The Problem With Anti-Piracy Laws

When looking at laws, you have to ask who, if anyone, is hurt, and what degree of hurt, if any, has been inflicted? What purpose is the law trying to serve? Does the law exist because of rare or non-existent “worst case scenarios” that the law is intended to prevent? In most cases, laws are broken when actual crimes have been committed. Some laws, however, presume that laws WILL be broken, try to supply reasons for why they will be broken, and then chase down supposed scofflaws with those assumptions in mind.

During the 1970s, you could not buy many record albums without an annoying “do not tape and share this music, or you will kill the record industry and then there’ll be no more music, ever!” advert. Of course, home-taping became more and more popular, and, surprise!, sharing music actually benefited the record companies, because it exposed new people to new bands’ work, and then they went out and bought the bands’ albums themselves.

The same argument is being tried today, and the record companies are making several foolish choices and refusing to learn from past history. Home-burning and home-recording will never stop, because people want to manage their own music the way they see fit. Attacking twelve-year-olds with massive shared libraries, pricing five cents’ worth of materials at $20 US, scamming artists out of profits due to them, and generally being blind to the realities that new technology has wrought is what will kill the record industry, not fans sharing songs.

Vulture-like media companies like Clear Channel trying to buy every independent radio station and enforce a single universal playlist aimed to please the Lowest Common Denominator in every major city in the United States is part of the problem, too.

Video game manufacturers are often just as bad: blind to customer dissatisfaction, including invasive anti-piracy programs that don’t work as intended and actually cause damage to user’s machines, turning out crappy product to turn a quick buck and being arrogant enough to assume that customers are too addicted to their product to ever stop buying it…that will kill the game industry. Or, rather, it will kill the industry where PC-based gaming is concerned. Sadly, the biggest companies will continue to thrive, because they have enough money to weather several titles bombing commercially after being released, while smaller companies won’t be able to weather any dissatisfaction with a product, and will be bought up or die out.

Anti-piracy laws do not protect the little guy, the consumer. They protect large companies, and do so to the degree that those large companies feel less behooved to actually offer quality product. Case in point: You open the package, you’re stuck with contents. Too bad for you. They won’t offer demos, because they gamble that more people will buy a crap product without a demo and be stuck with it than those who would buy a good product that they have gone to the time and expense of making a demo for. Their marketing is designed to separate the customers from their money, not to gauge satisfaction or loyalty among their customer base.

Good products will succeed despite piracy. As it stands, bad products sell more than they should, and the customer is left with no recourse. Piracy exposes bad products and word of mouth kills sales. Piracy thwarts substandard product-flacking, it doesn’t actually significantly hurt a good company with a good product.

Information wants to be free. Trying to command the ocean to stop wetting you with waves and to stay where you tell it to stay is as futile as fighting piracy. The wise course of action companies could take would be to explore why people pirate, and to offer products that can’t be pirated: good customer service, releasing well-tested games that do not ship in a borked state and which need umpteen patches, bonus items, attractive packaging and support materials and manuals, good perks (not useless crap) in exchange for legal serial numbers, tech support, not invading customer privacy for marketing and advertising purposes, and listening to customer complaints and ideas open-mindedly and actually putting feedback gained into practice. Most of those things can’t be pirated, and yet they are almost as valuable as the data. Instead of focusing on the small percentage of their customers who have not legally paid for their pixels and bytes and trying to be punitive, as there will always be a segment of this group who will never change their ways and pay for things, they should focus on the vast majority of customers who do pay for legal copies, and reward them.

What EA (for example) and other companies do is arrogantly assume that everyone who buys the game is a pirate. They foist invasive software upon their customers that, again, DOES NOT WORK AS INTENDED, to prevent sharing. They put out substandard product that does not entice customers to buy it legally, because it is overpriced and contains no benefit for paying customers besides a pretty package (full of adverts for more crap products!) and is likely to break something or need a patch or not play nicely with other software the customer owns.

Companies with good reputations and consistently good and functional products who reward customers who purchase their products legally, rather than chasing down the few that don’t, have the right idea.  Companies with increasingly poor reputations who turn out consistently buggy software and whine about pirates pretty much get what they deserve. No tears from me.

I typically do not pirate anything. I made an exception after I bought a very expensive (almost a thousand dollars) software package from Adobe. Twice. For two different OSes. Geek Squad zorched my serials for my legally-purchased software and refused to fix the problem. Adobe claimed not to have my customer data. At that point, I was not going to pay them a third time. As I already paid them twice, I consider the pirated version I have now completely legal twice over. The company got my money. Twice. I legally registered both copies. I installed the required updates on schedule. Yet, somehow, they had no record of my existence. Without that record, I was just scr00d. Without a pirated copy, I’d be in deep shit professionally and academically, and it would not have been my fault. Furthermore, Adobe treated me so shittily when I was trying to resolve the problem I almost–but not quite–decided to stand in the middle of the largest classroom building and wave around the burned DVD and offer free Adobe goodies to all comers. Motherf…scratchers. You shouldn’t piss customers off.

I understand why people who have been burned by EA and SecuROM are sharing pirated versions. I understand it all too well. At some point, you get tired of playing against an 800-pound gorilla who also has a stacked deck and Doberman lawyers. You, as the consumer, will only take sand being kicked in your face for so long.

You cannot legislate morality. If it could be done, we’d all be saints just because some law told us to be. You have to look at what the law is intended to accomplish, and decide if it is a dumb law. If it is a dumb law, work to get it changed, and work to get laws in place that protect the rights of those the dumb law has invaded and disregarded.

In all cases, people will do as their consciences dictate. If it pinches your conscience to download, for whatever reason, don’t do it. But don’t presume to offload your moral guidelines onto other people and expect that to go over well. “Because it’s moral” is not sufficient reason to follow a law that is fundamentally flawed, protecting the wrong parties, and short-sighted.

Businesses require customers to survive.

Customers want products that function as advertised.

Products which cannot be demonstrated by customers prior to purchase, or returned if they do not function as advertised, do not give customers what they want.

Customers who have been burned by a product sold by a particular business are likely to shop elsewhere.

The end result is that the business ends up lacking customers.

