Brospotting: A Handy Guide

Translation for the non-Bro-Impaired: "DGAF" mens "Don't Give A Fuck". As such it is incorrect, because Bros and Bro Hos care deeply if you dislike them or their "culture".

Translation for the non-Bro-Impaired: “DGAF” mens “Don’t Give A Fuck”. As such it is incorrect, because Bros and Bro Hos care deeply if you dislike them or their “culture”.

Fear and Loathing of the Bro Culture In America *

Those of us who dislike the Bro-therhood (a.k.a. Bros, Chavs, Billys, Chachis, NEDs (Non-Educated Delinquents), Townies, Kevs, Blousers (women), Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Scutters, Janners, Stigs, Scallies, Hood Rats, White Gangstas, Date-Rapers, Wiggas (offensive) or Nillas (arguably also offensive)), we all know a bro when we see one. But bros don’t seem to recognize themselves. It may be that they have bro-blindness, akin to the inability to look up one’s own nostrils without the aid of a mirror. This checklist will be that sort of mirror. Or so I envision…

Fine, upstanding young gentlemen.

Fine, upstanding young gentlemen.

Note that chav-dom (or bro-ness) is really more of a state of mind than anything, and they love to co-opt things from other (mostly) White People subcultures (and a wide variety of them, too), but there are certain signs you can look out for. Bro-dom isn’t just for males; the female counterparts (Bro Hos, Chavettes, Essex Girls, Woo Girls) can also be spotted. You’re smart enough to figure out which signs are exclusive to which gender, I’m sure.

Nice grill, yo.

Nice grill, yo.

BRO-SPOTTING GUIDE

BRO “STYLE”

FASHION

  • The backwards baseball cap, of course. Extra “bro points” if it has no adjust-a-strap, indicating that it was made specifically to be worn backwards. Even more “bro points” if it has devolved into a modified doo-rag shape, with the bill removed altogether…no-necked bros find it uncomfortable to have that bill digging into their back meat.
  • Baggy pants
  • Oversized jeans worn “jailed” (e.g., loose and beltless)
  • Socks with sandals
  • Trucker hat (both genders rock the redneck topper)
  • Von Dutch hat
  • Ugg boots (women)
  • Adidas
  • Kangol
  • Volcom
  • “freeballin'”
  • As SuperRobot46K put it: those retarded “clever” shirts from Abercrombie with phrases such as “dirty beaver diner, only the freshest beaver served” or “gone south lately?”
  • Burberry plaid print (female bro-hos may wear the new pink Burberry plaid print)
  • Trackies (with or without pantlegs tucked into athletic socks)
  • Labels! Labels are all-important. You might see Lacoste popped collar polos, Nike logo hats, etc.
  • Famous Stars and Straps
  • SKIN
  • TAP OUT
  • Dickies
  • Hurley
  • Foundation
  • No shirt, while in public places
  • Roxy
  • Panama Jack
  • Big Johnson
  • American Eagle
  • Tommy Hilfiger
  • sports jerseys worn when there is no intention of participating in a sport any time soon
  • Long ‘shorts’ with the crotch at knee level
This guy thinks his penis is in this general area, but can't say for sure.

This guy thinks his penis is in this general area, but can’t say for sure.

ACCESSORIES

  • Ear holes (plugs)
  • Tattoos (Sublime-style Gothic lettering, ‘tramp stamps’, Playboy bunny logos, barbed wire tats, Warner Brothers characters, bad band logos, nautical stars, naked ladies, skeletons, flash/jailhouse/joint style tats, spade/KMK tats)
  • toque hats (wool caps)
  • bucket hats (a.k.a. Gilligan lids)
  • tarnishing faux gold (or 9ct / “goldie lookin'”) chains (Lord Of The Chavs: “We haves a sssemi-precioussssss 10k ssssovereign ring!”)
  • “gold” sovereign or half sovereign rings
  • Elizabeth Duke trash jewelry (particularly clown pendants)
  • an orange tan
  • Gigantic shoulder-dusting hoop earrings
  • Old Spice / Axe / Brut / Hai Karate / Cool Water
  • Designer Impostors
  • shaved pecs
He Doesn't Give A Fuck now, but he might later...when he can't get a job paying more than minimum wage.

