The ‘No Dumb People Allowed’ Non-cult Cult

I don’t know what keeps me from starting another Only Dumb White Anglo-Saxon Protestant People Allowed cult and hoarding weapons. Unless it’s, maybe, horror, common sense and knee-jerk rejection of things my family members used to (and in some case still) believe.

Maybe I can start the first No Dumb People Allowed cult that doesn’t care what religion you are and doesn’t make NRA membership a requirement. We can bond over our shared belief in the goodness of delicious desserts, a lack of desire to make an ass of oneself in public by bitching at people in service work positions, breast-feeders, smokers and people who dress funny, and ability to read and write. We will know how to tip properly, we will have manners, we will not share with the world what our underwear looks like by wearing stupid pants, we will not drive Canyoneros while bitching about the price of fuel, we will leave vegans and meat-eaters and smokers and childfree people the fuck alone, we will not misuse technology (e.g. mobile phones) to annoy others, and we will vote only after educating ourselves adequately. (Most important: we WILL vote.) We won’t abuse animals or kids, we’ll string up pedophiles by their genitals, and anyone using Leet Speak non-ironically will be shunned. There aren’t enough religions that know how to perform a good shunning. Our cult will shun (and smite) with discretion and forethought.

The David Sedaris / Douglas Adams rule: Bring your own towel.

The Stoner Dude rule: Be excellent to each other.

The Grammar Cop rule: If you misuse that apostrophe again, you’re getting my foot up your ass.

The Homophile rule: Gay people are okay, leave them alone and mind your own damn business.

The ER rule: I will not annoy my doctor by abusing ambulance services, scamming for drugs, or claiming I was just SOCMOB (Standing On a Corner Minding my Own Business) when Some Dude and This Bitch attacked me and inserted an embarrassing RFB (rectal foreign body) in my personal area.

The Waitperson rule: Tip 20%. Well, at least 15%, damn it.

The Childfree rule: I will not assume that having kids makes me better (or worse than) people who do not have kids, I will not demand special treatment (see: “Baby On Board” signs), I will not neglect to corral my child(ren) if they get unruly, and I will not ask people without kids constantly when they plan to have them (as it is none of my business and as it does not make them better or worse human beings than myself if they choose not to breed).

The Jehovah’s Witness / Mormon rule: I will not assume that everyone I do not know is a heathen who will be ecstatic when awakened on their day off to hear my unsolicited opinions about religion.

The Telemarketer rule: I will not abuse the telemarketers, nor will I be a telemarketer. If I must be a telemarketer, I will accept “No, thank you” as my cue to hang up and annoy some other poor tool.

The Politician rule: When I lie, that lie will be tattooed on my face. When I run out of room there, I will get my lies branded upon my arse. When I create issues to bamboozle the stupid into voting for my party, I will receive a nearly fatal shock from my mandatory ankle shock cuffs. When have hair like a fright wig and body art that indicates that I qualify to join the circus, I will resign from public office.

The Pet-Owner rule: My animal is not an accessory. My animal has feelings. My animal is not to be abandoned when inconvenient. My animal will not be allowed to annoy the neighbors by crapping or barking or yowling or spraying pee or breeding constantly. My animal will be well-trained and will not attack, intimidate, simulate sexual acts upon or bite people.

The Spammer rule: I will have my Internet access permanently revoked if I send more than 10 strangers an e-mail designed to earn me Big Buck$ online. Also, I will be boiled in hot oil.

The Holocaust Revisionist rule: I will be sent back in time as a Jew and experience the non-existence of Auschwitz firsthand.

The NAMBLA Member rule: I will be stalked and sexually mauled by an unattractive degenerate that is at least twice my size and three times my age. Also, I will be boiled in hot oil. Twice.

The Bad Driver rule: My stupidity, impatience and road rage will only cause myself and my vehicle damage, injury, death, delay or grief and not affect anyone else on the road. Also, I will be forced to drive a Ford Pinto.

The Homophobe rule: I will be forced to live until I die on a deserted island with three dozen gay people who embody everything I fear and hate about gay people. The gay people will be given all the comforts and luxuries they desire and will be allowed to come and go as they please. I will get a daily swift kick in the ass.

What rules would you enforce if you had your own non-culty cult to run?

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2 thoughts on “The ‘No Dumb People Allowed’ Non-cult Cult

  1. I once got a free drink at Wendy’s for telling a woman who was bitching at the employees what I thought about her and her stupid complaints. I don’t remember exactly what it was about, except that it was really petty, but I was behind her in line, and she turned to me as though to seek sympathy and confirmation. That’s not what she got.

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