If customers find a way to try products before buying them, they can make the decision whether to purchase the business’ products.

Some customers will be honorable and buy a legal copy. Some will not.

The end result, however, is that the business is not out anything, not even good will, if the customer tries but does not buy a product. It’s data, pixels.

On the other hand, if the customer does like the product, they are more likely to buy it and/or more products from the business in the future.

As has been stated before, companies who release demo versions are smart. They allow a customer to try before she or he buys.

Smart companies do NOT force customers to risk wasting their money, installing unadvertised “bonus” programs on their expensive machines, or finding out that although their PC specs match or exceed those required by the company, the game still does not function as advertised.

There will always be those who, due to financial difficulty or greed, will torrent everything and pay for nothing. However, there are also a lot of people who torrent because they do not have the option to try a demo version and have been bitten in the arse one time too many by a particular company or type of company (PC game manufacturers, perhaps) to risk throwing more money at them for what is likely to be a borked product.

In some cases, the consumer can argue Fair Use. DJs who download MP3 tracks for their radio shows are using those downloads for legal, promotional purposes. There’s a reason why most of the music-sharing folks who have been sued were those who also uploaded frequently and kept open libraries online full of gankable stuff. Unless they are uploading tracks to a music blog, which is also a type of Fair Use / promotion, there’s not really a good reason to upload tracks.

It’s a hotly contested grey area, obviously.

Strange Things That Interest Me

abnormal psychology

I’m not sure why I am fascinated by folks whose brains don’t function within the realm of what psychologists would call “normal,” unless it’s a concern I might be one of their number. As Wikipedia puts it, “Abnormal psychology is the scientific study of abnormal behavior in order to describe, predict, explain, and change abnormal patterns of functioning. Abnormal psychology in clinical psychology studies the nature of psychopathology, its causes, and its treatments. Of course, the definition of what constitutes ‘abnormal’ has varied across time and across cultures.”

I don’t understand, intellectually, what would motivate people to do things like become serial killers or con-men. I don’t understand a lot about abnormal psych, but I find it fascinating. What makes these people tick? How do you spot a sociopath? How do you deal with a narcissicist? What is OCD? Why otherwise would I read stuff by Freud, Jung, Maslow, et al, if I didn’t have to? I read a mess of True Crime books and used to watch Monk, too.

alternate universes

Once again, Wikipedia helps me nutshell it so I don’t rabbit on for yonks. “Alternate universes are known, collectively, as a multiverse. A multiverse (or meta-universe) is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes (including our universe) that together comprise all of physical reality. The different universes within a multiverse are sometimes called parallel universes. The structure of the multiverse, the nature of each universe within it and the relationship between the various constituent universes, depend on the specific multiverse hypothesis considered.

Multiverses have been hypothesized in cosmologyphysicsphilosophytheology, and fiction, particularly in science fiction and fantasy. The specific term “multiverse,” which was coined by William James, was popularized by science fiction author Michael Moorcock. In these contexts, parallel universes are also called “alternate universes,” “quantum universes,” “parallel worlds,” “alternate realities,” “alternate timelines,” etc.

The possibility of many universes raises various scientific, philosophical, and theological questions.”

Imagine, if you will, that every action or inaction you choose branches off into infinite directions, each defined by an alternate choice you could have taken. It’s a popular conceit in sci-fi and fiction, be it Dr Who or Star Trek or fantasy universes or even dark alternate futures. Any time you read a short story like Ray Bradbury’s “The Sound Of Thunder” or a sci-fi show that asks what would happen if you had the chance to go back and assassinate Hitler before World War Two, you are thinking about alternate universes, the what ifs that might have happened in this particular personal reality. (Getting into what is real and what defines existing and whether perception can be trusted would take a novel to type out and digressions into philosophy, so suffice it to say I know that opens a can of worms right there.)

Maybe in an alternate universe, my döppelganger has made nothing but right choices in life. It could be possible.

enjoying aunt-hood not motherhood

This is not intended to disparage anyone who is a parent and happy about it. Kids are neat and all. I have just never had an urge to procreate. Occasionally I used to think about who I’d leave my nifty stuff to, but now that I have nieces, I am assuming they’ll enjoy some of my cool stuff when they are old enough to figure out who I am and that I even have some cool stuff.

I didn’t like baby dolls. I am not particularly interested in infants. I babysat on and off for more than 18 years and put in my time, I suppose. Kids like me. I like most kids. Never once have I thought that I wished some nice kid was MY kid. I don’t pine to be pregnant. I don’t feel like I am going to be missing out on anything if I choose not to spawn.

Being an auntie is nice. You get to spoil the little ones and then give them back. No worrying about braces or bad habits or bad behavior. No whining or being asked “Why?” four million times. No jam on the ceiling. No diaper rash. No lack of sleep for three years straight.

Kids are cool, but I don’t want one. Borrowing one once in a while is all I need.

tarot

I’ve been reading tarot since I was eleven years old. I have almost 130 tarot (or tarot-like) decks. It may be total woo, but I’ve apparently given good readings more often than not. Of course, I haven’t read any tarot cards in about 12 years, but the tarot decks don’t have to be used to be interesting. Tarot card art is often beautiful.

Years ago I spent a couple of months on AIM or IRC, can’t recall which, and offered, in my profile, to read tarot for anyone for free, but they were not to tell me anything but their screenname: no gender, no age, no question, no location, nothing. They just were to send me a message saying that they wanted a reading, and to either think of a question or prepare for a general reading, but not to tell me what the question was.

I read for about 100 people and supposedly hit the nail on the head 99 times, getting the general topic of the question correct and hitting details that had resonance with the querents. The oddball was asking if she should ditch her husband to run off and have an affair with another married man that she’d met while they were both dropping their kids off at some daycare. This information came out after “the cards” said “No, no, a thousand times no, bad idea, whatever is on your mind, don’t do it” about ten different ways. She was not happy with not being given carte blanche to commit adultery and make dumb decisions, so she decided that the reading was bad.

What can you do?