He Doesn’t Give A Fuck now, but he might later…when he can’t get a job paying more than minimum wage.

 

HAIR

  • the higher and tighter the ponytail or crewcut, the lower the IQ
  • None / shaved head
  • Sluggo-style stubble head
  • Wank-cut (The #4 SuperCuts army lieutenant buzz)
  • Hilter Youth crop
  • White-boy dreds
  • Fauxhawk
  • “Skunked” / Striped / “Chunked” hair: basically, obvious bleach stripes on darker hair
  • Modified Caesar / bowl cut
  • When hair is exposed, it is spiked and greasy with LA Looks hair gel
  • Sometimes no hair is ever exposed, caps worn indoors and out, only removed in shower and MAYBE in bed
We're pretty sure this guy is totally bald.

We’re pretty sure this guy is totally bald.

BRO SUSTENANCE

  • cheap American beer in largest sizes available (including malt liquor in 40s)
  • hot wings
  • Coronas
  • pot
  • convenience store snacks
  • Slim Jims
  • McDonald’s
  • Taco Bell
  • The Omelette Parlor
  • Waffle House
  • Krystal Burger
  • In ‘n’ Out Burger
  • Hooters

BRO “CULTURE”

MUSIC

  • KMK (Kottonmouth Kings)
  • Sublime
  • KORN
  • Crazytown
  • ICP (Insane Clown Posse)
  • Marilyn Manson
  • Eminem
  • Slip (Slipknot)
  • Kid Rock
  • Andrew W.K.
  • Atreyu
  • Metallica
  • Avenged Sevenfold
  • Pennywise
  • Social Distortion
  • RANCID
  • Blink182
  • Operation Ivy
  • Metal Mulisha
  • NOFX
  • MXPX
  • Story Of The Year
  • Dropkick Murphys
  • AFI
  • ATF
  • RHCP
  • Sick Of It All
  • Saves The Day
  • 311
  • Sum 41
  • Good Charlotte
  • TRAPT
  • death metal
  • black metal
  • heavy metal
  • Christian “rock”
  • gangsta rap
  • rap rock
  • classic rock (“Freebird!”)
  • Grateful Dead (inherited from older sibling)
  • Limp (Limp Bizkit)
Wow! Has Fred Durst been working out lately or WHAT?

Wow! Has Fred Durst been working out lately or WHAT?

TELEVISION (past and present)

  • Jackass
  • Viva Le Bam
  • Elimidate
  • Fifth Wheel
  • Pimp My Ride
  • Spike TV
  • the WB
  • South Park
  • Beavis & Butthead
  • Monster Garage
  • Fear Factor
  • Overhaulin’
  • Simple Life
  • NeXt
  • Parental Control
  • Inked
  • Dog The Bounty Hunter
  • Honey Boo Boo

OMFGWTFBBQLOLZ, it's Ashlee Simpson, not actually singing! Note inset image of unattractive (and not particularly impressively designed) bro ho star tat.

BOOKS

(none)

MAGAZINES

  • Playboy
  • Hustler
  • Maxim
  • Sports Illustrated
  • Motor Trend
  • PennySaver
  • Cosmo
  • Juggs
Please do not confuse this elegant young lady with an ambulatory petri dish brimming with social diseases.

Please do not confuse this elegant young lady with an ambulatory petri dish brimming with social diseases.

MOVIES / VIDEOS

  • Lords Of Dogtown
  • Jackass
  • Kangaroo Jack
  • Bad News Bears, the remake
  • American History X
  • The Fast & The Furious movies
  • The xXx (Diesel/Cube) movies
  • “Debbie Does…” movies
  • 8 Mile
  • “Girls Gone Wild” series
  • Bill & Ted movies
  • Dukes Of Hazzard
  • movies where shit blows up
  • movies where lots of cars crash
  • movie where two Asian dudes kick the crap out of each other in slow motion
  • teenage sex comedies like American Pie
  • The Devil’s Rejects
Britni invites the posse back to her crib for a round of Natty Lites

Britni invites the posse back to her crib for a round of Natty Lites

 

