When I talked about Bad Ads on another blog, I got some great responses. BEHOLD:
Even the new commercials have the “angel” theme, with the cute little white child making “bedspread angels” atop the freshly softened sheets.
Which really amuses me, because I’m used to using the term “making bedspread angels” as a euphemism for really wild sex.
Dear Herbal Essences: Your shampoos are terrible. And I’ve conducted an informal poll. They are no substitute for actual sex (or foreplay). You don’t fool us.YES, THAT, PRECISELY. I was so disappointed.
As a former spelling bee geek, that Mini-Wheats commercial irritates me to no end. With all the press that the bee is getting lately, you’d think the people behind that commercial might have been better acquainted with the rules of the competition. Seriously, it would’ve worked just as well to have her hesitating after the first ‘A’ and then conversing with the Mini-Wheat during that time…of course, the really sad thing is that most people probably don’t realize anything’s wrong with the ad at all. >_<
The one that really bugs me is the one where the man and woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant for their fifth anniversary, and she surprises him with Sirius satellite radio. Remember that one? He’s blown away by something so thoughtful and wonderful; so blown away that he looks her in the eyes and says “I love you.” SO blown away, in fact, he then waves away the waiter just before he brings in the brightly frosted “I Want a Divorce” cake!So this jack-off, who’s about to dump his completely unsuspecting wife in an absolutely humiliating way in front of a restaurant full of strangers, deserves
Sirius satellite radio? Fuck that shit, man.
One from years ago that really steamed my beans: A man is swimming in a pool when, across the pool, he spies the most beautiful woman he ever sees. “Your eyes,” begins the voice-over, “Are 98% water.” As he swims in her direction, more factoids about the human body and their water content are announced. Then, just as he’s almost to the other side of the pool, two kids run out and the woman hugs them. The guy reacts as though she’d just hocked up a loogie on the deck, or lit up a pack of cigarettes all at one go a la the coneheads. He slinks away, heartbroken that there are small children who like this woman, and the announcer reminds us to drink Aquafina. It pissed me off royally. If they were intending to show that the woman was unavailable, they could have had a sudden glint of sunlight on her wedding band, or a big burly boyfriend, or any number of things; in this case, however, it was unclear if the children were actually hers (I know I hug my nieces when I see them!) or if she were a single mother, or what. The whole idea of “Children are unattractive” may as well have been plastered on the screen.
Conversely, around the same time, there was an ad in which a woman is walking down the street, sipping a Dasani. A band similar to the Temptations is following her, singing about how cool and smart and sassy this lady is. When the camera zooms out, she just happens to be pushing a stroller. Guess which I prefer to drink.
With #20, the Philly cream cheese ads have always bugged me, because I always wonder about her manservant guy. He’s in heaven, he’s got the wings, and he still has to wait on this selfish bitch. Was he only sort of good when he was alive?
He wasn’t naughty enough for Gosh to dang him to Heck, but he was also not good enough to make it to the big time.
I had to comment because I’m so glad someone else thinks the Tide Pen commercials are scary. I didn’t even know that was Kelly Ripa — I would just mentally shriek “GAH! Get off my TV, scary woman, with your skull-like face and creepy eyes!”
I’m surprised that you didn’t mention the scary smiling guy from erectile dysfunction medicine commercials. He always creeps me out, and Spike TV insists upon showing that ad 12 times an hour whenever I want to watch a little TNG or CSI.Also agree on the commercials for cheap wine. If you’re practically getting off on Island Mist, you desperately need exposure to better alcohol.
Finally, I always have to laugh when they show the ads for the genital herpes medicine. Maybe it’s just a response to the TMI intro (“Hi, I have genital herpes”…um, good for you?), or maybe it’s just the reaction to the side effects (dude, if you have genital herpes and AIDS, maybe you should consider not having sex anymore).
Some comedian was talking about how much fun the people in the herpes medicine ads seem to be having, and he says, “Damn, I wish I had herpes! I’d go kayaking and mountain-biking and everything!”
In Denver, they actually have an aquarium restaurant that serves fish. So you can sit there enjoying your salmon or shrimp or orange roughy and watch their cousins float around happily in the wall right in front of you AT THE SAME TIME! I found that a little wrong. It of course didn’t stop me from pointing to the tank and trying to order “that one”. I’m sure the waiters get that a lot.
Glorious! Once again I am relieved to know that there are people out there who aren’t entirely brain dead. You’ve just made my day over here in customer service world. Keep up the great ranting!
