The One Where My Friend Is Writing A CV

Here’s a conversation you might enjoy.

Friend 1: writing CVs suck ass.

Friend 2: I concur.

Friend 1: what does “interpersonal” mean

Friend 1:  god I’m lying so much already and I’m only writing the cover letter

Friend 3: Lying about your age again? ; )

Britpoptarts: ‘Interpersonal’ is workspeak for “I do not plan to do mental things or be a prat in the workplace.”

Britpoptarts: Most of my former co-workers lied like rugs answering that bit.

Friend 1: oh fuck

Britpoptarts:  ?

Friend 1:  I am totally the mental case in the workplace!

* Friend 1 deletes that bit

Britpoptarts:  LOL

Britpoptarts:  It also implies that you do not plan to kill and eat them for at least two months.

Britpoptarts:  After which, all bets are off.

 

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Paralegal Classes Are Keeping Me Hopping

Oy vey. Have two research papers due tonight, two due tomorrow, one-sixth of my final project due Monday, research on the Eric Doctrine due Tuesday, a research paper on Rubio v. Davis due Wednesday (and the citation for S. E. 2d. is incorrect, with an unrelated case appearing on p. 367 in volume 500), more research on attractive nuisances is due Thursday, then there’s a test in Friday with another research paper due that night, two more NEXT Saturday, two more NEXT Sunday, and another sixth of a final project due Monday, plus whatever additional homework I get on Monday, plus required active daily discussions in online class forums that require hours in WestlawNext and Westkaw to back up opinions with relevant law, and that’s just school stuff due.

I also have reams of personal stuff/errands to do, including job hunting and household stuff and trying to explain to Mom that I’m going to have homework every night for the next six weeks, and my ”light day” is the same day she has evening classes to teach. This means she’ll drop in every weekend to interrupt my work/study time and add stuff to my To Do lists I don’t have time or energy to do, all because she won’t believe I am truly swamped with stuff I must do and therefore must actually be trying to ignore her. Because…needy parent is needy. The fact that I get all As is seen as being due to my smarts, which were not due to anything i did but granted to me at birth genetically by my family, but definutely not due to any actual effort on my part being combined with those smarts.

So my online fun time will have to be grabbed in random bursts between dry school-related duties and writing. Woo, fun!

It’s a good thing I LIKE school and learning. I even enjoy writing, once I know enough about a subject TO write. Thing is, school eats up all my non-school writing time and burns out my brain for non-legal-related topics for hours on end. The citation format is different. The acceptable language is different. It’s all good, no worries there, but it makes my poor grey cells a wee bit tired.

I had HORRIBLE anxiety palpitations for days over my first big assignments for Torts class, and just got this message from my professor:

“Wow! You hit this out of the park (which is appropriate for a sports facility). Superb work! Extremely thorough. I particularly liked the questions you constructed. And the transcription and comments on demeanor were especially helpful…awesome!”

I had to take a hypothetical set of fights at an ice rink during a hockey game (two sons and then two fathers fought with each other) and interview a potential client who wants to sue every-fucking-body he can, plus identify ten witnesses, come up with ten witness questions, etc. Never did anything remotely like it at all, and was sure I’d failed. So, yay!

The other assignment:

“Stunning! You have provided a scholarly, comprehensive analysis for both discussion questions! You also have cited all of your sources, not to mention that you diligently have responded to your classmates’ many posts…awesome!”

We also had to introduce ourselves this week, and she commented on that, too:

“What a delightful autobiography! So warm and funny! And, my goodness, you went out of your way to reach out to each and every one of your many classmates! That helps to make the classroom a friendly and nurturing place to be! I look forward to getting to know you in this class.”

(She likes exclamation points, and this class is online.)

So, that’s nice.

As usual, paralegal-related posts are scheduled for Mondays, and the above assignments (except for the bio, I talk enough about myself on this blog) will be shared in late March or early April, if I have my scheduling figured out right. 🙂

Murphy is getting less fun time, too, which is probably the worst part, as he probably feels punished when his run-around time us so drastically reduced. Poor little buddy.

What Not To Do With A Hot Pocket

What not to do with a Hot Pocket:

1. Eat it.

But let’s just say you’re hungry and poor and tired of ramen, Chef Boyardee or even the delicious home-cooked leftovers that you have reheated four times already because they are stuck together in a frozen ball the size of your head and you can only chip off a little bit at a time.

Or perhaps you live in your basement, collecting crumbs in your neck beard, and don’t want to pause while smiting orcs long enough to eat food that requires utensils (or two hands).

Whatever. (Or, as former Republican Senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown might say, at least on Twitter, ”bqhatevwr,” dude.)

