Remember When MySpace Was A Thing?

This was posted on one of those “best of” lists way back in the day, and since I’m poking about in some old files, I’m sharing the LULZ.

Some guy named sebbythewolf overhears a conversation in a restaurant:

Family of 8 walks in. Even number of both adults and children. One of the children, I’d say he was about 11-ish, mentions that he has a MySpace page. The following ensues:

Old Biddy: MySpace? What’s a MySpace?
Kid: 
It’s a–
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
It’s a place where children get victimized on the internet.
Old Biddy: 
D:
Kid: 
D:
EVERYONE ELSE: 
D:
Me: 
*snickersnickerohshitpleasedonotletmebustoutlaughingRIGHTNOW*
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
You’re deleting that when you get home.
Kid: 
D: But MO-OM!!
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
No buts! I will not have my child anally-raped (yeah, she said it) by some perrrverrrrrt he met on the INTERNET!
Kid: 
D: MOM!! I’m not going to get anally-raped! I’m not stu–
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
Don’t talk back to me! No son of mine is getting anally raped by some lonely old bastard pretending to be a 12 year old girl! I know how those INTERNET PREDATORS work! You’re deleting it. End of discussion!!!!!
EVERYONE ELSE: 
o_O o_o O_o O_O @_@ D: D: D:
Other Customer A: 
Um…check please?
Old Biddy: 
Do they really anally rape children on that site?
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
Oh yes, I read all about it. It’s really just some giant childrens’ porn site where they anally rape children RIGHT THERE. We discussed it in Church earlier. The Evils of Myspace and how its just a place where children get anally raped.
Other Customer B: 
Lady…trying to eat here…keep your apparently self-arousing discussions of preteen rape to YOURSELF. Fuck.
Waitress: 
Ma’am, could you please keep your voice down. There are other patrons–
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
I will not! Myspace is EVIL AND THEY ANALLY RAPE CHILDREN!!!! Don’t let your children use it! THEY WILL GET RAPED!
Waitress: 
Then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re disturbing our other patrons.
MOMTOTALLYINTERRUPTS!: 
THEY MUST BE WARNED ABOUT ANAL RAPE ON THE INTERNET!!!!!111!!!
Other Customer B: 
Lady…it’s the internet. It’s loaded with “anal rape”. You aren’t telling us anything. Now please…shut up so I can enjoy the rest of my eggs.
EVERYONE ELSE: 
😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
Me: 
XD!!!!! 

Oh lawd.

MySpacer: Wonder if I’ve got mail..
MySpace: Surprise! Buttsecks!!
MySpacer: Oh noez!

Back in the day, I had three MySpace accounts. Three. One for me, one for my pet ferrets (created one day when I was very bored) and one for my radio show. Not once has anyone attempted to anally rape me. I’d be more indignant about that if I was actually down with “buttsecks”.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on MySpace is that “Ann Coulter” attempted to be my MySpace Friend and I threw up more than just a little in my mouth.

That and the nine hundred and forty two “I know you said you don’t add bands to your profile, but our sucks-a-lot band (that sounds nothing like the hundreds of musical groups and musicians on your profile that you DO like) are so fucking special that you will rush to add us immediately anyway…” (Except, not. *Delete*) e-mails I get a day are almost as bad as anal rape. Oh, wait, no they aren’t anal rape is terrible. Don’t do it.

I had instructions on my personal page directing the truly oblivious out there to my radio show page where I added just about everybody (except Ann Coulter). I had a novella-length list of music I actually like listed on my profile that would indicate to the literate that their clownmunch rap-rock is not likely to be warmly received.

I ranted frequently about grammar abuse (and included handy graphical diagrams in those rants) on my page and made it clear I was not in a particularly open-minded mood about certain personality types specifically to alert the curious that Bros, Creepy Dysfunctional Pseudogoths, People Who Do Not Read, teh illit3rutt, angry conservatives and creepy old fuckers who want cybersex are not on my list of Favorite Things. If they were, the list might look like this:

These are a few of my favorite things!
1. Raindrops on roses.
2. Whiskers on kittens. It always cheers me up to see a kitten sleeping in any kind of a basket.
3. Brown paper packages tied up with string. Except…not so much, after 9/11.
4. Crisp apple strudels. With 100% vegan organic farm-raised free-range steroid-free apples that were not oppressed by the patriarchy.
5. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes.
6. Creepy old fuckers who want to anally rape me on MySpace. Yay woo.
7. Silver white winters that melt into spring.
8. Luserz who a’buse teh apostrophe’s’ & r dum & think buuuks r dum 2 LULZ! Rly!
9. Bright copper kettles that do not associate with pots of any kind.
10. Warm woolen mittens, to guard against Global Warming.

I don’t miss MySpace.

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