“Mind. (OBEY!) Find. (STALK!) Bind. (TIE UP IN YOUR BASEMENT!)”
I about died. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, though I too am skeptical about the ‘helpfulness’ Dr. Shinyhead McTexas might provide in my trying to find a date.
And he does love his catchy slogans, doesn’t he?
The skittles guy with chin hair/trunk is definitely the freakiest in my book. Sorry, not hiring you buddy. Stroking your interviewer with your facial hair during an interview isn’t acceptable behaviour if you want to be hired. Especially not when you’re also eating.
Or my new favourite.
“CANCER. Caused by a VIRUS!”
Now, I learned this in 8th grade health class, which was ::counts:: 8 years ago. This isn’t breaking news. My favourite is when they say “It’s caused by a common virus.”
Common virus? Maybe if you’s a ho? In my world, a cold is a common virus. Cancer caused by a COLD – THAT would be newsworthy!
Common in that well over half the adult population has it, often in symptomless form. Remember, men are carriers too; even a woman who remains virgin until marriage and faithful thereafter will get it if her husband messed around with the wrong person before or after the marriage.And what is
breaking news is that now there’s a vaccine
against that virus — a vaccine that could save the lives of thousands of women per year in the US alone. So, of course, certain factions are trying to have it suppressed on the basis of “it might encourage young women to go out and have sex.”
Yep. Given a choice between sex and death (for their daughters), they’ll choose death EVERY DAMN TIME.
And being as HPV (though granted, a different form) is also what causes warts of any stripe…then technically, it’s a pretty common virus (just like herpes simplex 1 causes cold sores–or as I teased a high school friend once when she had one, “[her name] has herpes! [her name] has herpes!” Her reply: “I DO NOT!!”).
wrote: I am SO glad that I’m not the only person who is disgusted by modern day advertising. Everytime I end up watching TV (usually with or because of my friends) I end up on these huge involved rants about the commercials and their stupidity. Some other creepy ones I tend to hate with a passionate loathing are:The one about nail infections with the creepy little goblin dude Digger lifting up someones nail like the flip top lid of a trash can and wiggling in. I mean EW! I did NOT need that mental image EVER! And then to see his and all his little friends partying surrounded by soft pink tissue which they turn gray and pink and scratch up, I usually end up flipping the channel half way through the commercial due to sheer disgust.
The new commercials for Terminex with the talking walls. I don’t know about other people but the minute my house starts talking (even if it IS to provide semi useful advice about an infestation) I am heading for the hills as fast as I can possibly get there. Honestly people, talking houses are NEVER a good thing!!!! Never!
The also fairly new commercial about the Shick Quatro Titanium that involves a guy with a shiny jaw causing a gym beautie to fall on her treadmill. Okay first shaving should NOT make your jaw shiny, if I saw a guy with a shiny jaw I would not be impressed, in fact I would think that they were some sort of freak of nature. Two, obviously the thing every hot girl is looking for in a guy is a close shave, lets just TOTALLY IGNORE the fact that some people prefer facial hair. And three I resent the stereotype that all skinny blondes are so easily distracted that just because some guy has a close shave they would fall off their treadmill. I happen to BE a skinny blonde and I have NEVER had an ‘Ooh shiny!’ moment in my life.
Finally my personally most despised commercial is the one about the gas guzzler Camry with the DVD and the bratty little kid and her dad. So the little kid howls and cries and whines her way through the shopping trip and ends up being REWARDED with cartoons and snacks! WTF! My niece tried that on me once and I told her if she didn’t straighten up not only would she get a time out at home but I’d turn her over my knee and spank her. No little kid should get away with behaving like that.
And now my rant is over. Later!
The Welch’s grape juice commercials irk me to no end. They just keep replacing the kids with ones even more annoying. Ugh.
Also the flea medicine (Advantix?) commercial with the singing puppy. I STILL get that song stuck in my head, over a year after they stopped airing the stupid thing. You know the one. “Hello mother. Hello father. Fleas, ticks, mosquitos, really bother…” Never have I wanted to kick a puppy more.
While not disagreeing with anything here, I would like to mention that the “Eat Mor Chikin” campaign has a starkly vicious attitude that’s almost refreshing in the commercial world, which seems otherwise to be largely full of fluff. Think about Winston Smith in 1984, screaming, “Do it to Julia!” in Room 101. (However, the campaign has gone on much too long at this point, and is now very stale.)
