How To Buy My Affections And Attention
Normally I am not corruptible, but if you ever want to try, here are five good ways to win gold stars from me:
1. Packs of Sampoerna Classics clove cigarettes. The freaking things used to cost a mint. People who give me packs of cloves earn lots of vodka and affection. My old roomie used to bribe me with Sampoernas before Philip Morris bought them out and made them impossible to find outside of Indonesia. I think she earned, like, at least six gold stars, though. Then they stopped making Classics, and I had ro settle for Sampoerna Mild A’s. Then Customs impounded the last bunch I ordered, so I am pretty much out of luck and having to settle for Djarum Bali Hais.
2. Hot crinkle-cut French fries. I think they have crack in them. They are so evil but every so often I get major cravings. No one ever thinks to bribe me with these. You guys are missing a cheap opportunity here.
3. White Russians. Especially frozen ones. I have been known to sing for White Russians. Sometimes I tell jokes or funny stories and actually remember the punch lines. Sometimes I dance around like a monkey on crack in high heels. Then again, sometimes I just fall asleep on a couch backstage. But all in all, a good investment if you value random entertainment.
4. Ferret treats. If you compliment someone’s ugly baby, they love you forever. Right? If you give my stinky weasel yummy treats and make him happy, then I, being naturally biased towards my fanged furbaby, will love you for that. Unfortunately, the only treats he likes are expensive star-shaped Chew-Weasel things.
5. Chocolate-covered espresso beans. I may not sleep for two days, but I will be a very happy caffed-up little camper. It’s like giving Beavis sugar. Fun for the whole family!
Hmm. Large sums of money also work. But no one but family members ever bribe me with money. What’s up with that? Show me the moolah.
I have had an extremely large Black Russian. Going to go lie down now. Murr. Bed good.