I Won’t Mention the Magic Underpants

Republicans run the worst candidates. I have conservative friends and family members and they are close to donning sackcloth and ashes in despair over Mitt Romney.

Let’s take a look back at the quality candidates that competed to win the nomination crown this election season. To be fair, I am going to strive to say something nice about each of the Republicans who had Formally Declared or formed an Exploratory Committee with an eye on running for President in 2012!

Michele Bachman: Your crazy eyes are a lovely shade of blue.

Herman Cain: Godfather’s Pizza used to be very tasty…when I was a small child with undeveloped taste buds.

Newt Gingrich: For a fat guy, you don’t sweat much. Your chutzpah when condemning Democrats for hypothetical ethical lapses is impressive for a man who left not one but two wives while they were languishing in hospital beds and who was censured when Speaker.

Jon Greenspon: Ex-Marine. OORAH.

Jon Huntsman: Your veneers are very white and shiny. Actually, even though I disagree with Huntsman politically, I still liked the guy and thought he was a decent human being. That was when I knew he was doomed to fail.

Gary Johnson: He does not attend church, is pro-choice, anti-big government, pro-immigration, an outspoken critic of the war on drugs and favors legalizing marijuana. And no one knows who the eff he is.

Fred Karger: Self-hating gay guy, but check out his nice suits!

Andy Martin: Spammed “Is Obama a Kenyan Muslim?” emails all over the globe, so clearly has the wild-eyed enthusiasm Teabaggers admire. Has at least one interesting necktie.

Thad McCotter: Plays a mean lead guitar for his band, the New Flying Squirrels. Or so his fan says.

Jimmy McMillan: Even though HE lives in a rent-controlled apartment, he knows that YOUR rent is probably too damn high.

Tom Miller: Likes our Founding Fathers…even if he does not understand exactly what they said.

Roy Moore: Survived West Point and has never been caught shooting anyone in the face. So he’s already one up on Dick Cheney.

Ron Paul: His legion of neckbeard basement-dwellers are all super passionate on Teh Intarweebz, and willing to overlook his racist newsletters and pro-life stance because he pinky-swears that he might legalize pot.

Buddy Roemer: Has an extremely friendly first name.

Mitt Romney: Best. Hair. It’s nice, innit? Too bad about the crazy Christian cultists he’s strapped to himself like ticking bombs. Has the aplomb to lie over 600 times since January and not turn into a pillar of salt from shame. Such a successful businessman that he wants to shield the American public from jealousy by concealing his tax records. Not capable of feeling shame when caught running political adverts with a fragile or non-existent link to reality and truth.

Rick Santorum: Yields most entertaining (if disgusting) results when searched on Google.

Vern Wuensche: I have to admire the chutzpah it takes to run for office with that jawcracker of a surname when your most fervent supporters can’t spell basic English words.

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