Every Law And Order: SVU Episode Ever

Q: Did you see that Law and Order: SVU re-run episode last night? The one about that guy who did that thing, and Elliott Stabler slammed all around the interrogation room…

A: Yes! Because I see that episode every night I watch an episode of Law and Order: SVU!

Oh, wait…it’s because he DOES THAT on every single (different) episode of SVU. How confusing. 🙂

Using the Stabler DEFCON System is awesome, though.

Stabler 5: Mildly constipated from excess coffee consumption, but otherwise merely Very Srs Detective Man. Status quo.

Stabler 4: Witness is being a smart mouth and not cooperating. Stabler: Forehead vein begins to throb. Tread lightly.

Stabler 3: 
Victim was raped up the butt, which is the worst thing the episode writers can imagine happening to anyone ever, because it’s pretty bad. At any rate, all detectives agree: “That’s just not right.” Stabler: Both forehead veins start throbbing in 2/4 time, MAJOR FRUNZ!! Exercise caution.

Stabler 2: Victim was raped up the butt and tossed in a dumpster with a SUDOKU puzzle taped on his/her forehead. Detectives must solve stupid puzzle before finding Teh Ebul Bumraper! Forehead veins do the conga with neck veins. Eyes try to fling themselves out of sockets from pent up ANGSTY RAGE!! A coffee cup may suffer an untimely fate. There will be door slamming, wall-pounding and INTENSE DRAMATIC CLOSEUPS of blood vessels exploding in his eyes. Duck and cover!

Stabler 1: The victim was a child, who was buttraped with a tree-branch, cubed and served in a broth with a nice chianti, there’s a goddamned rebus puzzle and some hide’n’seek, bits of victim are found in mailboxes all over Manhattan with bad poetry written in poo attached, witnesses are being smartasses, Stabler’s tie is on too tight, his shoes hurt, his wife and kids haven’t seen him for a week, and it is suspected that the bumraper has done the same thing before. OH NOEZ! Chairs are thrown through sugar-glass windows, there will be shouting, gun-waving, forehead vein throbbing, squinty eyes of RAGE, then Stabler’s head will ASPLODE into a shower of pink confetti all over interrogation room. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!


Of course, I find it amusing that the most volatile character was named STABLE-r, because he’s, well, not so much.


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