How do the cards work? Well, assuming they actually do “work”, I have no idea. Maybe the symbols help your subconscious reveal cues you managed to pick up without being aware of them. Maybe it’s like astrology, and every general sun sign description sounds accurate, roughly, partially, because the descriptions are generally vague. Who knows? But if people want their cards read, I can apparently do a decent job.

tea

My favourite is Dr Chang’s Long Life Tea, Original Mongolian Blend, which I can’t find here in Savannah or online, and which I had a hell of a time finding in Atlanta. Also, last time I got a stye (probably from stress), a wet tea bag helped the swelling go down after nothing else worked for a month. I was prepared to go to my grave with a lump on my lower eyelid, but it improved.

It’s better for you than coffee or soda pop. There are thousands of choices. You can grab a glass of iced stuff, or make an entire ritual out of it and serve nice little sandwiches and scones with jam and clotted cream or lemon curd.  You can drink healthy tea or tea that energizes, or tea that flushes out your system, or tea that relaxes, or tea that helps with long-term depression, or tea that just perks your mood up. You can drink tea alone or in a group. It’s good hot or iced.

Tea is nice.

urban exploration

I don’t get much of a chance to do this these days, but this can be a number of different things, and doesn’t have to involve trespassing (though it often does). If you have a friend who likes to take pictures, urban exploration can involve sneaking onto the grounds of an old millworks that is scheduled to be demolished and taking pictures in as many places as possible to take advantage of a soon-to-be-lost resource.

It can mean starting at Point A and then following whatever whim, based on whatever rules, to end up at another, unknown point. If you do it as a group, everyone gets a turn having their whims indulged. You may end up taking a horse-drawn carriage tour, or trying to sneak into some glass elevators, or onto balconies at hotels.

You might look over walls and around corners you’d normally ignore. You might eat at a chicken and waffles place or some ethnic restaurant you’d never normally choose because it was there and you decided you were hungry. You might stumble upon a party or happening or art exhibit. You might find some public art you only ever drove past before. You might befriend a stray cat. You might make new friends. You could end up drinking martinis high above the city skyline in a revolving restaurant. You may end up singing the blues in a karaoke bar. You might be cheerfully heckled by a drag queen in a gay bar, or befriend a homeless guy who sells incense to make a living. You might find a cartoon retrospective being shown. You could discover that you like reggae music when you wind up in a hole in the wall bar. The goal is to be open to possibilities, and to recruit similar-minded friends who are up for some unstructured amusement. Not every choice is going to be superlative, but part of the game is to vote to stay or move on every so often, be it a half hour or an hour or whatever the group chose. You can split up, even, but that’s not as much fun.

It’s making do with the urge to wander when woods and mountains are not on hand to clamber over. Some people do indulge in a type of urban spelunking and rappelling, but my insurance isn’t that great, so I stick to more simple exploring. You can’t be easily embarrassed or lazy or careless enough get caught doing something illegal (akin to double parking, mind, no actual naughtiness like white slavery or heroin rings required), that’s no fun!

 

Weird Childhood Delusions And Beliefs

It seems like we all, as kids, harbor some bizarre beliefs and fixations. I, being typical, was no different. I’m not talking about The Monster Who Lives In The Closet or Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy delusions, but far less explainable ones.

I also recall being puzzled by the crazy shit some of my peers believed, such as their belief that golf balls contained some radioactive substance deep inside that would kill you if you handled it, but if you were a normal kid, this was hardly a deterrent. You’d labor to crack open any stray golf ball you found, unwind two miles of stringy crap, and then find out that the real truth about the center of a golf ball was very, very boring and not lethal at all (unless you cracked open your dad’s brand new golf balls and destroyed them, in which case you might get beaten into the middle of next week).

The List Of Some Of The Stupid Things I Believed Or Was Fixated Upon As A Child 

I was sure:

1. That if I put my left shoe on first each day, my right shoe would feel neglected and sad, so I had to alternate which shoe got to go first. Just to be fair. The same thing applied to favored stuffed animals. No matter what my real feelings were, I had to maintain this fiction that I loved and liked them all the same…much like my mother did with me and my sibling. We weren’t fooled.

2. That even license plates and advertisements on billboards can be entertaining. I learned to read at an early age, so when reading things forwards got boring, I’d spell them backwards in my head. Then I tried rearranging them into new and better words. Many a billboard was rendered far more interesting this way. Nowadays I KILL at Jumble, Boggle and other useless word puzzles.

3. That inflammable meant that whatever was in there would never, ever catch on fire, because flammable was clearly the word that meant that. It made no sense to have two words mean the same thing. When corrected, I revised this belief. Inflammable meant much more flammable. Like, you could set it on fire just by looking at it cross-eyed. This made me very nervous on interstates. Also, imagine my confusion upon encountering the word cleave, and realizing that it could mean two completely contradictory things. English? Illogical.

4. That I could communicate with all animals, given enough time and patience. There may be some validity to this delusion, as I approached growling, slavering, strange hounds, picked up and fondled unknown varieties of triangle-headed snakes, caught bees by their wings when they fed on the flowers in our yard, poked grouchy skinks, carelessly thrust my bare hands in unknown dark bolt holes, and otherwise tempted death or injury on a regular basis and never even so much as got a scratch. This includes the time I went wading in a creek behind our house and was suddenly alarmed to realize I was surrounded by a squadron of cottonmouths / water moccasins. I pretended to be a branch, moved very slowly, and escaped being bitten. This also includes the many times I went blackberrying barefoot, temping fate not only to cause me to step on a briar-y, thorny vine, but also risking pissing off rattlesnakes. Oh, I also believed that rattlesnakes ate blackberries, when rattlesnakes actually eat the small animals who eat blackberries.

5. That food tastes crappier if mixed together. The procedure to avoid this horror is simple: eat each food item separately. Start with the good stuff, then chip away at the crap stuff until you can be excused from the dinner table. Realize that at least you’re not as much of an asshole about food as your brother, who has learned to yark on cue when fed string beans. As compensation for having to sit through dozens of vomit-enhanced dinnertime follies, no one’s behavior at the dinner table will ever be able to put you off your trough ever again. You will cheerfully eat rare steak while watching The X-Files or surgery shows or Forensic Files. You ordered Chinese? The resemblance between the fried rice you’re happily chomping on and the seething maggots on the dead body that the cops on the telly just found won’t bother you a bit. Gross your boyfriend out by offering him chunks of Chinese pork.

