Updated: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on dope,
And skip out for PBR during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In four parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Ron Paul
blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John Boehner,
General Petraeus and Joe Biden to eat
doughnuts confiscated from a Wall Street Starbucks.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be brought to you by
Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre and will not star Natalie Portman
and Brad Pitt or Cartman and Oprah.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the malaise.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds thinner,
because the revolution will not be televised, brother.

There will be no pictures of you and Shaquille O’Neal
pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
MSNBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
or report from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs arresting the
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Al Sharpton being
run out of Harlem on a rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Jesse Jackson
strolling through Manhattan in a red, black and
green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the proper occasion.

Grey’s Anatomy, Two and a Half Men, Glee, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians
will no longer be so damned relevant, and
people will not care if Sookie finally gets down with
Sam or Alcide on True Blood, because the people
will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the cable news channels
and no pictures of hairy-armed women’s liberationists,
gay rights protesters,
and Jennifer Aniston blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Randy Newman,
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Justin Bieber, Paul McCartney,
Kanye West, Lady Antebellum, or Lady Gaga.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back after a message
about White Castle, white wall tires, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your bedroom,
a tiger in your tank, or the ring in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver’s seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run, brothers;
The revolution will be live.

(Based on Gil Scott-Heron’s original, and thus not nearly as good.)

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2 thoughts on “Updated: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

  1. greer says:

    Some things are not meant to be updated. They stand up to the test of time as is. Gil may not be spinning in his grave over this, but it’s making MY ass itch. Thanks!

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