Politicians Have The Shittiest Merch! Here’s Some Snark And Pictures To Prove It.

Feeling excited about the upcoming debates and Election Day, but your red, white and blue stars and bars merchandise turns out to have been made in a sweatshop in China? (Gah! I hate it when that happens! Stupid Wal*Mart!) No worries! We have just the stuff to help you show your support for your favorite candidate (as long as your favorite candidate is Obama or Romney; sorry, they were all sold out of Ron Paul 2012 roach clips).

Not even a teeny tiny bit Kenyan. Yes, Orly, we are very sure.

Not even a teeny tiny bit Kenyan. Yes, Orly, we are very sure.

1. The “Eff you, crazy Birther nutters, Hawaii was SO a state in 1961” Obama merchandise!

First up is one of many “Here’s my DAMN birth certificate, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” products available at Barack Obama’s website. For $22.50, this mug can sit proudly on your desk within your cube…and possibly piss off your humorless Tealibangelical Bircher boss which will land you on the unemployment line. Hmm. That does not sound wise.

For $22.50, this mug can live (slightly less proudly) in a cabinet at your house and you can just quietly drink your Obama java in the privacy of your own kitchen. Yeah, that’s probably the safest thing to do. Times are hard, yo.

2. The Romney-Ryan campaign’s “You Misquoted That!” T-shirt

A competent designer did not build this. A chimpanzee with MS Paint did.

A competent designer did not build this. A chimpanzee with MS Paint did.

Not content with allowing floods of advertising to choke the airwaves with a selectively-edited clip which turned Obama talking about how American citizens traditionally support each other in this country, and how we all benefit from the infrastructure and foundation of basic services when we wish to start a new business venture into “OMG I HATE BUSINESS RAWRG”, now Romney fans can get an “I Fail At Context!” t-shirt.

Obama said, “The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some things, just like fighting fires, we don’t do on our own. I mean, imagine if everybody had their own fire service. That would be a hard way to organize fighting fires. So we say to ourselves, ever since the founding of this country, you know what, there are some things we do better together.”

As FactCheck.org says: “[T]he Obama campaign said the president was referring to the construction of roads and bridges when he said “you didn’t build that.” (Again, the president said: “Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that.”) The campaign also posted a new Web video in which the narrator says, “Actually, he was talking about building ‘infrastructure and education’ … ‘not that individuals don’t build their businesses.’ ” […] Taking snippets of his speech ignores the larger context of the president’s meaning that a business owner does not become successful “on your own.””

Ye Olde Romnye Swagge Shoppe wishes to show how hip ‘n’ happenin’ it is with this awesome T-shirt (available in grey, gray, silver, pigeon, dust, graphite, smoke, grayish-gray, granite, heather gray, and ash) which was recently a huge hit at the RNC where the “We Couldn’t Come Up With A Better Slogan Than Our Opponent’s Words Taken Out Of Context!” T-shirts sold like platinum pancakes. You missed it? Oh, you were probably watching Honey Boo-Boo. It’s OK. We understand.

That which has been seen...cannot be unseen. O_o!

That which has been seen…cannot be unseen. O_o!

Fuck it, this is a boring-ass thirty dollar T-shirt. If you’re voting for Team Mighty Whitey, then you can probably afford it if you want it. Knock yourself out. The other parents at your kid’s lacrosse game are going to be really impressed and surprised by your fashion daring. Pearls will be clutched and monocles are going to be popping out left and right!

3. Special “Team O & Joe” iPhone covers, for the brave Obama supporter who doesn’t mind risking resentment from random strangers who assume s/he is on welfare, and who can weather any and all assumptions being made by total strangers about his or her state of employment.

Pimp My Phone.

Pimp My Phone.

Here’s one of four different designs, all of which are specifically for iPhones, and which cost fawty bone a pop. Hasn’t the Obama campaign gotten the memo? The word “iPhone” has the power to make people lose all compassion and empathy for the less fortunate. It is like magic sparkling envy dust gets sprinkled all over the damn place. There was even a douche-y tag on Twitter (#ButUGotThatIPhone5Tho) that was popular for about five minutes, until most of the people spreading it around were shamed by their peers for their blatant racism and jerkitude (or simply got tired of picking on people too poor to be able to afford Internet access).

