The South Will Not Rise Again.

No, the South will not rise again.

First of all, you may have noticed that we do not own people any more. A hundred years or so after the Civil War, someone got the idea to reframe what the Civil War was about (the South being butthurt when reminded that slavery is bad, no matter what their precious Bibles said about it (the Bible says it’s OK), and throwing a big tantrum about “being told what to do”) as a States’ Rights Issue. Yeah, it was a States’ Rights Issue where the “right” the states wanted to throw down over was legalized ownership of people who had dark skin. You can squirm around and try to reframe that with a lot of flowery and vaguely patriotic waffling about sovreignty of states and woof-woof about a number of irrelevant distractions and tie yourself in a knot to try and make slavery sound like a fucking picnic (which it might have been…IF YOU WERE WHITE) that all serve to pretend that slavery was not why we had a civil war, but let’s face it: White people got mad that they were told to stop being assholes and trying to own non-white people. They thus decided to commit treason and secede and, surprise, there was a war over it. You can’t own people, you lost, so get over it.

Secondly, you may have noticed that we have progressed past being an agriculture-based society. In fact, we were going in that direction at the time of the Civil War. Nowadays, we don’t need your stinking cotton. (Who actually makes a decent living growing cotton anymore anyway?) We have not only an industrialized society, we have a technologically advanced society. Things change. You lost. Get over it.

Lastly, the American Civil War officially ended on June 22, 1865 and the Confederacy surrendered. Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Virginia officially remained a part of the United States, even if the rest of the country weren’t entirely sure they wanted to have anything to do with those stupid racist treasonous bastards anymore at that point. The Confederacy LOST. YOU LOST. GET OVER IT.

As The Onion, bless them, put it: “The Deep South states of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana, and Tennessee consistently rank at the bottom of the nation in a wide variety of statistical categories, including literacy, infant mortality, hospital beds, toilet-paper sales, and shoe usage.”

You can’t “rise again” when your people are painfully stupid. People in Alabama and Mississippi are so pig ignorant that they insist on believing President Obama is a Muslim, despite, I don’t know, pictures of Obama in church, Obama smoking cigarettes, Obama chowing down on a nice pork hotdog, and Obama drinking beer, Obama eating ALL the bacon. It’s like they forgot all the fuss about Jeremiah Wright already, who was–remember?–a controversial pastor in a Christian church where Obama was a parishioner. But, OK, sure, he’s a “Muslim,” you guys.

You stupid bastards. What is wrong with you?

What do the Southern states contribute to the country as a whole? A short list:

  • Creationists
  • The Moral Majority
  • Tobacco
  • Grits
  • Crappy country music
  • Creative roadkill recipes
  • Gigantic cockroaches
  • Kudzu
  • Coca-Cola
  • Fried Chicken
  • Gun racks
  • Ballsack-shaped trailer hitch decorations
  • Copyright-infringing Calvin-pissing-on-things stickers
  • People who think “yeehaw” is a word
  • Chaw (chewing tobacco)
  • Boiled peanuts
  • Mindbendingly miserable summer heat
  • Red clay dirt
  • Confederate flag paraphenalia
  • Mint juleps
  • Dog fighting
  • Klansmen
  • Lynchings
  • An obsession with football that borders on unnerving
  • Televangelists
  • Darwin Award winners
  • Names like Earl, Cletus, Bubba, Festus, and Oral that trip gracefully off the tongue like the finest poetry
  • People with two first names (Joe Bob, Jimmy Ray, Peggy Sue, Betty Lou, Mary Ann, Curtis Lee…)
  • Moonshine
  • Moonpies
  • Overalls
  • Picaninny dolls
  • Neo-Nazis
  • Rednecks
  • Hillbillies
  • Dueling banjos
  • Racism
  • Ignorance
  • Misogyny
  • Homophobia
  • Xenophobia
  • A wide variety of commercial products that display ignorance of the US flag code concerning proper respectful behavior towards and display of our country’s flag
  • Snakehandlers
  • Dirteaters
  • Speaking in tongues
  • Inbreeding
  • Mullets
  • Dental nightmares
  • Conspiracy theorists
  • UFO spotters
  • Stephen Foster tunes
  • Gone With The Wind
  • Militias
  • Domestic terrorists
  • Chitlins
  • Election fraud and dangling chads
  • Enough failure emanating from Florida specifically to earn it a special tag at
  • The Dukes of Hazard