Larry Niven and Steven Barnes had some interesting things to say in The Barsoom Project about cartoon animals begging to be eaten. In fact, one of the major subplots in the book is about our attitudes toward food in general; you might find it worth a read.The Tide Pen commercial reminds me irresistably of the scene in the Buffy musical of the guy singing triumphantly, “They got the mustard out!”
I usually tolerate ads well enough if they amuse me….I have few qualms. But I have to say I’ve never been so irritated by an ad that I routinely wish to hurl things at the TV – the damn spelling bee ad is terrible. If only because I’m a fan of the musical 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. There’s a SONG, for god’s sake. “If you start to spell a word you may start over but the sequences of letters already spoken may not be changed…” Also, the Capital One “NO!” ad, with the voodoo doll. The guy will NOT be spinning helplessly in the air if his doll is stuck on a pencil. Put him on top of a pole, damn it.And the Burger King guy freaks me the hell out. As do the Febreeze animals. *Twitch. Twitch*
The Capital 1 ad just annoys me because it’s yet another instance of “the stupid guy is a fat guy.”
I hate hate HATED the Burger King “I am a man” commercial. Yeah, okay, go and appropriate a feminist anthem for misogynistic purposes, AND while you’re at it promote the old “real men eat MEAT!” cliche. Thanks guys! I’ll be over at Subway.
I just saw that Skittles commercial a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was creepy and gross. *shivers*Suffice it to say that they are insufficiently clear as to whether or not it’s a suit that is yellow with polka dots of an unspecified hue, or whether the bikini itself has yellow-colored polka dots.
I’ve always wondered about that as well.
Funniest thing ever, in part because in reading some of these it was like reading my own thoughts. 🙂
4. You forget the creepiness of watching something–even if it’s just a cartoon bear–take a shit on-screen as it goes through all the facial expressions associated with such an act…5. Gotta disagree with this, just because I think the world is too full of TV shows, movies, and commercials that essentially say ‘you’re worth nothing as a woman if you’re not attractive’ by making all the main characters attractive and scantily-clad, while killing off all of the unattractive women…
6. I saw this commercial ONCE and I assumed “Yaz” was like some low-dose “new” version of Yasmin…but by the end of the commercial I wasn’t so sure.
10. Don’t forget the creepy, “seems to just randomly and eerily pop up everywhere,’ Quaker Oatmeal statue-dude…
11. Definitely Kevin Spacey, now that you mention it. Wow.
14. The fat guy lazing about with his buddies in the backyard who tells his wife, who has clearly been out doing errands and shopping for groceries, to make him a DiGiorno pizza…and hurry it up, chop-chop!
I loved the end of this commercial…until they changed it and then the guys aren’t even fazed by the sprinkler; the fact that they took away the [measly] consequences for the guy being a jerk pissed me off. Well, actually, I loved it because they didn’t show the more realistic alternative of her saying “fuck you, asshole, make your own damn pizza and I want a divorce and all your stuff because you’re such a dick,” but you take what you can get.
18. And who wants to marry someone who makes dorkalicious noises like that at ALL, let alone over frigging island-fruit-flavored crap, which sounds bloody disgusting?
May I also suggest Mr. Clean and all of those other ads that feature a frazzled woman and her cleaning gear…who needs to be saved by a man…yet said man doesn’t even do the work, just shows her how to do it? IOW, “women even need men to show them how to clean, but they still have to do the cleaning themselves.” And people say there’s not still sexism in this society.
Re: 5–I actually agree with this. I’d prefer to see normally attractive people on TV more often. My complaint is that they decided to show an unconventionally attractive child doing a “nerdy” activity. Why not have the homely child in other commercials doing normal kid things, like playing with games, drinking beverages, whatever. They didn’t have to choose this commercial to spotlight a child who isn’t a beauty queen, but they did–because, again, on TV, nerds are almost always unattractive.Re: 10–Excellent point! He’s creepy indeed.
Re: 18–Maybe they deserve each other. 🙂 Who knows what noises the guy makes when he drinks his alcoholic beverage of choice? Besides *belch*, I mean.
And another kudo on catching the Mr Clean “hidden message”. I have always thought it would be much more helpful if he pitched in and scrubbed away. But no. Never happens.
Yes, herbal essences is overpriced crap that dammages your hair . . . but did you know it also removes the pee smell from soiled linens, carpets, etc? Works like a charm for cat/dog/human odors. About the only thing it’s useful for if you ask me. . . . but still not orgasmic. I’m just waiting to hear of someone trying to use it as lube . . .