Tim Gunn: Good evening, designers! Previously on Project Runway we had you design outfits out of garbage you dug out of the dumpster behind the Safeway. Mikael won with his brilliant confection made out of moldy Wonder Bread wrappers, plastic meat trays, plastic shopping bags and Pop*Tart wrappers.
Viewers: Yay, Mikael!
Tim: Sadly, Andie failed to appeal to the judges when she wrapped her humungously fat size-2 model in brown paper grocery bags and twist-ties. Everyone knows that size-2 is zaftig and that brown paper adds forty pounds of fat on camera and makes you look like a Shepherd’s Pie. That’s Bad! Auf, auf, bad designer.
Viewers: Good-bye, Andie, we hardly knew ye! It’s an honour just to be accepted to Project Runway! Who is going to be the inoffensive quiet chick on the show now?
Heidi Klum: Hello, designers! There were fifteen of you and now there are seven! I’m the skinniest pregnant lady that ever existed! Check out these boobs, my top is holding on by sheer force of will and defying gravity. Do you trust my taste when I wear things like this? These are caprants, a new length that looks good on no one except supermodels. Much like the bubbleskirts Bobbi keeps inflicting on us week after week.
Mikael: No fucking rosettes. DAYUM!
Viewers: Amen! And No Basket Hats!
Lora: I think Vinnie is totally whack, he’s not mentally stable…
Heidi: This week you will be designing outfits out of meat!
Designers: (o_O ) (>_<) (O_o) (O_O) (x_x) (>_<) ( O_o)
Tim: Welcome to Project Meatway!
Designers are given $140 and a Kroger Valued Shopper card that steals their personal identification in order to send them a hundred crappy coupons every week for stuff they don’t want to buy.
Designers lug back piles of stank meat to the design studios.
Ken sings an aria from the Broadway production of “Sweeney Todd,”
Vinnie attempts to make earrings out of a pair of chicken livers.
Geoff is doing interesting things with USDA stamps and expired hamhocks.
Lora admits she is pregnant with her 19th child.
Helga is braiding some bratwursts.
Tim comes in, is skeptical.
Geoff: *rude surliness* I was hoping we would get to design something out of vegetables this week. These people lack my superior artistic vision. I am an ex-homeless ex-junkie neck tattoo’ed guy! I make meatsuits for the rich and famous. This is beneath me. I will win the show.
Tim: Steak, it’s work.
Vinnie: I love headcheese, it turns me on, I really get off on it.
Tim: Hmm. I just don’t know.
Ken: Too bad Brad got auf’ed, he could make his outfit out of squid. Or eagle. *examines the iridescent gleam on a slice of somewhat elderly ham* Shiny! I love it!
Viewers: We feel compelled to make portmanteau names out of two total stranger’s names constantly, and feel CHEATED that Kenbert, I mean Roben, got AUF’ed!! WAH!!
Tim: I really like this! Good work.
Mikael: They will expect me, a proud black man from The A.T.L., to make an outfit out of fried chicken. I will defy their foolishness! No chicken!
Tim: This concerns me.
Helga: I vould really like a beer to go mit all zis vurst.
Bobbi: I’m thinking that I will put some twirls of turkey loaf along the hem, here. Lots of twirls. Lots and lots. And I will make some fringe out of crablegs. Is crab meat? I think it’s meat. It’s so elegant, just like Audrey Hepburn. Ooh, rack of lamb. Just the thing for my skirt! I love, love, love patchwork, so I’m going back to what I know.
Tim: It may be a bit much.
Lora: *badmouths everyone* Hey, I’m pregnant. Maybe my hormones are making me act like Bad Mommy! Don’t hate me. Hmm, how low cut can I make this A-line dress? Will the roast beef slices look tailored on the Meatway?
Viewers: Yawn, yawn, yawn. What would Santino do? WHERE’S ANDRAE?!
Tim: Okay, designers! Carrion!
Models come in and complain about how they are vegan, then go outside and smoke ten cigarettes and do some coke off the slick patent-leather surface of fave model Minka’s Kate Spade purse.
Heidi: Okay, designers. Six of you will be in, and one of you will be out. Let’s start the show!
Ken’s model parades down the runway in a frock made of ruched deli turkey slices decorated with pepperoni dots.
Judges: We love it! So original!
Ken: And the pepperoni, secretly, is also turkey. In case the model is watching her figure or something.
Judges: You can tell he really put a lot of thought into his design.
Lora’s model appears wearing an A-line confection constructed out of proscuitto and melon.
Judges: So elegant! But you’re in the bottom three. Melon, while a logical accompaniment to proscuitto, is not a meat.
Mikael’s model storms the stage in a smart hotpants outfit constructed entirely out of chitlins, T-bones and a wrap braided out of thin pastrami slices.
Heidi: I’d eat that. And, as we all know, the biggest criteria on this show is “would Heidi eat that?” And I would.
Mikael: I think this outfit channels the spirit of Foxy Brown, who was one badass chick.
Helga’s model slinks down the runway adorned in an empire-waisted frock cleverly constructed out of braided strings of bratwurst and kielbasa.
Judges: That Helga has such a way with patterns.
Tim: The braidwork is really exquisite.
Nina: It’s very well-constructed. I really, really, really care a lot about that.
Bobbi’s model appears wearing a dress made entirely out of rack of lamb. Each little bone has a frilly paper rosette cap attached.
Michael Kors: Tch. The granny circles again.
Heidi: So eccentric. She’s so inconsistent. Every week she makes clothing out of meat with a bubble skirt or rosettes, and we act surprised each and every time.
Geoff’s model scowls down the runway in a dress comprised of two slices of ham strategically placed over each boob and a skirt made entirely out of cooked and uncooked bacon strips.
Nina Garcia: Her tootie is showing, how vulgar.
Heidi: But I like bacon!
Guest Judge: EAT MOR CHIKIN!
Heidi: I totally agree. Moo!
Vinnie’s model levitates down the walkway draped in organ meats all stapled together. Cow tongues function as shoulder straps. Vinnie has also cleverly placed a raw sirloin atop his model’s head.
Nina: I was so distracted by the steak on your model’s head, I could hardly notice how cute your kidney and liver dress was, Vincent!
Heidi: What were you thinking? That’s weird, not cute.
Guest Judge: EAT MOR CHIKIN!
Nina: It’s unanimous, we hate the steak cap.
Heidi: Ken, you win for your madcap outfit with the cute little pepperoni dots. Helga, you almost won again! But…denied. So sorry. You’re in, you can leave the Meatway.
Viewers: Yay, pepperoni! Yay, Ken!
AUFed Robert: I would have made something boring out of salmon.
Viewers: We heart you, Kenbert!
AUFed Mulan: *Brit-esque accent* My mum never made me any meat dishes. *sobs*
Viewers: We heart you, Mulan!
AUFed Betty: Which one was I, again?
Viewers: We heart you, Mulan!
Heidi: Vinnie, there’s a fine line between creative and bizarre. Keep exploring it each week, you’re great for our ratings. You’re in. Geoff, you’re AUF’d. Ham is not a brassiere. You showed a lack of taste.
Geoff: You all suck. I rule. I am the greatest. This was all done in the 1980s anyway. Meat is so passe’ as an art supply.
Ken: I won, I won! I’m as happy as can be!
Viewers: We love Daniel Vosovic. What? What?! We can dream.
Heidi: Next week on Project Runway…another crazy challenge with a kooky theme, unconventional models and materials, a low budget and an unreasonable deadline. Yay woo! Ta-ta!