6. That if you stare at the back of someone’s neck long enough, not only will they sense it and turn around, but you can also Influence Them to do stuff. This…may be true. *stares at the back of your neck* See? You now feel…compelled…to leave a Comment.

7. That gold-colored Volkswagen Beetles had rare magical properties and could grant wishes. There was a whole system, if I remember right. You had to cross your fingers when you saw a gold Bug, and then wait until you saw a dog to make a wish. We expanded this to silver Bugs, and you had to loop all your fingers over the top of your hand (it is easier to show than to tell what I mean by this) and wait to see a cat. I don’t recall either method working worth a darn. Green-colored M&Ms had magical properties as well, but damned if I could figure out what they were, because the big kids weren’t telling.

8. That using pottery paint from the pottery craft kit you got at a yard sale to decorate your neighbor’s sidewalk with flowers and hearts will be interpreted as a gesture of friendship, affection, and general goodwill. Also, pottery paint will wash off easily with a garden hose. I was very wrong on both counts. What I am trying to say here is that pottery paint is permanent. Also, if you buy a used pottery craft kit at a yard sale, the clay will have hardened into the form of a pile of small rocks.

9. That all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. This belief persisted for a while, even after getting The Birds And The Bees Talk.

10. That mixing generous portions of Mom’s lotions, powders, shampoos and conditioners together in a cereal bowl will create a new and improved beauty product that will earn you a bajillion dollars and make you famous. What it does is get your butt beaten.

11. That aspirin and Coca-Cola mixed together do something very important, but, again, the big kids aren’t telling. It probably makes your stomach blow up. Not a good plan. But that Pop*Rocks and Coke rumor is definitely a big lie. You’d have to be a real idiot to believe that.

12. That even though your dad kills slugs by putting pie-pans full of beer under a thin layer of pine straw all over the backyard, the likelihood that you will step in one or more of them every single week while running like a crazy person through the camellia or azalea garden is nearly nil. This will in no way affect your enthusiasm for trying beer when you are older. Except, alas, it will, and the smell of beer will forever remind you of the nausea you felt while digging mashed, stinky, beery slug corpses out from between your bare toes.

13. That people could float or fly or turn invisible if only they knew the magic word. So if you read the dictionary from cover to cover, you’ll eventually find it. Also: the word “gullible” isn’t actually in the dictionary.

14. That the best way to play Circus and to have your Barbie tightrope artists walk across thread tightropes is to hang them by thread nooses around their necks from the curtain rods. This will not freak your mom out in the least, and you will not be dragged off to see a child psychologist, who will idly test you, determine that you are fairly normal (whatever that means) but also very, very smart and frequently very, very bored, and he will proceed to conspire with you to feed you forbidden sweets, ignore you so he can do crossword puzzles and nap, and then bill your hysterical, over-reacting mom for it.

15. That I could literally scratch myself to death if a tag was left on my collars or underwear. Clothing tags were my mortal enemy. If my parents failed in their duties and forgot to remove them, I’d rip them out with my teeth. In part this was due to “Princess And The Pea”-like skin sensitivities, but it was also due to me being weird. That labels also had washing instructions on them was emphatically not my problem.

16. That when I am trotted out to perform and look cute for a gaggle of adults, no one will think to look for me if I get overwhelmed and feel shy and then crawl under the table, and I will definitely be left alone. This will, of course, not embarrass my mother at all. And I will not be pinched black and blue for this transgression.

17. That baby dolls are evil and want to eat your brains in your sleep. Barbie dolls, on the other hand, are perfectly fine, and not the reason I tied the waistband of my hateful, giant-sized, poofy underwear into a knot to give my pudgy six-year-old self an hourglass figure. (It worked.)

18. That making thread loops and tying them around big round plastic bracelets and then putting the thread loops over the tops of your ears will fool everyone into thinking your ears are pierced.

19. That this daring fashion statement is best set off by a red, yellow, blue and green straw sombrero from Nassau.

20. That if I flush the hideous Buster Brown shoes that give me blisters down the toilet right before church, I will either not have to wear the hideous Buster Brown shoes that give me blisters or I will not have to go to church. Either way, win-win. In reality, I will have to go to church with one wet shoe, and one bare foot, and it will be Communion Sunday, and I will be marched up the aisle like Diddle Diddle Dumpling My Son John, and all the old ladies in the church will hiss and tch and tut and cluck at each other about what a neglectful slattern of a mother I have.

21. That the cat really enjoys being worn as a fur stole. Or a hat.

22. That I will be able to care for a baby mole I find in the gutter after a spring thunderstorm, and that “Holy Moley” is a fantastic name for him, too. His inevitable demise will naturally give me guilt spasms for years afterwards.

23. That since I swung on the power lines all the time when up in the magnolia trees, I must be impervious to death. This revelation, oddly, makes me feel even more depressed, since I was an unhappy kid and remembering that I was so unconcerned about whether I died or not is an unpleasant memory.

24. That candy tastes better if you separate it into same-coloured piles first. Additionally, odd numbers are superior to even numbers. (Instructions: Drive self crazy when the piles are not identical by trying to determine how to tackle this life-altering, very important decision process.)

25. That when I grow up, I will be a rich and famous artist and people will all like me. Also, the universe is inherently fair, and being a good person is sufficient to keep bad things from happening to you.

26. That God gives a crap about your maths test today.

27. That he who smelt it, dealt it. It is also always okay to blame flatulence on Daddy or the dog.

28. That my mom is the most beautiful lady in the entire universe, and should be a supermodel. The only reason she isn’t is because she clearly did not have any interest in it.

29. That it’s okay to swim in the neighborhood’s public baby pool. Decades later, you will put two and two together and realize you willingly marinated in diluted baby pee. Repeatedly.

30. That playing in sewers is fun. Well, actually, it is fun, but pretending it was a creek and not a tidal run-off and sewer overflow thing is, at best, delusional. But, yeah, big fun. With turtles and skinks and snakes and tadpoles all up in it.

31. That success selling greeting cards and Girl Scout cookies door-to-door as a child definitely indicates that I am destined to have success in business as an adult. That winning a statewide cake bake-off means that I will actually become a competent cook as an adult. Not so much. (I can bake, though!)

