So what’s the next big idea from some of the best and brightest of G.O.P. governors? Hold off implementing any parts of the health care law until the November 6th election has passed, at the very least. Refusal to apply for grants, set up health exchanges or do anything that would benefit the people of their state is the new top priority. In a surprise move (at least to me), Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is not among those looking to play games and wait until the last minute to get anything done in compliance with the A.C.A.

Of course the Obama administration had prepared for such nonsense from the G.O.P. :

“The Obama administration sent a clear message [after Obamacare was upheld by SCOTUS] that it is prepared to begin creating state-by-state health insurance exchanges in places where politicians hostile to the Affordable Care Act refuse to do so.

A White House official stressed that Republican governors’ resistance to the law will be no barrier to the creation of the exchanges. All 50 states, the official said, will have exchanges by 2014.””

* Did you catch that? “Some of my best friends are [members of a particular--usually minority--group]” is almost always a dead giveaway that you’re dealing with a jerk.

False Equivalencies: Why Glenn Beck Pretended to Be Upset Obama “Ate a Dog”

Glenn Beck is SIMPLY APPALLED, people. Obama, when he was a small child, living in a country that does not have the same taboo about eating dogs that we do, was given dog to eat by his adult caretaker. Well then, Beck, I guess you have to stop calling President Obama a Muslim then since it is forbidden by their faith.

Man, the conservatives really had to dig deep to counter Romney’s callous treatment of the family dog. Ever hear of “two wrongs don’t make a right”?

Or, more accurately, that the offending passage from one of Obama’s books that they are attempting to color as “just as bad” does not elaborate on whether Obama knew he was eating dog beforehand (I was fed donkey and snake AND rabbit without knowing that was what it was before I ate it), does not mention that it is common in the country where he was raised (even if it is gross to Western sensibilities), and involves, at best, being a passive bystander and consumer of an anonymous and nameless livestock animal raised for meat like a cow or chicken or pig.

Compare that to what Mitt Romney admits he did as an adult: he was an actively responsible party mistreating a living animal with a name (Seamus) who was already elevated to the status of house pet by strapping him for hours atop the family car, and then he did nothing to remedy the situation after the supposedly beloved companion animal / four-legged family member expressed discomfort, fear, and distress by, well, crapping himself.

So now we’re comparing what Obama did as a child to an anonymous animal, when he had no choice but to do eat what his adult guardian told him to do, to what Romney did as an adult to a family pet, when he had several options he could have chosen at any time, such as putting his luggage atop the car and the dog inside it. What, was he more concerned that a suitcase might fall off than the dog carrier? To repeat: Obama was a child who was FED dog by his caregiver (how much choice did YOU have in deciding the dinner menu at your home when you were a kid?), while Romney was an adult who freely chose how to treat the family dog and to ignore the poor animal’s obvious distress.

In short, weaksauce all around. But would you expect anything else?

You know, I remember Matt Drudge spamming the entire USENET with his screeds, not bothering to check if it was wanted or appropriate.

Back in the day, self-promotion and advertising of any sort were LOATHED and resisted. There were newsgroups (sort of like forums) which existed as separate little “islands” of discussion devoted to a narrow-focus subject, and people resented–especially when access was via a slow dial-up modem), and EVEN MORE when they got on USENET via the first paynets–reading something off-topic.

Most people using USENET had access to approximately 5,000 newsgroups of varying degrees of popularity. Drudge would spam his long and 99.8% off-topic and self-indulgent / self-promotional “reports” to every single newsgroup he had access to, and would ignore everyone raising hell about it (SO RUDE). He did not participate in discussions that I EVER saw. He was out to talk about what he wanted to talk about, and to hell with you or if it was an appropriate venue or even if anyone else was interested even tangentially in his posts.