Let’s say that you have access to a Whole Wheat Lean Pocket with broccoli and turkey and cheese in it, and which you can pretend is slightly healthy.

What not to do with a Hot Pocket or ”Lean” Pocket:

1. Misread the directions because you’re pie-eyed from fatigue
2. Nuke one Pocket for the amount of time you’re supposed to nuke TWO Pockets
3. Act surprised that your Hot Pocket is a Hot Briquette, as in charcoal.
4. Eat it anyway.

I guess “briquette” is marginally better than a properly-cooked Hot Pocket, which includes lava inside, surrounding a still-frozen center.

Jim Gaffigan: “‘Will it burn my mouth?’ It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month.”

This PROTIP is brought to you by poverty, the fact that I’m out of skim milk for my cereal…and the fact that I had a Lean Pocket in my freezer and probably need upgraded glasses.

Dumb Or Strange Georgia Laws

Dumb Or Strange Laws in Georgia:

(Acworth)
All citizens must own a rake.

(Athens/Clarke County)
If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM.
Selling two beers at once for the same price is not allowed.
Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo.
Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM.
It is illegal for one to make a disturbing sound at a fair.
On Mondays, it is illegal for one to whistle very loud after 11:00 PM.

(Atlanta)
It is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man’s back.

(Cobb County)
At Nickajack Elementary School, all peanut products are banned, even peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

(Columbus)
No one may practice the business of tattooing on Sunday.
It is illegal to carve your initials on a tree, even if it is on your own property.
Cussing over the telephone is against the law.
No one may tease an idiot.
It is illegal to wear a hat in a movie theater.
Crosses may be burned on someone else’s property, so long as you have their permission.
Barber shops may not open on Sundays.
Picnics are prohibited in graveyards.
All Indians must return to their shore of the Chattahoochee River by nightfall.
The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
Can’t cut off a chicken’s head on Sunday.
It is illegal to carry a chicken by its feet down Broadway on Sunday.

(Conyers)
One may not place a dead bird on a neighbor’s lawn.

(Dublin)
Rocks may not be thrown at birds.
Persons may not wear hoods in public.
It is illegal to play catch in any city street.

(Gainesville)
Chicken must be eaten with the hands.

(Jonesboro)
It is illegal to say “Oh, Boy”.

(Marietta)
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

(Quitman)
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

(Roswell)
Erotic dancing is prohibited on Sundays.
The flooring of adult bookstores and video stores must be non-absorbent and smooth textured.

(St. Mary’s)
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

These Are Possibly The Weirdest MP3s On the Internet

A few years ago, I stumbled across a treasure trove of bizarre stuff, hosted by WFMU.

Some highlights:

* The recording (referenced by Michael Moore in Sicko) Ronald Reagan made claiming socialized medicine is Teh Evil.

* Sindy Doll (The UK’s answer to Barbie) meets the Dollybeats, her favorite Beat group, and they write a song just for her.

* American Standard (they made plumbing fixtures) present an ode to “My Bathroom,” where the singer can “cream and dream.” Hoorah for unexpected double entendres!

* The collected works of Thurl Ravenscroft (the original voice of Tony the Tiger and the singer of “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”).

* A young lady named Katie Lee attempts (but fails) to channel Tom Lehrer with her “psychological damage” theme songs.

* What to do in case of Nuclear War
! (Advice goes into more detail than “Kiss your butt goodbye,” mind you: Build a shelter! Don’t forget extra batteries! You need food to survive! “This is what the alarms sound like…let us play them for several minutes so you can annoy your neighbors when you listen to this record!”)

* How to speak Hawaiian 
(Pronounced “HIGH-why-an” or “High-VAI-an” throughout)! Worst announcer ever. Lots of weird “native” drumming, distorted ukelele playing (ouch), and background singing. Learn how to pronounce a very long word for a particular fish, a word you will never, ever use again. Learn what a “gloy-tel stop” is. It has to be a joke, but it’s funny in spite of itself. The B-side claims to continue to teach HIGH-VAY-an, but is actually a useless How To Speak Arabic lesson, where your first command from the teacher is to say “pork weenie.” Or “corn weenie, really, really” because he changes his mind. “Sing. SING!!”

* Sixty-second remakes of famous songs (Blur, Nirvana, the Beatles, Nick Cave, Gwen Stefani, Britney Spears, Ravel, Brahms, Radiohead, Neil Young, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Shel Silverstein, Grandmaster Flash, the B-52s, The Who / Sex Pistols and several more get the treatment).

* Rare Mott the Hoople tunes.

