I Hate Shrink-Wrapped Packaging!

I’m getting really annoyed with all the bomb-proof packaging I’m having to deal with lately. I mean, it’s getting ridiculous.

Item: Hunt’s Snak-Pak pudding. At a buck for four pudd-let containers, that’s a deal. And, as a bonus, since the pull-tabs have been soldered on so firmly, I burn off all the calories I am about to consume trying to actually remove the lid before the pudding reverts to room temperature and becomes unpalatable. I’ve had to use a butcher knife to open the damned things. The new kind,with the tasteless cookie ‘utensils’ included in the packaging? Not even teeth were sufficient to remove the wrapper without reducing the cookie within to dust first.

Item: Kroger brand shredded Mozzarella cheese. I had to burrow through FOUR LAYERS to get to the cheesy goodness within. First there’s the store sticker to (I presume) prevent theft. Because there’s a thriving underground market for boosted packages of shredded mozzarella cheese out there. Then you have to attempt to tear open one end of the packaging (get the scissors), then open the zip-loc slidey seal thing, and at this point you’d be forgiven for thinking cheese was within your grasp, but no. You have to figure out how to cut your way through some strapping tape within, and if you do it wrong, it defeats the entire purpose of having a zip-loc seal, as you’ll puncture the side of the bag and let all that bad, spoilage-inducing fresh air in to mank up your cheese.

Item: Krazy Glue. Thanks for including the little thumbtack device to poke a hole in the glue container nozzle. No thanks for making the pin part too short to be functional. Also, you owe me a new manicure, as the glue didn’t come out and didn’t come out and didn’t come out and then…it did come out. Lots of it. Everywhere.

Item: AA batteries. Making customers chew through two layers of plastic to get at the damned batteries is not a major selling point. Just so you know. You owe me some new teeth.

Item: Shampoo. I wonder how many people are attempting to wash their hair in the drugstore aisles, because it wasn’t enough for you to shrink-wrap the entire bottle in a plastic carapace, there was a hidden barrier in place that required me to pry off the way-too-firmly-sealed cap off and then pry up a cardboard disk thing you welded over the mouth of the bottle under the cap. Doing this while actually in the shower with soapy hands was super fun.

Item: Socks. How many T-bar fasteners are required to keep three pairs of $2.99 cheap white socks together? According to you, only seven will do. Plus the cardboard backs, and the sticky paper wrapper bundling the socks, plus the plastic bag the whole mess of socks were stuffed into.

Item: Bag o’ Razors. How refreshingly easy it was to open the bag o’ razors! How incredibly difficult it was to remove the protective strip covering the razor blades without destroying my nail polish and cutting my fingertips. Fine, I’ll just go around with hairy pits. Bastards.

Item: Toothpaste. The same people who thought it was a swell idea to quadruple-package shampoo have infiltrated my fave brands of toothpaste. Again, is there some big problem with people attempting to eat the product in the store that encourages manufacturers to make it incredibly difficult to actually get enough dentifrice out of the tube so you can brush your teeth?

Item: Minute Maid juices. Remember those handy comments on the milk carton flaps that said “open other end”? Minute Maid is trying to spare you that horror. God forbid you open the wrong end of the carton. Now there’s a leaky spout stuck in the cartons. If you’re the impatient type and want a better flow than a mere leak, then you must unscrew the lid and pry up the juice-carton-diaphragm. Or whatever that thing is. If the juice cartons didn’t actually leak before they were opened, I might be impressed with this packaging.

Item: $2.99 headphones. SO many layers of plastic and cardboard and plastic baggies and twist-ties and bubble-pack and blister card and blah blah blah. Ten minutes, just to open up a $2.99 pair of cheap headphones. Note that there were also TWO theft sensors. Another hot black market item…the crappy headphones?

All of this protective packaging makes me wonder why I still have to spend twenty minutes in the Kroger trying to find a package of eggs that aren’t cracked all to hell. Instead of hermetically sealing a squishy bag of cheese, how about some hard plastic egg protectors? I bet L’eggs would sell off all those old pantyhose eggs that the environmentally-conscious nagged them into discontinuing. (When I was small, the Easter bunny at my house favored cadet blue, black, grey, emerald green, white, and shiny gold mega-sized eggs. Waste not, want not!)

Everything takes so damn long to open! Most of my mouthwashes and medicines and so forth have child-resistant (ha!) caps. Every headache I have is exacerbated by fighting with the ibuprofin tablets’ bottle. So easy, a toddler can open them in two seconds. Too bad I’m not still a toddler.

The queen of bad packaging has to be Barbie doll. It’s a child’s toy that requires a very patient adult with a knife and a lot of spare time to release Barbie from box bondage. I don’t miss that.

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