If there was any justice, he would eventually have gotten tired of spamming the world and being hated by nearly everyone with USENET access globally and would have gone away (or, when the Internet finally had a GUI, he would have made a ranty Angelfire or Geocities webpage with spinny skulls, under construction animations, rainbow-hued horizontal dividers and GIFs of Reagan with a halo and Clinton with devil horns…maybe an ASCII cow or Bart Simpson picture). Unfortunately for us all, he was leaked documents about the Lewinsky scandal, probably because he was a self-important global spammer who ignored all criticism in his lust for blathering about how much conservetism rocks and liberals all suck to EVERY DAMN BODY’S NEWSGROUPS, he posted THAT all over the damn place, and, voila, the little asshole has never stopped being self-important, spreading gossip and mostly unsubstantiated dross, and trying to just shout louder than anyone else, without regard for anyone who might find him tedious, wrong, annoying, etc.

So, there you go.

I’m not upset that he busted Clinton and Lewinsky, for what that is worth. Someone else would have. I’m just annoyed that he has ended up being REWARDED for being a giant hateful conservatard asshole with no social skills or courtesy for others.

Seriously, there is no justice in this world.

One of my conservative friends (who was VERY irritated that I reminded him that the Heritage Foundation was responsible for the part of Obamacare he had been ranting about most) treated me to this false equivalency:

  1. Windmills for wind power kill birds.
  2. Birds fly into the windmills and die.
  3. Lots of them.
  4. Ergo, windmill blades killing birds is JUST AS BAD as drilling for oil and having a pipe burst and spill oil everywhere. (“Take that, liberals! How you like us now! You bird-murderers!”)

Yes, indeed. Birds fly into stuff. That is, of course, exactly equivalent to BP getting away pretty much scot-free with dumping tens of thousands of gallons of biohazardous material into the Gulf, killing dozens if not hundreds of species (including birds; heck, if you want to be utilitarian, including fish and shrimp that humans eat) and then trying not to actually pay any of the damages without being arm-twisted.

Man.

I did not even bother to get into a discussion about it. Because birds flying into windmills is EXACTLY THE SAME THING as probably permanent damage to not just birds but also a lot of sea life and HUMAN BEINGS in the area. And wind power is just evil, anyway, because Republicans are wary of it. No big money in wind power. So it has to be EEEEEVIL and bad.

Seriously. As columnist Dave Barry used to say, I am not making this up.

(Birds fly into wind power windmill blades: BAN WIND FARMS.
Birds also fly into jet engines on places. BAN PLANES.
Birds also fly into house and business windows. BAN WINDOWS.)

Both political parties have their flawed cheerleaders, though.

Nick Kerton says, “The bad thing about [Joe] Scarborough isn’t that he’s a harsh conservative, but that he constantly says he’s a “centrist”. His fucking theme song is Stuck In The Middle With You. Scarborough is obvious, though. Chris Matthews is a bit conservative leaning as well, while Al Sharpton tends to paint atheists unfairly when religious issues come up — in one segment he explicitly suggested that social justice could be an EXCLUSIVELY religious value. But CNN…argh. When they’re not saying the Dems just need to give more to the rabid dogs, they’re spending half an hour explaining how an exit poll works.”

I agree with all three criticisms. Joe is mostly an economic conservative. Chris gets very hawkish and sort of, hmm, fratty and he never met a boring sport analogy he didn’t love to rant at length about. Al is still recovering from the Tawana Brawley Hoax and his mild animus towards any atheist or agnostic folks.

While we are at it, I like Keith Olbermann (and his affection for James Thurber is charming), but he’s kind of a douchenugget off-camera.

The false equivalencies are thoroughly annoying, whichever side does it, though. There is something to be said for comparing apples to apples, rather than apples to kumquats, Ford Pintos, or monkeywrenches.

I Won’t Mention the Magic Underpants

Republicans run the worst candidates. I have conservative friends and family members and they are close to donning sackcloth and ashes in despair over Mitt Romney.

Let’s take a look back at the quality candidates that competed to win the nomination crown this election season. To be fair, I am going to strive to say something nice about each of the Republicans who had Formally Declared or formed an Exploratory Committee with an eye on running for President in 2012!

Michele Bachman: Your crazy eyes are a lovely shade of blue.

Herman Cain: Godfather’s Pizza used to be very tasty…when I was a small child with undeveloped taste buds.

Newt Gingrich: For a fat guy, you don’t sweat much. Your chutzpah when condemning Democrats for hypothetical ethical lapses is impressive for a man who left not one but two wives while they were languishing in hospital beds and who was censured when Speaker.