32. That Ice Cream Soup is a real recipe, and that it tastes better than unmolested ice cream.

33. That if I concentrate hard enough, my little brother can be returned to sender, just like the itchy grey sweater Crazy Aunt Judy gave me for Christmas. That because I do not want a pony, thus not putting undue pressure on Santa, then I will get the Barbie crap I asked for, and not the weird educational crap I did not want but which I ended up with instead, including The Visible Man kit, which traumatized me with all his little plastic innards and clear skin. My parents found out I had a high IQ, and that Christmas was pretty dire, since almost every single gift under the tree was designed to appeal to teen and adult hobbyists who could afford to buy the parts the kits did not come with, but they were definitely not designed with an 8-year-old in mind who really just wanted a fucking Barbie doll for fuck’s sake.

34. That puns are freaking HILARIOUS! No one should ever get tired of puns. Even the same one, told multiple times in a single hour. Funny, man. And have you heard the orange and banana knock-knock jokes? I know a million of ’em! Thank you! You’ve been a great audience! I’ll be here all week! Try the buffet!

35. That brown sugar + white sugar = cinnamon sugar. Not an expensive mess of wasted baking ingredients. That bologna + Velveeta + white bread + toaster = edible meal. Don’t worry about that red plastic strip around the bologna, you can just peel it off later if you forget to do it before putting it in the toaster. Just ignore the smoke and toxic fumes.

36. That the brown bottle with the pictures of fruit on it is a special and tasty fruit juice that the grown-ups have been hiding from you. It is not, conversely, a strong amaretto. Therefore, drinking the whole bottle should be okay. This will, in no way, ruin amaretto for you for the rest of your life.

37. That Kotex pads are the perfect Barbie doll mattresses. Also, cutting up the seed pearl necklace your grandmother gave you and giving it to your Barbie dolls to wear is the best way to show appreciation for such a generous gift. I still feel absolutely terrible about that one, but no one told me it was real.

38. That trichotillomania is fun, not a sign of depression or stress. It took twenty years for my widow’s peak to grow back in.

39. That if you swallow gum, it will take seven years to digest.

40. That I have super abilities that are not being properly appreciated by my peers or family. Like, obviously I rode my bike for, like, fifty miles today. A new world record!

41. That it’s okay to wander around your neighbor’s yards and to touch whatever you want to. Free flowers! Ooh, department store catalogues! It’s time to play “What’s In That Shed?” They won’t miss this garden gnome.

42. Hark, a noise…!  Can’t sleep, aliens will eat me.

43. That picking scabs is the best kind of entertainment a kid could ever imagine. Blood? Bonus!

44. That sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Yeah, right. One of the biggest lines of bullshit ever.

45. That the Ouija Board will give you a viral, severe, jumping Jehoshaphat case of angry ghosts and you will die of haunted-ness.

46. That Jesus loves me. In fact, he knows me by name and has a personal interest in my well-being and happiness. I kind of outgrew this one by the time I was in first grade.

47. That if you go swimming less than an hour after eating, even if it is just 59 minutes and 59 seconds, you will get a cramp and drown and die. When you do go into the water, Jaws will eat you. Perhaps beaches are death traps altogether, and are best avoided.

48. That toads give you warts. Whether or not warts are a desired outcome (kids are strange), you believe that it is possible to pick up a toad without it tinkling all over your hands. The fact that you have never accomplished this feat will in no way discourage you from catching toads as often as you can.

49. That pulling up all the loose wooden parquet floor tiles and using them as building blocks is a useful way to spend an afternoon. You were so close to inventing Jenga.

50. That, while riding a bicycle, it’s possible to take a sharp corner on sand-covered asphalt without losing control of said bike, falling down on to said asphalt, and gouging a huge bloody hole in your chin. This will be a blessing in disguise, as it will discourage you from taking any risks ever again, and you will reach adulthood without a single sprain, stitch, cavity, serious burn, or broken bone.

Another Book-related Blog Game

Instructions:
1. Bold those books you’ve read.
2. Underline books started-but-never-finished.
3. Asterisk those books you own (or used to own).
4. Add three titles to the list.
5. Post to your blog. (Italicise comments, if desired)

