So there’s a friend who is due to bring forth new life into this world within a week or two, we already know it will be a miniature woman-in-training (i.e., a girl child), and I’ve done my fair share of thinking about What To Get The Baby. This, translated, means What To Give The Parents, because The Baby is going to be lolling about like a bologna loaf (with perpetually leaky holes in it) for at least a few months after leaving the soft, warm, pink, slooshy place. The Baby is unlikely to be happy about these new developments, and even less unlikely to be able to clearly articulate her needs until she turns, say, seventeen or eighteen years old, so your task is to make the new parents’ jobs less onerous so they can focus on the ickle toesies, and being confused over totally contradictory advice from the experts who write Baby Care books, and playing the “From Which Side Of The Family Did The Baby Inherit That Nose?” game during the two or fewer hours they will have to themselves each day for the next six years.
Rule Number One of the New Parents Club is that you don’t talk about The New Parents Club.
Rule Number Two of the New Parents Club is that you don’t talk about The New Parents Club, except when around barren singleton relatives. (You should then strive to make baby care sound like it is all sweetness and light, because if we don’t ALL keep reproducing, the human race will, like, totally die off! And that would, like, TOTALLY suck.)
Rule Number Three probably has something to do with taking videos and pictures of The Baby every five minutes, but I forget. (At any rate, it only applies the first child. The second and subsequent Babies can just suck it, because they are clearly not loved as much as The Number One Babybun.)
So, yeah, your friends are having A Baby. You do not, conversely, have (or want) A Baby. What on earth should you, the Childfree person, purchase for The Baby to welcome it to planet Earth? Bear in mind that The Baby won’t give a crap, whatever you do. Or, more accurately, The Baby will be entirely too busy frequently giving the gift of varied forms of crap to have the time to write Thank You notes, so what on Earth should you give the parents?
Here’s A Handy “What To Give The Baby” Guide.
What To Give The Baby (if you DO like the parents):
1. A trust fund
2. The World’s Largest Washer And Dryer
3. Schoolhouse Rock CDs
4. Four billion diapers
5. Crack-flavored pacifiers
6. Baby jail Playpen
7. Cashmere designer onesies
8. Silver spoon
9. Buttload of Wet Wipes (no pun intended)
10. Bling-bling Pimpin’ Ultra-Fly Phat Dope Car Seat
11. No-name Teddy Bear (and three identical replacements)
12. Collapsible stroller that actually collapses when you want it to and doesn’t collapse when baby is in it
13. 100% cotton receiving blankets
14. Extra grandparents
15. Maximum security Baby gate
16. Wee booties that will fit The Baby for an entire week before being outgrown
17. Bell collar
18. High-tech surveillance devices (listen to Baby breathing at night! Listen to your neighbors’ mobile phone conversations during the day!)
19. Zweiback (whatever the hell that is*)
20. Dr. Seuss books and Little Golden Books
21. Plug covers
23. Ella Fitzgerald singing nursery rhymes
24. Night light
25. Rocking chair
What To Give The Baby (if you do NOT like the parents):
1. A drum kit
2. A tattoo (Born To Raise Hell! Biker Babe! Gangsta! Porn star!)
3. A chemistry set
4. A carton of Kools (see: What To Give The Trailer Trash Neighbor)
5. Barney. Anything whatsoever having anything at all to do with Barney.
6. Happy Fun Ball
8. An STD
9. Bumwine or WINE CUBE
10. Circular saw
11. Days of the Week thongs
12. Lead paint
13. Toy hammer with bench and pegs
15. Teletubbies videos
17. Litter box
19. Nipple piercing
21. Alarm clock
22. Bicycle horn
23. Vat of tapioca puddling
24. Kerosene space heater
25. Crystal meth
Hope this helps!
ETA: One Of My Online Palz weighed in via IM.
R: I was going to blog about cat macros, but I think I might need to vent about marking instead.
R: “You will be surprised to learn that AA Milne also wrote poetry.”
R: Well, since I set some of his poems for you to read, that would be another NO
Me: I blogged about baby gifts
*R goes to read*
Me: I sent $$$ of gifts, and my etiquette-obsessed friend has yet to acknowledge receipt of same
Me: But they were all on the approved list.
Me: No grenades.
R: I like the list for if you don’t like the parents.
Me: That one was easier to write
R: Your pro list lacks some things.
R: Lamaze toys.
R: No, it is a brand.
R: They have really good stuffs.
Me: You stuff it up your noo-noo so the baby is born with something to do?
And therefore I learned something new!
In other news, I also learn that catandgirl.com already touched on this subject. Oh well.
* Please don’t write in to define “zweiback” for me. It’s a sweet, hard cracker. Kind of. They’re actually pretty tasty, if you can get to one before The Baby has drooled all over it.