And, of course, Southern states tend to be “Red States,” meaning deeply conservative / Republican states. You’re not going to “rise again” if you’re the least healthy, have the shortest lifespans, have the highest infant mortality rates, rank lowest in education stats, have the highest number of teen pregnancies, consistently consume more tax-based social programs and handouts than do Blue States, are consistently the poorest, and consistently have the highest rates of unemployment. No, Bubba, that is not a recipe for domination and success, much less “rising again” in some racist wet dream of Southern culture supremacy creating a utopia based on a plantation-era fantasy.

Let’s get real.

The Red States are the unhealthiest states.

Bottom of the barrel (all bolded states are Confederacy states from here on out):

35 Indiana
36 Florida
37 North Carolina
38 Missouri
39 Texas
40 Arkansas
41 Kentucky
42 West Virginia
43 Georgia
44 Tennessee
45 Nevada
46 South Carolina
47 Louisiana
48 Alabama
49 Oklahoma
50 Mississippi

Red States take more medications.

“Forbes magazine reports that last year we spent $291.5 billion on drugs and that on a per capita medication usage rate (see “America’s Most Medicated States”)  the states with the highest usage are in the South.  West Virginia leads the pack, at 17.7 prescriptions/person vs 11.6/person as the national average; with other Southern states AL, SC, TN, AR, LA, KY and border state MO; following in the lead.”

Red States have the highest teen pregnancy rates.

So much for abstinence-only sex ed classes.

“The most “religious” states are the ones that consistently have the worst rates of teen pregnancy. Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia and so on, nine of the top ten states for teen pregnancy are in the Bible Belt (New Mexico is the outlier but they don’t require sex ed at all, with the same lousy results).”

Red States do least well in education statistics.

Red States have higher crime rates than Blue States.

“The average violent crime rate (murder, forcible rape, robbery, aggravated assault) in 2008 for the 28 states that voted for Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential election was 389 incidents per 100,000 residents. The average violent crime rate for the 22 states that voted for John McCain was 412 incidents per 100,000 residents – or a 5.8 percent higher incidence of violent crime. […]

These crime rate findings hold despite the fact that blue states have a higher population of residents in urban areas, which tend to have higher crime rates than rural areas. According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2000 Census of Population and Housing, Population and Housing Unit Counts, the average statewide percentage of residents living in urban areas in the Obama states was 78.0 percent, compared to a statewide average of just 64.6 percent in the McCain states. […]

Eight of the top 11 states with the highest property crime rates voted for McCain: Arizona (#1), South Carolina (#2), Alabama (#4), Tennessee (#6), Georgia (#7), Texas (#8), Arkansas (#10), and Louisiana (#11).”

Red States dominate the “poorest US states” lists.

Red States dominate the “most unemployed” lists.

38. ARIZONA – 8.6
38. KENTUCKY – 8.6
38. OREGON – 8.6
41. ILLINOIS – 8.8
43. FLORIDA – 9.0
43. GEORGIA – 9.0
43. NEW JERSEY – 9.0
49. CALIFORNIA – 11.0
50. RHODE ISLAND – 11.1

Red States dominate infant mortality lists.

By comparison, the United States as a whole ranks 6.81 per 1000

1. District of Columbia 12.6
2. Mississippi 10.6
3. Louisiana 10.0
4. Alabama 9.1
5. South Carolina 9.0
6. Tennessee 8.7
7. Delaware 8.6
8. North Carolina 8.5
9. Georgia 8.2
9. Arkansas 8.2

Red States pay fewer taxes and consume more social services than do Blue States.


Some AWESOME Red State stats for you:


Ranked in order of Highest Incidence of Infant Mortality, 1-50: (Lowest number is worst.)

