The Sexuality Of That Female Stranger You Found Online Is None Of Your Business

I was reading some other blogs and happened across one which is apparently fairly popular. I, like other readers, was startled to see that Popular Blogger gets a lot of very personal, nosy questions. Case in point: “are you bisexual?

Woah. This has anything to do with what, now?

My reaction after reading that was more “why did they feel the need to ask her that?” and much less “oh, she’s bisexual, okay,” because it is none of my business, I don’t care, and it wouldn’t have dawned on me to speculate, as she doesn’t write about that sort of topic.

Witness the dumbassery:

Wow. Can’t believe my question made it into the FAQ. I promise that I will not harass or stalk you now that I know that only 90% of my little fantasy is total fantasy (the part about ever getting to meet you) and that the 10% part about you being “at least curious” is true. Nice to trust my intuition (about you liking girls) and I hope my crush doesn’t make you uncomfortable. I’m harmless, I swear. I ALSO think that all women are a little bi, but I always thought that was just wishful thinking on my part too. I want them to be bi, I hope they are bi, maybe they really all are! You give me hope.

I’m sure she feels a lot better now. Because swearing not to harass or stalk someone implies that you’re capable of considering the idea. No, really. If I suddenly said something like “I certainly don’t consider you one of the aliens controlling my brain“, you have to assume that I’ve had this thought about other people at least once.

The poster also confesses to having a little fantasy about and crush on Popular Blogger, and that s/he had thought about meeting The Barmaid and had even gone so far as to speculate on the bi-curious status of Popular Blogger. That’s not creepy in the least, is it?

The last comment is potentially the most squicky. No, all women are not bi. I’m not. Also, you’re not the Little Engine That Could (or the Little Perv That Hoped). Just because you entertained the concept that a total stranger was bisexual, the fact that she admitted she was does not mean that she welcomed your speculation.

And bisexual women are not bisexual solely to entertain perverts. The illogic going on here seems to be that bisexual women will welcome an audience. The whole “let’s pretend we’re bisexual to get male attention” schtick is lame, and has apparently poisoned a lot of people into thinking that everyone else’s sexuality is our business. As Popular Blogger put it, bisexuality (to her) means that your gender is neither a bonus nor a detriment while she decides if she is interested in you. There was no implication that she’s interested in making her sex life a spectator sport or indulging in threesomes.

This trend (the idea that everyone’s bi, and the rash of women thinking it’s hot to grope each other to attract men rather than because they genuinely like groping other women, for whatever reason) is just as annoying as the apparently wide-spread interest in buttsex (this includes people thinking that the “shocker” hand sign is cool and that everyone would be attracted to someone who is puerile enough to make pseudo-sexual “gang signs” with their hands–usually, the answer is “no, I find that idiotic and wish people would stop broadcasting their every sex-related urge or thought in public”).

Some (straight / gay / bi / female / male) people like it.

A lot of (straight / gay / bi / female / male) people don’t like it.

My personal opinion is that area is an exit and not an entrance, I do not have a prostate so there’s no potential physical pleasure to be had for me, I don’t like risking hemorroids or anal fissures, I do not find poop or areas associated with poop sexy, and it’s not erotic (to me) in the least. If that’s someone else‘s thing, more power to them. It’s none of my business and I won’t think less of them. I’m just weary of hearing about it. Just because something is taboo, that does not mean you absolutely must get your thrills by trying it. There are a lot of taboo things out there, and most of them I have no interest in. If your sex life is so dull that you have to break a taboo to get off, you’re doing something wrong. (You may be thinking “what a prude”. My boyfriends–also far from prudish–would beg to differ.)

Also, straight women occasionally grab each other’s boobies if they want to. At least I know some straight women who do that when they are feeling frisky. I don’t, but I’ve been on the receiving end of a surprise boob-honk. It’s actually not sexual. I admit it must be confusing for innocent bystanders, but so what? The bystanders can think what they want, it’s when they decide that their unsolicited commentary is required or desired–or when they attempt to hit on these gals SOLELY BECAUSE they witnessed some boobie-grabbing, or when they otherwise decide to think with their genitalia rather than their brains and act like jerks–that I have a little problem with it. Were they talking to you? Do they know you? Are you a creepy lesbian-obsessed immature straight guy dumbass who likes to stare and leer at strangers? Then you need to fuck right off. I’m just saying. The world does not revolve around your genitalia, sexual fantasies, wants, needs or desires and the world as a whole is not only not interested, the world as a whole is probably grossed out by you. So shut up.

Anyway, back to the Human Sexuality Experts and Creepy Posters. It gets better. This brain trust confidently states:

EVERYBODY’s bixexual.
No exceptions.

Somewhere, sometime, everyone has had at least a fantasy, thought, dream, or experience with someone of the same sex. Not everyone identifies themselves as bi, not everyone chooses to act on it, but on some level, I think that everyone’s a little bi.

Wrong. Everybody is not bi. And no, not everyone has had a fantasy, thought, dream or experience with someone of the same sex. Sorry to disappoint you.

This does not mean that I have a problem with anyone who is gay or bi. It’s just none of my business until they make it my business.

Ever hear of the Kinsey scale? The opposite ends of the spectrum are not “Straight but secretly a tiny bit into the same sex” and “Gay but secretly a tiny bit into the opposite sex”, they are “100% heterosexual” and “100% homosexual”.

