Things That Lack Grace And Dignity

Certain situations will always look completely silly, no matter what the circumstances may be, and no matter how otherwise cool the people involved might be. Since nearly everyone will have to endure these situations at least once in life, you try to be sympathetic and allow the person involved in the situation to maintain their cool, but sometimes the situation is so funny that the only appropriate response is laughter. Knowing this, we all still attempt to be dignified, and it usually can’t be done.

It’s Hard To Be Cool While:

Walking on Ice. Everyone starts shuffling around like geriatric shuffleboard players in slippers. For maximum hilarity, add proper business attire, a briefcase, an umbrella, a brisk wind, and an overpriced caffeinated beverage. When the inevitable happens (someone walking along clumsily like Frankenstein suddenly butt-plants on the sidewalk), you may be polite enough not to laugh at them immediately, but later on, your colleagues or friends will be asking you, “What the hell is so funny?!” and be annoyed when you can’t explain yourself.

Discovering Toilet Paper On Your Shoe. Oh God. OH GOD. How long has that THING been following you around? Was that there when you were trying to flirt with that person in the coffee shop?!

Eating a Hot Dog. Cue the bow-chicka-wow-wow soundtrack, because that is never going to look sophisticated.

Stalling Your Car In An Intersection. Oh, so humiliating, especially if you manage to do this in the middle of rush hour traffic. Bonus points if everyone behind you starts honking…because honking their horns is definitely going to magically repair your stupid car. Seriously.

Snorting Anything. No matter how cool you are, no matter how much disposable income you have, no matter how fashionable you are, you don’t look good vacuuming white powder into your sinuses. You may think you look incredibly hip and daring, but in real life you’re just a dork snorting powder through a straw jammed up his nose. Bonus points if you’re dumb enough to try and turn your leftovers into crack. I’ve seen it. It’s the most unsexy thing in the world.

Missing a Step. Don’t you hate that? You either fall down or clack your teeth together like a marionette. Wow, that’s no fun.

Owning a Phil Collins Record. There’s no social recovery possible from this faux pas. Maybe you can pretend it belonged to the roommate who moved out last month. Yeah, that’s the ticket. It was Morgan Fairchild’s.

Queefing. Fart-like noises are mortifying enough when they come out of the appropriate orifice. Certain personal areas are just not supposed to make that sound. But sometimes they do.

Sleeping In A Moving Vehicle. All the fun of bedhead and dry mouth without the bed. It’s fun when you come to and discover that your mouth has been open for miles and miles. And you have drooled. And, judging from the annoyeed glances being aimed your way, you know you were probably snoring, too. Don’t add to the embarrassment by pretending you were teleported there against your will and had nothing to do with the situation by asking the usual questions…”What happened? Where am I? How long was I asleep?” Long enough.

Recovering A Contact Lens. Where did it go? Is it on the floor? Is it stuck to your clothes? Did you fling it across the room? Is it hiding somewhere down your shirt, inside your brasseire? Hurry, hurry, it’s drying out and getting more and more germy! WHERE IS IT? Time to crawl around on your hands and knees and pray it didn’t land in the toilet. Because if it did, there’s no way it’s going back in your eye. Ever. FUCK! Stupid contact lens!! Where IS i…oh, great. It’s hitched a ride on a strand of hair. Ugh.

Getting To Your Seat At A Movie, Concert, or Sporting Event. Choices: do you display your butt or your crotch to total strangers? How many will you step on? Is this even the right row? Gah.

Unexpected Nausea. Pretty self explanatory, I think.

Dressing Up As The Easter Bunny. Maybe this one is just my personal experience. It’s humiliating. For now, that will suffice.

Setting Off The Smoke Alarm. Whether you were smoking where you shouldn’t smoke, or whether you’re a really crappy cook, this one always gets everyone really excited for about five minutes. And then you’re the goat. No one likes the smoke alarm when there isn’t really a fire.

Forgetting Someone’s Name. You can compound the error if the person you have forgotten is someone you have dated and / or with whom you have had sex. Groo.

Getting Caught Naked. There’s a reason this is one of the most anxiety-provoking dreams your subconscious with which can taunt you. In real life, time stops when you are caught naked. It doesn’t matter if you are alone or not alone. The person or people who caught you naked will stare. You will cringe. They (after about six or seven years) will eventually leave. You may or may not ever have the humiliating conversation about it later. MUCH later.

Locking Yourself Out Of The House (Or Car). There’s just no way to look cool and hep while hanging out on your own front stoop looking clueless. As an added bonus, if you manage to lock yourself out of your car these days, what with all the built-in bells and whistles that make it extremelydifficult to do, you will have to endure the mockery of a man who gets paid four or five times what you make an hour to unlock locks that the stupid have managed to lock. I hope this never happens to me.

Your Dog Humps Someone’s Leg. This is even more excruciating if you’re trying to, you know, impress them and ask them out on a date. Not only are they unlikely to remember you fondly, your dog just got far more action than you would probably have gotten. This is one reason why I do not own a dog.

There’s No Toilet Paper In The Public Restroom Stall. Oh god. Now what? Hope you aren’t in a hurry or anything. Should you risk The Duck Walk into the next stall? Should you wait and try to entice a total stranger into handing you some bumwipe?

You Accidentally Tucked Your Skirt Into Your Underwear Or Pantyhose. Charming. No one will ever forget you.

You Splash Water On Your Crotch While Washing Your Hands. This is never an attractive look. Women can laugh it off a little more easily than men can…but not by much.

Food On Your Face. I’ve known a few people who seem to have no nerve endings near their mouths. Scraps of food migrate away from the mouth and end up perching proudly on chins, cheeks, lips, you name it. No one looks pretty with a ramen noodle dangling off their nose.

Emotional Breakdowns In Public. People still insist on breaking up with their significant others in public. Are they stupid or cruel? There’s going to be sobbing and maybe shouting and perhaps even some pathetic begging. For the love of all that’s holy and good, remember that you once cared about the person you are dumping and do it in private. Have some compassion.

Being Forced To Evaluate The Quality Of Total Strangers’ Undergarment Choices. Please don’t wear that thong-tha-thong-thong-thong. Not with those enormous, baggy, low-rise hip-hugging pants. It’s too much information.

You know who else lacks Grace? Zed. ‘Cause Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.


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