NON-BRO MOVIES

  • Merchant/Ivory flicks
  • documentaries
  • art films
  • Anime without any hentai (e.g., anime with no tentacle sex)
  • Black and white
  • Subtitled
  • Foreign
  • Foreign AND subtitled

CELEBRITIES BROS REVERE:

  • Fergie (from the Black-Eyed Peas)
  • Eminem
  • Fitty (50 Cent)
  • Travis Barker
  • Diddy
  • Puffy
  • P. Diddy
  • P. Daddy
  • Snoop
  • ODB RIP
  • 2Pac RIP
  • Jesse James
  • OZZY!
  • Verne Troyer and Weeman (and any other “celebrity” midgets or dwarves)
  • Johnny Knoxville
  • various MTV veejays
  • The Blue Collar Comedy Tour troupe
  • Hulk Hogan
  • Swedish Bikini Team
  • Paris Hilton
  • Nicole Ritchie
  • Fred Durst
  • Dave Chapelle
  • Rob VanWinkle (Vanilla Ice)
  • pornstars
  • Pro wrestlers
  • the Gotti kids
  • Kevin Federline
  • Britney Spears
  • Nick Lachey
  • Jessica Simpson
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • Snooki
  • JWOWW
  • The Situation
  • Those other assbags I can’t be bothered to go Google
Shiva Gotti, the four-armed mutant Gotti who never gets airtime

Shiva Gotti, the four-armed mutant Gotti who never gets airtime

BRO HABITATS

Bros are often spotted:

  • in the 909
  • in Florida
  • in New Jersey
  • in fraternity houses
  • at OzzFest
  • enjoying themselves during MTV “Spring Break”
  • sweating on beaches
  • Lake Havasu
  • Corona
  • throwin’ up gang signs in their mom’s livingroom.
  • hanging out outside conveience stores
  • scaring small children away from park playgrounds
  • leaving their rivers of sweat all over gym equipment
  • at dog fights
  • Monster truck rallies
  • Ogling girls at Hooters (D00D! BEWBEEZ!!!)
  • walking in a huge clot at malls, not parting to let others pass
  • Riverside
  • Buckhead (Atlanta)
  • car shows
  • gun shows
  • NASCAR
  • Sporting events
  • Starting fights
  • Harassing women
  • Harassing goths
  • Harassing kids who listen to Emo music
  • Harassing Democrats
  • Harassing Pro-Choicers
  • Harassing non-Christians (or Christians who are from a different Christian sect than their own)
  • drawing spurting penis graffiti on a wall
  • Free outdoor fireworks displays
This is all Eminem's fault.

This is all Eminem’s fault.

Bros will rarely if ever be found:

  • in graduate school
  • at the ballet or the theatre
  • purchasing a tuxedo
  • in art museums
  • driving a sensible four-door sedan
  • buying fitted pants
  • in Advanced Placement classes
  • at a poetry reading
  • contributing to a student newspaper or literary magazine

BRO VALUES AND HABITS

Bros enjoy:

  • Amusement Parks
  • Hot wings
  • Eating contests
  • Wet T-Shirt contests
  • Thong contests
  • Urinating in public
Two genteel debutantes from Corona, California.

Two genteel debutantes from Corona, California.

  • doing do-nuts in the neighbor’s flower beds
  • pissing on walls
  • underage drinking (or enabling underage drinking)
  • Bro hos enjoy showing a flirtation with “trendy bisexuality” to lure in horndog Bros
  • muttering crap about “RaHoWa” and White Power…but not doing it anywhere near any non-white people, of course
  • Leaving graffiti on walls
  • Waiting until their friends pass out and then drawing on them with markers or otherwise humiliating them, and then taking pictures of the results
  • housewreckin’ bashes
  • Souping up their four-wheelers
  • annoying others with their mega-bass
  • muddin’ on their quads
  • mudboggin’ in their trucks
  • BMX bikin’
  • Jet-skiin’
  • grubbin’
  • beer funnellin’
  • emulating African-American “hoodlums” despite not knowing any personally
Some suburban O.G.s from Nebraska. They're dead hard, yo. Thug life in the 'hood is tough. For realz.

Some suburban O.G.s from Nebraska. They’re dead hard, yo. Thug life in the ‘hood is tough. For realz.