Jon Greenspon: Ex-Marine. OORAH.

Jon Huntsman: Your veneers are very white and shiny. Actually, even though I disagree with Huntsman politically, I still liked the guy and thought he was a decent human being. That was when I knew he was doomed to fail.

Gary Johnson: He does not attend church, is pro-choice, anti-big government, pro-immigration, an outspoken critic of the war on drugs and favors legalizing marijuana. And no one knows who the eff he is.

Fred Karger: Self-hating gay guy, but check out his nice suits!

Andy Martin: Spammed “Is Obama a Kenyan Muslim?” emails all over the globe, so clearly has the wild-eyed enthusiasm Teabaggers admire. Has at least one interesting necktie.

Thad McCotter: Plays a mean lead guitar for his band, the New Flying Squirrels. Or so his fan says.

Jimmy McMillan: Even though HE lives in a rent-controlled apartment, he knows that YOUR rent is probably too damn high.

Tom Miller: Likes our Founding Fathers…even if he does not understand exactly what they said.

Roy Moore: Survived West Point and has never been caught shooting anyone in the face. So he’s already one up on Dick Cheney.

Ron Paul: His legion of neckbeard basement-dwellers are all super passionate on Teh Intarweebz, and willing to overlook his racist newsletters and pro-life stance because he pinky-swears that he might legalize pot.

Buddy Roemer: Has an extremely friendly first name.

Mitt Romney: Best. Hair. It’s nice, innit? Too bad about the crazy Christian cultists he’s strapped to himself like ticking bombs. Has the aplomb to lie over 600 times since January and not turn into a pillar of salt from shame. Such a successful businessman that he wants to shield the American public from jealousy by concealing his tax records. Not capable of feeling shame when caught running political adverts with a fragile or non-existent link to reality and truth.

Rick Santorum: Yields most entertaining (if disgusting) results when searched on Google.

Vern Wuensche: I have to admire the chutzpah it takes to run for office with that jawcracker of a surname when your most fervent supporters can’t spell basic English words.

Ken Bennett, Arizona Secretary of State, Won’t Let The Birther Dream Die

Dear Ken:

We in the great state of Hawaii have received your request…nay, demand…that we release the President’s birth certificate. We are sorry to hear that the entire state of Arizona lacks Internet access and that you did not see both the long and short form birth certificates we already released ages ago.

Let’s be frank, Ken. We in Hawaii are weary of dealing with stupid bullshit like this and we have stuff we need to do. Our Secretary of State is very busy doing Secretary of State stuff, for example, and is eager to learn how you manage to do your Secretary of State stuff and still have time to be all het up about an issue that never was a valid issue to begin with. I suppose there is nothing at all going on in Arizona whatsoever that would keep you busy.

See, Ken, the people who go all nuts over this birth certificate stuff tend to be the kind of idiots who can’t use Google to look up when Hawaii was admitted to the United States as a real, 100% legal, no take-backsies, full-fledged state. Which, incidentally, I seem to recall happened only a couple of years after Arizona had the same status. You guys were the last of the Contiguous 48 to become a state. Remember that? (Also, in case it comes up, your neighbor New Mexico is also a state and not part of Mexico. Hope that helps.)

Your Birther torch-bearer is a crazy dentist cum LOLyer with a voice like an un-oiled outhouse door hinge who actually was NOT born in the United States and she has a name like one of those Internet memes the cool kids all think are so hilarious; you know, the one with an owl. What kind of name is Orly? Is she a nutjob? Yarly.

In conclusion, dear Ken, we will stop what we’re doing right this very minute and rush to get you yet another copy of this goddamned birth certificate that everyone else has seen a hundred times and plastered on t-shirts and coffee mugs all because you can’t stand brown and black people and are doing your best to make your contempt acceptable and excusable to all the other assholes in your state.

You’re a low IQ moron. You are wasting everyone’s time beating a horse so dead that it has already been made into a truckload of Elmer’s glue, gummi bears and Jell-O. You suck and we hate you. You’ll get the goddamned copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of the stupid birth certificate when we damn well get around to it.

Cordially yours,

Hawaii

P.S. Yo momma.