*1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
*2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
*3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
*4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
*5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
*6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
*7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
*8. 1984, George Orwell
*9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
*10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
*11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
*12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
*14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
*15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger (Does this make me a potential serial killer?)
*16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
*18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy I’m embarrassed to admit that this was a CHORE.
*21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
*22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone, JK Rowling
*23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
*24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling It saddens me that someone used up their three choices solely to be fan-girly. Besides, how many people honestly haven’t read these books by now?
*25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien First read it twenty-five years ago. Still not into the damned hobbit angst. Damn nouveau hippies.
*26. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
*28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
*30. Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson Stay tuned for about fourteen more Jacqueline Wilson books. Is she a fairly new (within last ten years or so) Young Adult author? I’ve never heard of her, which is unusual for me.
*32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
*36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
*39. Dune, Frank Herbert
*40. Emma, Jane Austen
*41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery Re-read as an adult after a friend recommended the series. It’s sweet.
*42. Watership Down, Richard Adams My copy is in literal tatters.
*43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald This is the main reason I reposted this meme. I just mentioned Gatsby yesterday. Admittedly, the odds were great that I would have mentioned a book of some sort that would appear on a bibliophile book list, but it still seems coincidental. 
*44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh Still amused that Evelyn is male. I’m a dumbass.
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
*53. The Stand, Stephen King
*54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman On my list.
*62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough Not my thing. But I read it all.
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman I *heart* these guys. Lots!
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
*71. Perfume, Patrick Susskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
*75. Bridget Jones’s Diary, Helen Fielding
*76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce Yes yes yes i have read this very long and mostly impenetrable book because yes yes i was an english major yes oui si hai yes
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
*85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
*87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
*90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
*91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel Woo, yikes, Neanderthal pr0n. Wasn’t expecting that.
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho On my list.
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
*97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot I was too old to dig this book.
100. Midnight’s Children, Salman Rushdie
*101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
*108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
*112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 1/2, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
*114. Les Miserables, Victor Hugo
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy What’s with the Hardy obsession on this list? Should I give him another try?
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson Who is this person? Does she write books for adults?
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski Beautifully designed but frustrating to read book.
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison I’m not anti-Young Adult books, really.
*128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
*131. The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood Gets scarier every year.
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
*133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George’s Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
*136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
*138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson Dude, I don’t get the Wilson obsession. The titles sound like Babysitters’ Club or Sweet Valley whatever titles. Are you reading them for kitsch value? Are they seriously good? I am willing to check her out, but the overwhelming amount of Wilson mentions on here contrasted with Orwells and Steinbecks and so on just baffle me.
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby Much of what is wrong with me can be explained when I say I’m a female “Rob”. Seriously.
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O’Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson ?!?!?!?! *sigh*
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey Still sad.
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad Thuh howwah! Thuh howwah!
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon (No; though I hear it’s called “Outlander” in the US)
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville This is the book that never ends. It just goes on and on my friend. The whale does not grant him three wishes.
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving Made a profound impact on me ages ago. Rereading it, I can’t recall why. But it’s GOOD.
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore I want cookies.
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson Maybe we should count the Wilson mentions on this list. This is getting out of control. It’s not like she’s Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., right? Tell me the truth. (Speaking of, why no Vonnegut?)
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
*170. Charlotte’s Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
*174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
*175. Sophie’s World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson o_O
177. Fantastic Mr. Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov Wherein Humbert Humbert discovers androgyny, eyeliner and synthesizers and becomes big in Japan. Or tries to assassinate a President. I forget.
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
*180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery En Francais!
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
*185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Gross-mith
*187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine I thought this was a series of little Young Adult books? I’ve read a few. If it’s just one book and a series was based on it, I haven’t read it.
*189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
*191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans Is this the guy who wrote The Notebook? Blearrrrgh.
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
*198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle Um…this is for four year olds, right? I just don’t know if I’ve read it or not unless I know for sure.
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews “Virginia” Andrews? Wasn’t it V.A. or V.C. or something? And can I just say that I am not titillated by incest stories or child abuse stories? What the hell?