  • lighting farts
  • making a run for the border for nachos
  • accusing anything and anyone they dislike of being “gay”
  • “kickin’ it with their homies” in parking lots
  • slouching around The Mall
  • X-Treme sports (even if they suck at them)
  • prank calls
  • juvenile stunts
  • funny animal bloopers
LOZ, look u guyz, itz deer pr0n!

LOZ, look u guyz, itz deer pr0n!

Bros want:

  • Hos
  • weed
  • “respeck”
  • big cars to overcompensate for tiny anatomy
  • big dogs to overcompensate for tiny anatomy
  • a larger double-wide
  • to beat up on non-bros
  • no one to find out about that “Cher” song on their iPod
  • a pair of breast-implanted girls who will pretend to be lesbians
  • to grow up to be Fred Durst, Eminem, 50 Cent, or a Gotti.
  • to be the first white Original Gangsta ever–lots of dumb white kids emulating what THEY BELIEVE is typical A.A. behavior
Waiting for Celine Dion tickets to go on sale. Only two more days! Woo!

Waiting for Celine Dion tickets to go on sale. Only two more days! Woo!

BRO LANGUAGE

COMMON SLANG

  • brah
  • Broham
  • Broseph
  • nugga / nukka (and variants)
  • bitches
I was informed that this picture was captioned "Me an mah bitchez" by one of the bro hos pictured. Sad.

I was informed that this picture was captioned “Me an mah bitchez” by one of the young ladies pictured. Sad.

  • hella
  • pimp
  • shiznit
  • da, dese, dose
  • dawg
  • DGAF
  • bling
  • Duuuuude!
  • Siiiiiick
  • A’ight
  • Fool (noun)
  • Tits (adjective)
  • Daaaaank
  • dank nugs
  • Gnarly
  • sweeeeet
  • pimp / pimpette
  • juggalo / juggalette
  • “thick chick”
  • hata / hater
  • playa / player
  • badass
  • thug / thugga
  • gangsta / O.G.
  • 420
You know their parents are proud of them.

You know their parents are proud of them.

 

GRAMMAR /SPELLING

  • usually poor
  • numbers substituted for letters
  • no subject / verb agreement
  • Caucasian bros enjoy using African-American patois and slang
  • lots of exclamation points

BRO CATCH PHRASES

  • “Keepin’ It Real”
  • “On the Down-Low”
  • “America: Love It Or Leave It”
  • “Brothers 4 Life”
  • “Thats hot / your not” (translation: “That’s hot, you’re hot”–bro-hos emulate Paris Hilton whenever possible)
  • ‘Rock out with your cock out’
  • any and all Snoop-isms, ma nizzle
  • ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy’
  • ‘Bros before hos’
  • ‘Nuggaz’/’Nukkaz’ and all variations
  • “Text message” slanguage (do U sk8?). Ugh.
  • ‘Bitchez get stitchez’
  • “Pimpin’ Ain’t Ea$y”
  • “Are you Down?”
  • “That’s tight!”
  • “I’d hit dat shit, brah”
  • “Fo’ da shawties (shorties)”
  • ‘Party Naked!’
  • ‘Party Hardy!’ (The correct spelling of this phrase would be “Party HEARTY”, which is still ungrammatical.)
  • “Don’t be a fag” (and other homophobic phrases)
  • “Don’t be (a) pussy” (and other misogynistic phrases)
  • (when listening to the radio and talking to other white Bro friends) “Hey, n*gga, this my shit right here!!!”
  • Duuuuude!
  • “Are you Down?”
  • “That’s tight!”
  • “A’ight”
  • “Fool” (noun)
  • “Daaaaank”
  • “Gnarly”
  • “I’d hit dat shit, brah”
  • “Chillin’ and grillin'”
  • “Maxxin’ and relaxin'”
  • “Check it out, bro, I just lifted my truck”
  • “Whasssssaaaaaah(p)?”
  • “I’m Rick James, bitch!”
  • “GIT ‘ER DONE!!!”
  • “mad skillz”
  • “he got up in mah grill”
  • “Junk in the trunk”
  • “ghetto booty”
Rodin's less-famous sculpture, 'The Stinker'.

Rodin’s less-famous sculpture, ‘The Stinker’.

