Life Lessons from Passive-Aggressive Notes

Things I have learned from passiveaggressivenotes.com:

1. Roommates and co-workers generally suck.

2. People have strong opinions about parking.

3. Never bring a Hot Pocket to work for lunch; it will be stolen.

4. Some people wipe mucus on bathroom walls.

5. It is unlikely that your neighbors share your taste in music.

6. Dishes left unwashed eventually create an additional (green) roommate.

7. Most people and their pets FAIL at bathroom etiquette.

8. Don’t touch the thermostat!

9. Shut the building door or “possoms and lizzards” will come in.

10. It is possible for a male pube to end up at shoulder-height on a shower curtain.

11. People actually use thrift store dressing rooms as toilets.

12. There is no coffee fairy. 😦

13. No one’s mom works at the same workplace as they do.

14. A doodled smiley can be seriously aggressive and scary.

15. Never get a subscription to a newspaper in a communal building.

16. The people upstairs are fucking loud (and loudly fucking; see #20).

17. ALL CAPS MEANS SRS BZNZ.

18. People like to flush a lot of weird things down toilets, unless those things happen to be poop. Then they dislike flushing.

19. Strangers will take offense if you smoke, party, or eat meat in your own home–so make sure they never find out.

20. The walls are thin and your sex noises are too loud and make Forever Alone Guy totes jellus.

21. The Coke Machine Guy is illiterate or likes to torment people by putting the wrong drinks in the wrong slots.

22. NO SMELLY FOOD IN SHARED MICROWAVES. Popcorn, this means YOU.

23. Grandmas are the World’s Champions at passive-aggression (and you should visit more often).

24. A hookah will catch a rug on fire.

25. Brevity is the soul of wit. Most people are half-wits.

26. There are a lot of un-medicated OCD sufferers out there.

27. There are a lot of filthpigs out there.

28. People suck.

29. Amount / length of note(s) corresponds directly to psychological instability / pent-up frustration of note-leaver

30. I AM GLAD I LIVE ALONE.

 

Team Brian

 

How to spot a passive-aggressive note:

1. The phrase “no offense”.

2. The word “newsflash.”

3. Lack of brevity. Bonus points for bad grammar and terrible spelling.

4. Overabundance of !!!s

5. Comic Sans or nearly illegible ‘folk artist” handwriting.

6. Topics to focus upon include: your shitty parking, your mother not working here, your slovenly habits, noise, theft, dog poop, stolen edibles

7. A pungent stench of indignation and outrage!

8. It’s unsigned.

9. Show and Tell: Note may be accompanied by a relevant object (“This is Mr. Dish Soap!”) or point towards a particular location.

10. CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!

11. You immediately want to murder the note writer.

12. Yes, even if they add a snarky smiley to the note.

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