Also, even if someone’s subconscious produced a dream about a same sex attraction or experience, this has no relevance on reality. That’s like saying that because you flew, died, talked to hookah-smoking caterpillars, showed up in public naked or walked through walls that you, in real life, can secretly fly, or you’re secretly dead, or that you think you’re likely to see a real hookah-smoking caterpillar, or that you’re secretly a nudist, or that the laws of physics secretly do not apply to you where walls are concerned.

Yay, more reader skeeviness:

That is, like, really not fair. Here I was, trying to be one of your nice non-perverted readers, who enjoys your stories and writing style and worldview, without sending you emails that say, for instance, “Hey hot momma come sit on my face.” (That was for example, I don’t believe I have ever said those string of words all together.)

However, all that went out the window when you cavalierly stated your sexual preference as ‘bisexual.’ Sorry, but that is like one of the hottest things ever. So, you’ve lost a fan, but gained (yet another) crush. Before you know it, you’ll have 2,200 slobbering readers searching [for Popular Blogger] in this city [thanks to] the clues you’ve given out. (And I KNOW someone will figure it out eventually…)

We have the same issue that came up in the first quoted section. The poster thought that the phrase “hey hot momma, come sit on my face” (sic) were worthy of sharing with Popular Blogger and with the general public which might stumble upon her blog. The quick disclaimer that s/he would never actually put “those string of words all together” (sic) is negated because, um, s/he just did.

There’s yet another “bisexuality is so hot” comment (it’s none of your business, and why would bisexuality be “hotter” than homosexuality or hetereosexuality anyway?) and another creepy “I have a crush on you now” comment AND another reference to potential stalkings (by “2,200 slobbering readers”, no less). Cap that off with the mildly threatening “someone WILL figure your identity and workplace out eventually” comment, and, if I were The Barmaid, I’d be buying some Mace and pepper spray.

Popular Blogger attempts to deflate her readership’s prurient fantasies thusly:

Well, see, I think maybe you’ve been watching too much porn. The fact that I’m bisexual means that if you’re a man, I might be attracted to you, and if you’re a woman, I might be attracted to you. It doesn’t mean that if you’re a man, I will seduce you and invite several hot nurses to join us.

Exactly. Thank you.

Does it work? Of course not.

Nice try [her real name], but no dice :-).

Augh, he used her name. Whether or not it’s an assumed name, that’s creepy. It assumes familiarity that is just not there. You: reader. She: blog writer. You are not close friends.

See, it’s not the fact that you would or could invite several hot nurses to the partay (though that would be nice); it’s just that simply imagining you with one (or several) hot nurses is more than enough to put you in the (virtually) scandilously hot department. Hope that clears up our fascination with your extra-curricular activities. 🙂

Bleah! Ew! Learn to spell! And, yuck!

Note to creepy people: please refrain from sharing your fantasies in public. We don’t care. Stop being a groin-centered monkey. Put down the faux-lez porn and step away, slowly. You may watch it again when you can prove you’re not being brainwashed into being an ignorant dickhead.

Another poster makes me think I live on another planet:

“are you bisexual”? hahahaaaaaa!!! I think EVERY woman gets asked this.

They do?

Um, not.

Maybe I instinctively avoid rude people, but I haven’t had anyone I was not dating think it was okay to speculate out loud about or grill me about my bedroom frolics or partners. In fact, even the people I have dated have had enough couth to figure it all out on their own without being nosy enough to ask me so bluntly.

Another (presumably lesbian or bisexual) poster shares:

I work in an environment with mostly men, and once said, “You don’t think that we spend every night in lingerie and having pillowfights, do you?” I’m pretty sure he was serious and disappointed when he asked, “You don’t?” Men are crazyweirdsick men.

*sigh*

This woman earns a virtual cookie:

I think this claim that every woman is bisexual is pretty ridiculous; bi-curious I can accept, but going a step further and laying such a broad generalization like that sounds like wishful thinking. And I’m speaking as a bisexual woman here.

I agree! Wishful thinking indeed.

And isn’t it usually the case that those indulging in such wishful thinking are the very people you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole? It’s like broadcasting to the world that you hold unrealistic, ill-informed and/or incorrect points of view about human sexuality. So not hot.

I think what bugs me most is the concept that someone’s bisexuality is, in some way, a legitimate topic for total strangers to comment upon, fantasize publicly about, and make ignorant comments due to.

When did we stop minding our own business so shamelessly? I mean, really.

It’s one thing when your friends (i.e., people you actually know and talk to on a regular basis and like) ask nosy questions. You can assume that someone who you have befriended is possibly not asking to satisfy some weird kink or fascination, they probably just want to know more about you. Also, if you’re really friends, you will have probably volunteered a lot of personal info already, and your friends are more than likely just asking for clarification because they want to know you better. The closer the friend, the fewer questions you can classify as “none of your business” or “nosy”, though you always have the right not to answer.

The guy at the bus stop, the old lady at the grocery store, the snotty teen boy at the gas station…these are not your friends. They are total strangers and your business is not their business. You owe them nothing but genteel courtesy and a display of good manners.

And, again, the comments that mention stalking (“I’d never do that, but thousands of other people might stalk you“) or unsolicited sexual advances (“I’d never say this, but sit on my face“) were the worst of it. Thank you, Internet! It’s easier than ever for total strangers to be annoying and overly intimate without permission or encouragement! Yay! Do you still feel safe?

The biggest gripe would be the cretins who confidently state sexual untruths as if they were law. Well done, spread that disinformation. We need more confused and ignorant people out there. Good job.

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