Mississippi 1st
Louisiana 2nd
South Carolina 3rd
Alabama 4th
Tennessee 6th
Georgia 9th
West Virginia 10th
Oklahoma 11th
Arkansas 14th
Montana 23rd
Arizona 24th
Kentucky 27th
Alaska 37th


Life Expectancy ranked by Lowest Average Age at Death, 1-50: (Highest number is worst.)

Mississippi 50th
Louisiana 49th
South Carolina 47th
Alabama 48th
Tennessee 45th
Georgia 41st
West Virginia 46th
Oklahoma 44th
Arkansas 43rd
Montana 25th
Arizona 22nd
Kentucky 42nd
Alaska 26th


Poorest States ranked by lowest Median Household Income, 1-50: (Lowest number is worst.)

Mississippi 1st
Louisiana 6th
South Carolina 10th
Alabama 5th
Tennessee 9th
Georgia 28th
West Virginia 2nd
Oklahoma 8th
Arkansas 3rd
Montana 12th
Arizona 29th
Kentucky 4th
Alaska 48th


States’ Education ranked by spending, test scores, drop-out rate, college admissions, etc., 1-50: (Highest number is worst.)

Mississippi 48th
Louisiana 44th
South Carolina 26th
Alabama 45th
Tennessee 30th
Georgia 41st
West Virginia 37th
Oklahoma 36th
Arkansas 32nd
Montana 7th
Arizona 50th
Kentucky 31st
Alaska 46th


Tax Back ranked according to the most Federal spending in the State per tax dollar from the State, 1-50: (Lowest number is biggest parasite on you if you live in a tax-positive Blue State.)

Mississippi 4th
Louisiana 13th
South Carolina 17th
Alabama 6th
Tennessee 18th
Georgia 35th
West Virginia 3rd
Oklahoma 11th
Arkansas 12th
Montana 9th
Arizona 19th
Kentucky 14th
Alaska 2nd


The South won’t rise again, because the South is the pits. As a Georgian, I am tired of being surrounded by Confederate-flag waving, “Dixie” horn-tooting ignoramuses who cite “being born white” as one of their life’s greatest accomplishments.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all wormy peaches down here. But you really sound mentally challenged when you give lipservice to the idea of “rising again” and glorify slavery days as something to return to.





Oh, by the way, your “Confederate flag” is historically inaccurate. Idiots.

4 thoughts on “The South Will Not Rise Again.

  1. Jonathan Jeffries says:

    I know that everything up here is generally true. However, I would like to say that not all of us in the south are total morons. I am a proud supporter of our president and I will be voting for him again. I am not a racist although I can attest to firsthand knowledge of exactly how racist people are here. I have been here all of my life, being born here in Alabama and raised in Louisiana. It’s unfortunate how many of my fellow southerners are these mindless, racist bigots and if it weren’t for having joint custody of my children, I’d probably move out of here, I do not hope or think that “the south shall rise again”. Being an actual history buff, I know it never rose in the first place. I honestly wish that people were not this way, I wish we could all find common ground and realize that we are all stuck on this tiny blue ball in a much larger universe than any of us can comprehend and work towards becoming something greater than we are now.

    • britpoptarts says:

      If I haven’t made it clear before, I was born and raised in the South and still live here. If an exaggeration made for humorous effect does not apply to someone (or you), that should be sufficient for you to say “this does not apply to my friend / me”.

      I tend to assume that my readers are smart enough to figure out that I never make the mistake of saying “ALL X ARE Y”. I do, however, sometimes exaggerate for LULZ.

  2. britpoptarts says:

    In response to: “Jackson
    Submitted on 2013/05/29 at 4:29 pm


    Oh, hello, angry ignoramus. I have lived in the South my entire life, as the article states, and don’t believe in Hell. Also, Red States consume more tax resources than Blue States, which is also mentioned in the article, and I care very much about my neighbors’ well-being.

    Thanks for underscoring all the criticism I made in my post, champ.

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