I’ve been a long-winded such-and-such lately, so here’s the Kitten Break equivalent of a pause in my journal: Something Awful member Flannel Bob’s Epic Bee War. This link has scads of big pictures. If you don’t think the pictures are worth the downloading time, though they probably are, I’ve included text descriptions.
Posted by Something Awful forum member “Flannel Blob” on 2 February, 2004: “Oh dear lord! Bees!”
“I am visiting my family in Florida for the holidays. I was chillin’ at my sister’s house when we looked out back and noticed a swarm of honeybees congregating on their swingset. There are a lot of kids around, including my sister’s 3 kids. They were inside at the time, fortunately.”
(image: a cloud of hundreds of bees flying hither and yon, converging upon a swingset)
(image: a poo poo [the Something Awful word filter substitution for “shit”] load of bees clinging to a swingset crossbar)
“A few minutes later they had calmed down. We were guessing they were disturbed from their hive and decided to come here, or something.”
(image: stucco exterior wall of house with one or two bees emerging from a tiny hole.)
“This is where the bees were coming from. A hole in the house behind my sister’s place. We told the landlady about it and she didn’t seem to care or want to be bothered that she was renting a house to people that had loving [SA-speak for “fucking”] BEES living inside it.”
(image: close-up of ball o’ beez)
“The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn’t come out unless we paid a hefty fee, but he did recommend waiting until dark and go buy some stuff from Home Depot and squirt them with it and that should kill them off.”
(image: more bees than you have ever seen in your life)
“Well that plan was OK except for 2 things. 1 was that my sister’s husband is crazy. The 2nd thing is we didn’t want to wait that long nor spend any money. So we did the next best thing. Started loving with the bees.”
(image: ball hitting Million Bee March and scattering it)
“My bro in law chucks a tennis ball at the clump of bees, that was the size of a basketball. He knocked off a fist sized clump of bees, which eventually just flew back up into the main clump.”
(image: bees in a puddle on the ground, looking perplexed, gathering their bee thoughts)
“That was pretty boring, so we decide to try something a little bigger….”
(image: redneck brother-in-law proudly brandishing what looks like a bumper. something we all habve just lying around at our houses)
“Yeah, a 40lb trailer hitch for a Dodge Caravan.”
(image: brother in law chucking hitch in the general vicinity of the bees)
(image: hitch making contact, bees forcibly evicted from bar, falling in one solid mass)
“CLANG! We have bees in freefall! Did I mention he is severely allergic to bees?”
(image: the first of many snapshots that show the brother in law fleeing for his life in the background and angry insects in the foreground)
(image: yep, it’s a pile o’ beez, all right.)
“Pile O Bees”
(image: beez regain foothold on innocent playground equipment)
“The bees dust themselves off, and resume taking over the swingset. Every single one pretty much flew back up into a ball of bee death.”
(image: yipes! more beez!)
“At this point it was clear these little assholes weren’t getting the message. Their arrival in my sister’s property was an act of aggression, and we weren’t going to stand for it. So it was time for some redneck engineering:
(image: Rube Goldberg-esque contraption and brother in law proudly holding attached rope leash)
“Bee incinerator contraption:
– 30 feet of rope
– 1 large fire pit
– 1 science project board
– miscellaneous rags and a bedsheet
(image: brother in law or pyro accomplice pouring petrol into metal grill-thing)
“Fill ‘er up! Slide the incinerator under the bees and….”
(image: fire! firefirefire!)
“OH THE BEEMANITY”
(image: beez. dead beez. their ded is not pastede on yey, they r rilly rilly ded zomg)
(image: survivor beez plotting bee revenge)
“Amazingly some bees still survived the first wave. What should we do next?”
(image: enter the can man. *Metallica riffs here*)
“The next ingredient is 1.5 quarts of PAINT THINNER”
(image: Fire!! FireFireFire!!)
(image: bee corpses littering yard, cancerous gouts of smoke)
“12/23/2003 NEVER FORGET”
(image: beez singing Gloria Gaynor’s greatest hit)
“THERE WERE STILL MORE BEES ON THE SWINGSET. CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS. 2 QUARTS OF 87 OCTANE GASOLINE REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR!”
(image: FIRE!!! FIRE!FIRE!!FIRE!!! huge mushroom cloud of flame and black smoke)
“OH DEAR LORD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL. I AM SO PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN RIGHT NOW.”
(image: close up of what’s left of Rube Goldberg device and charred bee remains)
“Tonight we are having Roast Bee.”
(image: *playing “Taps”* Bee Genocide)
(image: bee-free backyard, human soldiers with no remaining facial hair, melted lawn and swingset bits)
“Number of allied casualties (er, stings): 0
Number of bees killed: est. 10,000
Number of bee survivors: about 25 or so”
(image: fire…and bees)
“When I close my eyes, I see fire…and bees.”
“What camera did you use?”
“It’s a Canon Digital Rebel XT and I was using a 28-135IS lens. In daylight it is easy to use a fast shutter speed to freeze the action like that.
We did call around about how to remove bees and the only advice we got was deal with it yourself unless we wanted to pay a huge premium for having them come out on a holiday weekend. Nobody said anything about getting a beekeeper. In hindsight that would be been a good idea, albeit pretty boring.
This was a chance for him and I to relive some of our childhood shenanigans. We grew up on the same street, and fire was a regular part of our lives back then.
The hole is in the rental property behind the swingset. We don’t know if they did something to cause the hive to evacuate or if it was part of the hive breaking off to start anew.
There were no bees in sight at dusk. Mission Accomplished! Thanks and glad so many can appreciate what we did today. It was fun. despite inhaling all the strange fumes.”
(image: large clump of beez prior to Bee Holocaust of 2003)
“A little more detail. Thanks for the comments guys.”
(image: close-up of beez so fine that you can see every wing vein and body hair of each bee)
I am just learning how to use this camera and post-process in CS2. Jesus. I had no idea I could get this kind of detail.
“I feel kinda bad for the little fuckers now. Oh well, they made their fatal mistake when they went into my bro-in-law’s back yard. There was no way they could coexist in a neighborhood full of kids. Like I said, the beekeeper would have been an option, but not on a holiday weekend.”
Something Awful is a pay-for-play site, but you can see this and at least one of the five pages in the thread for free. Some of the commentary is as funny as the original post. Comments preceded by “image” and in parentheses are mine, all the rest is the wit of Flannel Blob.
I do not condone or support the wholesale destruction of our friends the honeybees. Should you find that you have a bee-related emergency situation at your home, do not break out the Napalm. Call your local beekeeper! Fast (and probably free, as bee colonies are pricey) removal, and the ball o’ beez can be relocated to a hive far, far away from you, where they’ll make a new home and get crackin’ on manufacturing you some delicious honey. Yay for honey!
Plotting the death of Huge Scary Evil Black Wasps Of Doom are another matter. Death to all bastard wasps invading my home. Death, I say. Fire was seriously considered as a lethal and permanent deterrent. In the end, it was the entire contents of a lowly can of Aqua*Net, found rusting away in the back of my grandmother’s bathroom cabinet, that sent the wasp to wasp heaven.
P.S. “OH THE BEEMANITY” cracks me up every single time. Classic.