Comedian Bill Maher’s “New Rules”:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey, Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I’ve got to know. Because I’m beginning to think the future of medicine isn’t injecting stem cells, it’s injecting heroin.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: If turning on my cell phone can bring down your commercial airliner, build a better plane. Right? I mean, the number of people who carry hand-held electrical devices these days equals the number of people who have hands. To give them all veto power over whether the other passengers live or die seems like a flaw in the system.
New Rule: The head of the CIA should be scary looking.
New Rule: When you marry Charlie Sheen, don’t be surprised when he turns out to be Charlie Sheen! We are talking about a guy who paid hookers by check. Marrying Charlie Sheen and getting mad he’s a freak is like electing two shills from the oil industry and getting mad when the price of gas goes up.
New Rule: No TV until you can hold up your own head. “Sesame Street” has released a new line of videos for kids as young as six months old. Which is a stupid business to get into considering what the competition is. [photo of infant breast-feeding shown]
New Rule: If you work at an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day, and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now, “Cook,” “Defrost” and “Hepatitis.” And if you’re not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
New Rule: Don’t blame illegal immigrants for driving down wages. Blame Congress. Republicans in Congress have to stop saying that the problem with Mexicans coming over the border is they keep wages down. You know what keeps wages down? The fact that Congress hasn’t raised the minimum wage since 1997. 1997, when my dealer still had a beeper! Car dealer, car dealer, what did I say? Yes, news flash: Congress controls what the minimum wage is. Who did you think it was, the valet parking team at Tony Roma’s? And upping the minimum wage would affect wages. It has to. The word “wage” is right in it. Even George Bush could understand that. Maybe not. The point is, the elephant in the room is that no one can live on minimum wage, and that we are making a whole swath of our society – tens of millions of people – live like animals. So that the luckier segment can live with indulgences their parents never dreamed of. Do you know that most upper-middle-class people nowadays never clean their own toilet or do their own laundry…until they go to rehab. Adjusted for inflation, the minimum wage is actually lower than it was in 1968, the year George Bush graduated from Yale. And that is unforgivable! And the wage thing is bad, too. People like to tell themselves that these immigrants do the jobs Americans won’t do. Not true. Americans will pick fruit in the hot sun. But not at $5.15 an hour.
New Rule: Drug companies have to stop making up diseases! I don’t know – I don’t know what the terrorists are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials: breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner and male pattern menopause—I would welcome death. Bring it on! Deadly nerve gas? Please, I’ve got seasonal allergies! I mean, it seems like every time I turn on the TV these days, I see some ad for some drug I never heard of, to treat some disease I never heard of. That’s not a stomach ache you have from eating the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Or I.B.S. Or as I call it, “B.S.” Which would also apply to the dreaded “Social Anxiety Disorder.” Or as we used to call it, “shyness.” And we treated it with an old home recipe: scotch and water. Your wife doesn’t get turned on? Well, it couldn’t be because you’re a snowman-shaped sausage casing–so full of beer you sweat hops. It’s because she has “Female Sexual Dysfunction.” And before they came up with “Restless Leg Syndrome,” did that even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, “Sorry I couldn’t make the party, Bill. The old restless leg was acting up.” You know, next time you have an uncontrollable urge to move your feet, maybe you should just…move your feet! Your feet are trying to tell you the same thing your dog is trying to tell you when he’s been cooped up in the house all day: “I want to go for a walk!” But be careful. Now, just in the last two years, the “medicines” that have made the headlines under the category “Take two and call me in the morning if you’re still alive,” include Vioxx, Ambien, Zyprexa, Ortho Evra, Prempro, Zoloft, Paxil, Ephedra, Celebrex and Fosamax. And yet it was marijuana last week that was declared by the FDA to have no known medical value. Actually, what marijuana has is no known lobbying value. And, yes – yes, back in 1999, when we still believed in science, the National Academy of Science said what millions already knew from practical use, that weed is useful in treating pain, nausea and weight loss. And that lab rats exposed to it were 38% more likely to forget the maze and just kick it old school.
New Rule: Keep Jesus out of strip clubs. A former dancer from Las Vegas has founded “JC’s Girls,” a ministry that brings the healing power of the Lord directly to America’s strip clubs and adult businesses. Do you people have to ruin everything? You’ve got the White House, the Congress, the Supreme Court. Can’t you leave us heathens a couple of titty bars out by the airport? The only good news a guy wants to hear in a strip club is, “Sure you can touch me there.” Or so I’ve heard.
New Rule: If you want to live the American dream, move to Europe. According to a new study, climbing up the economic ladder in this country is much harder than in just about every other wealthy nation. If you’re born poor here, you pretty much stay that way. And fat-cat catering Republicans get poor people to vote for them because they get them to vote their dreams, not their self-interests. That’s why lots of people of modest means are all for getting rid of the estate tax, a tax which affects one percent of us, the richest one percent of us. You know, the ones with estates. A category also familiar by the name, “Not you.” You know, America has a lottery mentality. We think we can party till we’re 40, fail in business after business, and then somehow wind up as president of the United States. Okay, bad example. But our philosophy does come from the lottery. Hey, you never know! Yes, I do. In America, if you’re not born rich, you’ll die tryin’, bitch. Because you’re not going to win the lottery. You’re not going to inherit a fortune from a distant relative. Or marry a prince. Or get that call from Hollywood saying they’re making a movie out of your MySpace page.
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: People who run everything can’t complain that they’re underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called “The War on Christians.” Because nothing quite says “I’m oppressed,” like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel. Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that’s right, they’re 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don’t mind that you’re part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me. Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri’s majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren’t saying, “Gosh, I’d like to go to Missouri, but…it’s too Jewish.” […] The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you’re going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high. And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren’t Christians at all. They’re demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. And Jesus – and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys.
New Rule: This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as a “gateway” candy. Legislators in Georgia are seeking a ban on “pot-flavored” candy, calling it a “gateway” product to other drugs. Okay, now you’re high. And, kids, listen to Uncle Bill: if you’re smoking pot for the taste, you’re doing it wrong.
New Rule: Stop saying you’re resigning because you want to spend more time with your family or because you want to return to the private sector, or because of your health. That’s all just code for “I’m about to be indicted.”
New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you’re just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don’t know if you’re talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You’re not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You’re a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry.
New Rule: Powerball Jackpot winners must stop saying they’re not sure if they’re going to quit their jobs. Of course you’re going to quit your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable ass in the Gucci smock.
New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, “Screw it, we prefer witchcraft,” let’s not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let’s drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.
New Rule: Stop giving free stuff to the Oscar presenters. This year, the Oscar gift bag is worth $110,000! Rich movie stars don’t need that kind of clutter. Between the jewels, the shoes, the iPods and the skis, there’s barely room in Tom Cruise’s closet for Tom!
New Rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I’m going to get letters on that one.
New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the “morning-after” contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, “I really care,” like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
New Rule: Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.