Ken Bennett, Arizona Secretary of State, Won’t Let The Birther Dream Die

Dear Ken:

We in the great state of Hawaii have received your request…nay, demand…that we release the President’s birth certificate. We are sorry to hear that the entire state of Arizona lacks Internet access and that you did not see both the long and short form birth certificates we already released ages ago.

Let’s be frank, Ken. We in Hawaii are weary of dealing with stupid bullshit like this and we have stuff we need to do. Our Secretary of State is very busy doing Secretary of State stuff, for example, and is eager to learn how you manage to do your Secretary of State stuff and still have time to be all het up about an issue that never was a valid issue to begin with. I suppose there is nothing at all going on in Arizona whatsoever that would keep you busy.

See, Ken, the people who go all nuts over this birth certificate stuff tend to be the kind of idiots who can’t use Google to look up when Hawaii was admitted to the United States as a real, 100% legal, no take-backsies, full-fledged state. Which, incidentally, I seem to recall happened only a couple of years after Arizona had the same status. You guys were the last of the Contiguous 48 to become a state. Remember that? (Also, in case it comes up, your neighbor New Mexico is also a state and not part of Mexico. Hope that helps.)

Your Birther torch-bearer is a crazy dentist cum LOLyer with a voice like an un-oiled outhouse door hinge who actually was NOT born in the United States and she has a name like one of those Internet memes the cool kids all think are so hilarious; you know, the one with an owl. What kind of name is Orly? Is she a nutjob? Yarly.

In conclusion, dear Ken, we will stop what we’re doing right this very minute and rush to get you yet another copy of this goddamned birth certificate that everyone else has seen a hundred times and plastered on t-shirts and coffee mugs all because you can’t stand brown and black people and are doing your best to make your contempt acceptable and excusable to all the other assholes in your state.

You’re a low IQ moron. You are wasting everyone’s time beating a horse so dead that it has already been made into a truckload of Elmer’s glue, gummi bears and Jell-O. You suck and we hate you. You’ll get the goddamned copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of the stupid birth certificate when we damn well get around to it.

Cordially yours,


P.S. Yo momma.



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