BRO MATERIALISM

Bros own (or like to pretend they own):

  • a bazillion ugly hats
  • Big four wheeler trucks
  • Big mean dogs (pitbulls or pit mixes for preference…Rotties also get high marks; Dobies are falling in favor)
  • Gold chains
  • Guns
  • The newest sneakers on the market
  • More than one bro ho at their beck and call
  • Pay-per-call mobiles (bro-hos will be attracted to pink “quilted” ones)

No self-respecting bro will own or enjoy:

  • A Pulp CD
  • Cufflinks
  • A large, overflowing bookcase
  • Brie, sushi, or other foods requiring a sophisticated palate
  • A cat as a pet
  • PBS programming, the History channel, the Discovery channel

BRO VEHICLES

  • Ford Mustangs – preferably the 1999 models in red.
  • Chevy Camaros – any model will do, although it seems the bros around here prefer the ones from 1995 on.
  • Volkswagen Jetta–Bro-ho wheels
  • The New Beetle – THE bro-ho vehicle of choice (other than the Volkswagen Vetta). I once saw a Bug with daisies for lights.
  • Tuners a.k.a. “rice rockets” – I don’t know why, but seeing bros in Civics makes me laugh.
  • Toyota SR5
  • Toyota Tocomas (preferably lifted)
  • Chevy Extremes (preferably lowered)
  • sleek little black Mitzubishis with dark tinted windows
  • Jeeps
  • Hummers
  • Vauxhall Nova
  • VW GTi with spoilers


Classic examples of large trucks indicating miniscule penises.

BRO VEHICLE “ENHANCEMENTS”

  • No Fear / Fear This stickers
  • Calvin Peeing stickers (Poor Bill Watterson regrets his decision not to market his characters every day he goes for a drive.)
  • Truck Nutz
  • neon underliners and / or license plate frames
  • Deer-stunner headlights
  • NASCAR driver number stickers
  • faded George Bush campaign stickers
  • new Ron Paul or Romney/Ryan stickers
  • Pro-Life stickers
  • Pro-War in Iraq stickers
  • “(picture of American Flag:) These Colors Don’t Run”
  • decorative window decals announcing the make and model of vehicle or a lame personal message
  • faded stuffed animals rotting away in the back window
  • Spray-on mud (really!)
  • faux bullet holes (stickers)
  • pine tree air freshener, blank CD, Mardi Gras beads, a thong, other cliche crap attached to rearview mirror

STEREOTYPICAL BRO (HO) NAMES

(NOTE: Not all people named thusly are bros or bro-hos; be careful!)

Male: Chad, Jason, Kev, Trev, Jesse, Trey, Trip, Tres, Brad, Jake, Kyle, Elvis, Dwayne, Clay, Jeff, Tyler, Hunter (last name as first name), Gav, Baz, Biff, Chuck, Cliff, Ridge, Hill, River, Dale, Stone, Branch (topographical / weather-related / soap opera character name)

Female: Shazzers, Kymberlie, Britni, Tiffany, Tracy, Jodie, Alisha, Janine, Stefani, Jamaica (place name), Schuyler/Skyler, Michael (traditionally male name), Kennedy, Taylor (last name as first name), Brandi (alcohol product / stereotypical stripper name / 70’s soft rock song), Brooke, Skye, Stormee, Windy (topographical / weather-related / soap opera character name)

* Please note that the presence of one or two of the above traits (a habit of saying “dude”, liking American beer, having Mardi Gras beads on your rearview, being amused by women fondling each other in public, or streaking your hair) does not automagically make you a Bro or a Bro Ho. It’s mostly the ATTITUDE, and if you laughed at this entry rather than getting bent out of shape, you are probably safe and not a homo scallius chavvium (a.k.a., homo nonsapiens bro-verminus). Also, if you’re young and don’t know any better, we’re sorry. Please have taste by the time you are legally an adult.

One thought on “Brospotting: A Handy Guide

  1. mommywoman says:

    My 20 year old son has several of these qualities and used to fit the stereotype perfectly…the he knocked up his Girlfriend and now has to act like an adult!
    He looks sooooo much better now, he wears dress pants that must actually fit and no longer display his choice of undergarment!

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