The Obama merchandising team should have stuck with some simple stickers, and instructions for how to apply them to a pair of tin cans and some string, because the United States is one of the few places on Earth where the barely comfortable and stinkin’ rich alike are actually jealous of the impoverished and needy and oh my heck, look. You Poor Folk can’t give them any ammunition like having some material object that doesn’t totally suck ass. May we recommend dressing in sackcloth and ashes whenever you have to be seen in public?

I have to admit that my mobile phone bill has been greatly reduced.

I have to admit that my mobile phone bill has been greatly reduced.

4. The Romney Family Fridge Magnet

WHAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUP, PEASANTS?

WHAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUP, PEASANTS?

What could be finer than to see the exquisitely well-groomed and blandly attractive Ann-toinette and Mittens waving cheerfully at you as you examine the cavernous emptiness within your refrigerator? But hey, if you’re hungry, and your cupboard is more bare than Mother Hubbard’s, you’re probably not voting for the Billionaire Bubble Boy anyway. Hmm.

Okay, let’s try a new marketing angle: For ten clams, Romney voter, you, too, can fasten Jeeves’ To Do List to the freezer door in style!

5. To say nothing of the dog.

Arf.

Arf.

The Obama family dog, Bo, stars on this awesome car magnet. Wink wink, nudge nudge, get it? A dog on a car magnet? Yes, Bo is glad that he gets to ride inside, unlike some people’s dogs, not that we’re naming any names or anything. This magnet, complete with an adorably grinning puppy-dog face, can be yours for a tenner!

I’m not even a Dog Person per se, but geez, that dog is ridiculously cute.

6. Mitty-mitty bling-bling!

Mitty...er...MINTY fresh!

Mitty…er…MINTY fresh!

You can pay thirty dollars to buy a Romney “R” logo charm on a cheap necklace chain. Try not to think about how much it looks like you dropped some Aquafresh down your collar.

I'm just sayin'.

I’m just sayin’.

7. Biden beer-cuddler thingie.

Check out the Velvet Biden painting in the gift shop. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Check out the Velvet Biden painting in the gift shop. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

The Obama campaign cares deeply about the potability of your favorite beverages, and nothing is a bigger downer than lukewarm liquid refreshment! This can coozie will make your can feel cozy and secure, like a little Biden-enhanced thunder shirt for cans, and keep your drinkables drinkable by keeping them a few degrees cooler than they would be if they were left all naked and neglected because you didn’t force them to wear a little can outfit with Joe B.’s smiling mug printed on it. It’s a BFD, and it can be yours for ten bucks.

8. Free “Amercia the Beautiful” iPhone App

D'OH! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

D’OH! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Don’t ever say Mister Mitt never did anything for The Poors. This app is 100% free, so even the dependent victims in the 47% can afford it! Amercia! Land taht I loev!

Oh wait. The serfs don’t have iPhones, do they?

9. Obama’s Free Find-A-Dem app!

...Of COURSE they are at a Starbucks.

…Of COURSE they are at a Starbucks.

This is pretty cool. It’s a way to electronically bell all the cool cats in your vicinity. Someone who doesn’t hate gay people and who won’t tell women to take off their shoes and go make sandwiches? Someone who owns books?! This has intriguing possibilities. We expect this app to be particularly popular with Democrats in Red States…

…because we’re SO RONERY. 😦

10. Awesome Captain of Industry Biz Cards!

The Romney campaign is offering Mitt-approved business cards for a limited time only. Impress your colleagues with your keen appreciation of the finest things in life.  Your choices:

  • Bone paper stock, with Silian Rail lettering.
  • Eggshell paper stock, with Romalian type.
  • Raised matte lettering on pale nimbus white paper stock.
  • Subtle off-white coloring, tasteful thickness…Oh my God, it even has a watermark.
Priceless!
"Well, it is very nice, but fortunately it is not as nice as my Mitt Romney promotional swag business card!"

“Well, it is very nice, but fortunately it is not as nice as my Mitt Romney promotional swag business card!”

… Just for the record, Lorelei’s business cards are things of beauty. Eat your coworker’s heart out.

Original post was published at Addicting Info.

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