201. The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien I lived through the first Tolkein craze. It’s just not my kind of fantasy stuff. I’m sorry.
202. The Eye of the World, Robert Jordan
203. The Great Hunt, Robert Jordan
204. The Dragon Reborn, Robert Jordan
205. Fires of Heaven, Robert Jordan
206. Lord of Chaos, Robert Jordan
207. Winter’s Heart, Robert Jordan
208. A Crown of Swords, Robert Jordan
209. Crossroads of Twilight, Robert Jordan
210. A Path of Daggers, Robert Jordan o_O Jordan fanboy-ism ahoy? I’ve read some Jordan, but it all was samey-samey. I have no idea which of these I have actually read.
211. As Nature Made Him, John Colapinto
*212. Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
213. The Married Man, Edmund White
*214. Winter’s Tale, Mark Helprin Brilliant.
215. The History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault
*216. Cry to Heaven, Anne Rice Got bored with Anne about fifteen years ago.
217. Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe, John Boswell
218. Equus, Peter Shaffer
219. The Man Who Ate Everything, Jeffrey Steingarten
220. Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke
221. Ella Minnow Pea, Mark Dunn
*222. The Vampire Lestat, Anne Rice
*223. Anthem, Ayn Rand Possibly the only decent thing she ever wrote. That could also be because it is very short.
*224. The Bridge To Terabithia, Katherine Paterson
225. Tartuffe, Moliere
*226. The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
*227. The Crucible, Arthur Miller
228. The Trial, Franz Kafka
*229. Oedipus Rex, Sophocles
230. Oedipus at Colonus, Sophocles
231. Death Be Not Proud, John Gunther
*232. A Doll’s House, Henrik Ibsen
*233. Hedda Gabler, Henrik Ibsen
234. Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton I refuse. Ditto for Tristam Shandy.
235. A Raisin In The Sun, Lorraine Hansberry
236. ALIVE!, Piers Paul Read Oh my. Is this the plane accident survival story? If so, yes.
237. Grapefruit, Yoko Ono
238. Trickster Makes This World, Lewis Hyde
240. The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
241. Chronicles of Thomas Convenant, Unbeliever, Stephen Donaldson
242. Lord of Light, Roger Zelazny
242. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
243. Summerland, Michael Chabon
244. A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
*245. Candide, Voltaire
246. The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More, Roald Dahl
247. Ringworld, Larry Niven Maybe? It sounds very familiar.
248. The King Must Die, Mary Renault Maybe. We have a lotof Renault in the house.
*249. Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
*250. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle
*251. The Eyre Affair, Jasper Fforde
252. The House Of The Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
253. The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
*254. The Joy Luck Club, Amy Tan
255. The Great Gilly Hopkins, Katherine Paterson
256. Chocolate Fever, Robert Kimmel Smith
257. Xanth: The Quest for Magic (Original trilogy), Piers Anthony I’ve read some Piers. Namely the Incarnations of Immortality and some Xanth. He’s not really my bag, though he seems nice enough. His personal notes in the back of the books are the best part; he refrains from punning too painfully.
258. The Lost Princess of Oz, L. Frank Baum
259. Wonder Boys, Michael Chabon
*260. Lost In A Good Book, Jasper Fforde
*261. Well Of Lost Plots, Jasper Fforde
262. Life Of Pi, Yann Martel On my list.
263. The Bean Trees, Barbara Kingsolver
264. A Yellow Rraft In Blue Water, Michael Dorris
265. Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder
267. Where The Red Fern Grows, Wilson Rawls
268. Griffin & Sabine, Nick Bantock
269. Witch of Blackbird Pond, Joyce Friedland
270. Mrs. Frisby And The Rats Of NIMH, Robert C. O’Brien
271. Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt
272. The Cay, Theodore Taylor
273. From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, E.L. Konigsburg
274. The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster On my list.
275. The Westing Game, Ellen Raskin
*276. The Kitchen God’s Wife, Amy Tan
277. The Bone Setter’s Daughter, Amy Tan On my list.
278. Relic, Duglas Preston & Lincolon Child
*279. Wicked, Gregory Maguire
*280. American Gods, Neil Gaiman
281. Misty of Chincoteague, Marguerite Henry
282. The Girl Next Door, Jack Ketchum
283. Haunted, Judith St. George
284. Singularity, William Sleator
285. A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
*286. Different Seasons, Stephen King
*287. Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
*288. About a Boy, Nick Hornby
289. The Bookman’s Wake, John Dunning
290. The Church of Dead Girls, Stephen Dobyns
291. Illusions, Richard Bach
292. Magic’s Pawn, Mercedes Lackey
293. Magic’s Promise, Mercedes Lackey
294. Magic’s Price, Mercedes Lackey Have read some Lackey, just not sure WHAT.
295. The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav On my list.
296. Spirits of Flux and Anchor, Jack L. Chalker
*297. Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
298. The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, Brenda Love Also known as “The Internet”. No thanks, I’ve had enough of Furries to last me a lifetime.
299. Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace. On my list.
300. The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison.
*301. The Cider House Rules, John Irving.
302. Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card
*303. Girlfriend in a Coma, Douglas Coupland
304. The Lion’s Game, Nelson Demille
305. The Sun, The Moon, and the Stars, Stephen Brust
306. Cyteen, C. J. Cherryh
*307. Foucault’s Pendulum, Umberto Eco
*308. Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson The paper equivalent of TL;DR, except…it wasn’t and I did.
*309. Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk
310. Camber of Culdi, Kathryn Kurtz
311. The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand And look, I didn’t turn into a Libertarian, Determinist, Paulbot, Republican, vulture capitalist or a Yuppie! How’d that happen?
312. War and Rememberance, Herman Wouk
*313. The Art of War, Sun Tzu
314. The Giver, Lois Lowry
315. The Telling, Ursula Le Guin
316. Xenogenesis (or Lilith’s Brood), Octavia Butler
317. A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold
318. The Curse of Chalion, Lois McMaster Bujold
319. The Aeneid, Publius Vergilius Maro
320. Hanta Yo, Ruth Beebe Hill
*321. The Princess Bride, S. Morganstern Battered, on the brink of tattered. From love.
*322. Beowulf, Anonymous
323. The Sparrow, Maria Doria Russell
324. Deerskin, Robin McKinley
325. Dragonsong, Anne McCaffrey Probably?
*326. Passage, Connie Willis I really like Connie Willis.
327. Otherland, Tad Williams
328. Tigana, Guy Gavriel Kay
329. Number the Stars, Lois Lowry
330. Beloved, Toni Morrison
*331. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, Christopher Moore
332. The mysterious disappearance of Leon, I mean Noel, Ellen Raskin
333. Summer Sisters, Judy Blume Should stick with books for tweens and teens.
334. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo
335. The Island on Bird Street, Uri Orlev
336. Midnight in the Dollhouse, Marjorie Filley Stover
337. The Miracle Worker, William Gibson *perk* Is this new? *adds to reading list*
338. The Genesis Code, John Case
339. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevensen
340. Paradise Lost, John Milton
341. Phantom, Susan Kay
*342. The Mummy or Ramses the Damned, Anne Rice
*343. Anno Dracula, Kim Newman Believe it or not, I have never had a “Goth phase”.
344: The Dresden Files: Grave Peril, Jim Butcher
345: Tokyo Suckerpunch, Issac Adamson
346: The Winter of Magic’s Return, Pamela Service
347: The Oddkins, Dean R. Koontz For Pete’s sake. I’ve read, like, 63 Koontz books, and you list one I’ve never heard of. When my bathtub drain gets fixed, I’ll have to read it in the bathtub.
348. My Name is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok Not this one, but two others.
349. The Last Goodbye, Raymond Chandler Probably.
350. At Swim, Two Boys, Jaime O’Neill
*351. Othello, by William Shakespeare
352. The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas
353. The Collected Poems of William Butler Yeats
354. Sati, Christopher Pike
355. The Inferno, Dante
356. The Apology, Plato
357. The Small Rain, Madeline L’Engle
358. The Man Who Tasted Shapes, Richard E Cytowick
359. 5 Novels, Daniel Pinkwater
360. The Sevenwaters Trilogy, Juliet Marillier
*361. Girl with a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier
*362. To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
363. Our Town, Thorton Wilder Lost somewhere in my boxes of books.
364. Green Grass Running Water, Thomas King
335. The Interpreter, Suzanne Glass
336. The Moor’s Last Sigh, Salman Rushdie I just don’t like his style. I tried. Honest.
337. The Mother Tongue, Bill Bryson
338. A Passage to India, E.M. Forster
339. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
340. The Phantom of the Opera, Gaston Leroux
341. Pages for You, Sylvia Brownrigg
342. The Changeover, Margaret Mahy
343. Howl’s Moving Castle, Diana Wynne Jones
*344. Angels and Demons, Dan Brown I was less smart after reading this.
345. Johnny Got His Gun, Dalton Trumbo
346. Shosha, Isaac Bashevis Singer
347. Travels With Charley, John Steinbeck
348. The Diving-bell and the Butterfly, Jean-Dominique Bauby
349. The Lunatic at Large, J. Storer Clouston
350. Time for Bed, David Baddiel
351. Barrayar, Lois McMaster Bujold
352. Quite Ugly One Morning, Christopher Brookmyre
353. The Bloody Sun, Marion Zimmer Bradley Maybe. Seriously, I whip through these fantasy authors so quickly it’s like eating potato chips. You have to be damned good as a writer for your book to stick with me for more than a few days.
354. Sewer, Gas, and Eletric, Matt Ruff
355. Jhereg, Steven Brust
356. So You Want To Be A Wizard, Diane Duane On my list, I hear this series is amusing.
357. Perdido Street Station, China Mieville Former roommate left it out. I read it.
358. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Anne Bronte
359. Road-side Dog, Czeslaw Milosz
360. The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje
*361. Neuromancer, William Gibson
362. The Epistemology of the Closet, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick
363. A Canticle for Liebowitz, Walter M. Miller, Jr
364. The Mask of Apollo, Mary Renault
365. The Gunslinger, Stephen King
366. Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
367. Childhood’s End, Arthur C. Clarke
*368. A Season of Mists, Neil Gaiman
369. Ivanhoe, Walter Scott
370. The God Boy, Ian Cross
371. The Beekeeper’s Apprentice, Laurie R. King
372. Finn Family Moomintroll, Tove Jansson
*373. Misery, Stephen King
374. Tipping the Velvet, Sarah Waters
375. Hood, Emma Donoghue
376. The Land of Spices, Kate O’Brien
*377. The Diary of Anne Frank
378. Regeneration, Pat Barker
379. Tender is the Night, F. Scott Fitzgerald
380. Dreaming in Cuban, Cristina Garcia
381. A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway
382. The View from Saturday, E.L. Konigsburg
383. Dealing with Dragons, Patricia Wrede
*384. Eats, Shoots & Leaves, Lynne Truss
385. A Severed Wasp – Madeleine L’Engle
386. Here Be Dragons – Sharon Kay Penman
387. The Mabinogion (Ancient Welsh Tales) – translated by Lady Charlotte E. Guest
*388. The DaVinci Code – Dan Brown You can’t take it seriously, but it was entertaining.
389. Desire of the Everlasting Hills – Thomas Cahill
390. The Cloister Walk – Kathleen Norris
391. My Antonia, Willa Cather
*392. The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
393. The Moonstone, Wilkie Collins
394. Conceived Without Sin, Bud MacFarlane Jr.
395. Pierced by a Sword, Bud MacFarlane, Jr.
396. Tully, Paullina Simons
397. On the Beach, Nevil Shute
*398. Cat’s Eye, Margaret Atwood
399. Earth Abides, George R. Stewart
400. Double Play, Robert Parker
401. Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott
402. Bookman’s Promise, John Dunning
403. Julius Caesar, Shakespeare
404. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
405. A Separate Peace, John Knowles
406. The Annunciation of Francesca Dunn, Janis Hallowell
*407. The Holy Bible, (Various Authors) Yeah, I’ve read it. I even taught Sunday School back in the day (when I identified as an agnostic, no less). I have one in my house.
408. The Odyssey, Homer
409. The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky
410. The Complete Stories of Flannery O’Connor
411. The Way of a Pilgrim, Anonymous
412. The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody, Will Cuppy
413. Song of Eve, June Strong
414. Cyclops, Clive Cussler
415. The Light That Failed, Rudyard Kipling
416. Zia, Scott O’Dell
417. Island of the Blue Dolphins, Scott O’Dell
418. The Devil’s Arithmetic, Jane Yolen On my list.
419. Riddle-master Trilogy, Patricia McKillip
420. Certain Women, Madeleine L’Engle
421. My Hundred Children, Lenah Kikhler-Zilberman
422. Sandry’s Book, Tamora Pierce
423. Joona trilogy, Kim Englehart
424. The Dark Is Rising Sequence (set of 5 books), Susan Cooper
425. King of Shadows, Susan Cooper
426. Among Friends, Caroline Cooney
427. Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes Still sad.
428. Anne Frank and Me, Cherie Bennett & Jeff Gotesfeld
429. Shadow of a Hero, by Peter Dickinson
430. A House Like a Lotus, by Madeleine L’Engle
431. Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis
432. A Raging Quiet, by Sherryl Jordan
433. A Ring of Endless Light, by Madeleine L’Engle
434. The Girl Who Owned a City, by O.T. Nelson
435. Below the Root, by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
436. Island in the Sea of Time, by S.M. Stirling
*437. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, J.K. Rowling
*438. Digital Fortress, Dan Brown
439. Around the World in Eighty Days, Jules Verne
440. The Bridges of Madison County, Robert James Waller *vomits copiously* My mother tried to give me a BoMC cookbook one Christmas, which is indicative of how much she DOES NOT understand me at all. Not into smarmy romance books about adultery. Not into cooking “down home” recipes. Gaaah. Horrible.
441. Thunder and Roses, Mary Jo Putney
442. Love Beyond Tomorrow, Erin Klingler
443. Wizard’s First Rule, by Terry Goodkind
444. The Neverending Story, by Michael Ende
*445. The Hidden Staircase, by Carolyn Keene A Nancy Drew Adventure!! My mother’s and my old books are still around somewhere, all 200 of them or so.
446. Chess with A Dragon, by Devid Gerold
447. Dreadnaught, by Robert K. Massie
448. On Basilisk Station, by David Weber
449. The High and the Mighty, by Ernest K. Gann
450. The Old Dog Barks Backwards, by Ogden Nash Love Nash poems and verse, haven’t read this, though.
451. The Soul of a New Machine, by Tracy Kidder
452. Startide Rising, by David Brin
453. The Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum
*454. All the President’s Men, by Bob Woodward & Carl Bernstein
*455. Guilty Pleasures, Laurell K. Hamilton Stop sucking, Hamilton. I meant it.
456. Moonheart, Charles DeLint
457. The Weirdstone of Brisingamen, Alan Garner
458. Lady Chatterly’s Lover, D.H. Lawrence
459. Ficciones, Jorge Luis Borges
460. Henry V, Shakespeare
*461. To Say Nothing of the Dog, Connie Willis
462. Elric of Melnibone, Michael Moorcock
463. M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link, Robert Asprin
464. Sabriel, Garth Nix
465. Falling Leaves, Adeline Yen Mah
466. The Tricksters, Margaret Mahy
*467. For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
468. The Family Way, Tony Parsons
469. Holy Fools, Joanne Harris
*470. Rachel’s Holiday, Marian Keyes Fluffy but charming.
471. The Sword And The Scimitar, David Ball
472. Past Mortem, Ben Elton
473. The Iliad, Homer
474. The Time-Traveller’s Wife, Audrey Niffenegger
475. Ramona Quimby, Age 8, Beverly Cleary

My additions:
*475. The Great Tao, Dr Steven T Chang
*476. The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
*477. Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
*478. The Chocolate War, Robert Cormier
*479. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
*480. The Alienist, Caleb Carr

Be book-nerdish and share your opinions on those I haven’t read on this list but should. And, seriously, what’s with the 45 Wilson books?! I gave myself double nominations just to balance that out. That’s crazy. 🙂