* Funny MovieFone adverts for Mel Brooks’ “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” and a Hulk Hogan movie (“Mr Nanny”) and more. If you stick it out, the man recording the ads forgets he is on the mic and talks to a co-worker briefly.

* Singing DJs (generally awful), including Rick “Disco Duck” Dees and Wink Martindale (yep, the game show host guy).

* A pre-Velvet Underground Lou Reed project (The Primitives): Do The Ostrich!

* Coyote McCloud and geriatric 80s-era Wendy’s spokesgranny Clara Peller sing a little ditty called “Where’s The Beef?”–so bad, it’s…well, bad.

* Anthony Newley singing something other than “Candy Man.” (I promptly emailed these MP3 files to my ex-boyfriend who does the best Anthony Newley impression ever. He loved them.)

It should frighten me that this ex-BF actually bears a strong resemblance to Newley.

* Edd “Kookie” Byrnes tunes…are you a square or are you “The Skizziest”?

* Vanity pressings of truly unfortunate quality.

* A musical called “My Insurance Man.”

* A video for “Chinese Rocks” by Johnny Thunders and The Heartbreakers “featuring some actual footage of the band performing the song, although the footage isn’t necessarily in sync…but whaddya expect from a bunch of junkies singing about junk?”

* A novelty song from 1979 by Roger Hallmark which was a small hit on radio during the months leading up to the election of Ronald Reagan. Not only was Roger enraged at how “our old friend the Shah” was being treated, he also took the opportunity to toss in a few racist “Ayrab” jabs.

* “Sex and your Son / Daughter” — Released in 1965, these two records narrated by Doctor Sims should (fail to) remedy your ignorance.

* Rare Eugene Chadbourne and Daniel Johnston singles

* DJ Bill Zugat’s Copycats, Imitators and Soundalikes: fifteen songs ripping off a better-known source. Jobriath is featured (Zugat says, fairly, that he ripped off David Bowie and Elton John).

* LOTS of Wedding Singers.

* Dame Barbara “romance novel / poodoo writer” Cartland sings! “In 1978 she swapped pen for microphone when she record her own album of love songs making her the only (albeit distant) member of the Royal Family to have made a record. How the musicians and singers all kept a straight face during the recording is a miracle!”

* Tortura’s Sounds of Pain and Pleasure: “Relax in the twilight of your upcoming evenings listening to the sounds of whipping, beating, screaming, moaning, crying, groaning and laughing. To be listened to by [either] the whip-wielding dominatrix [or] the lonely soul awaiting the next aphrodisiac.”

* Unconventional covers of Glenn Miller’s big band classic, “In The Mood.”

* John Denver’s “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas).” Grim.

* Jingoistic pro-military jingles released during the Vietnam War to entice impressionable, patriotic youth to become cannon fodder.

* Recordings from the doomed cultists of Jim Jones’ Guyana retreat, Jonestown, before (happy choir practices) and during their final Kool-Aid quaffing (as Jones melts down into a paranoid, ranting fury and orders the murder of anyone resisting). Pretty sad and awful stuff.

The quality is pretty good, given the sources (mostly cassette, abused vinyl and 8-track), and I have laughed my backside off more than once. This list just names a few of the gems you can find here. Seriously crazy. I’m enjoying the weirdness factor. (I thought I had some crazy crap in my collection, but apparently my standards are too high, even when adopting a pile of crappy vinyl, to get any of this kind of stuff.)

If you check the site out, share your favorite oddities with me. 🙂

If you like this sort of thing, but prefer a more standard musical format, GoogHoo “Crap From The Past” and Ron “Boogiemonster” Gerber. If you have an MP3 editor, you can snip out the occasional ditty that pleases you. WARNING: the show is aptly named! However, he had a Trip Shakespeare track I was starting to think I’d imagined. Now that I have it, that particular ear worm is laid to rest, and I don’t ever need to hear it again. (The production and tune, as remembered in my brain, were better than the real thing. Isn’t that always the way?)

Another place to find rarities, occasionally, is sonicx.com. I found a lot of live Spoon and some amusing Pulp B-sides, including one where Jarvis Cocker asks, “Can I Have My Balls Back, Please?” Some of the finds there are just snippets, but there are some interesting remixes, too.

I used to scour Epitonic, but their new site hates my malware blockers. I probably got all the good stuff from there, anyway. Music blogs are also a good source for rare and interesting stuff, such as 3hive.com (one of my my favourites) and Tuning:Choonage.

This post is dedicated to Jared (Smith), Butcher of Song. If you recognize the reference, you are old and have been online too long.

 

A Gallery Of Amusing Signs

Nothing deep or philosophical here, just some silly signs.

No beans for YOU!

That’s darn cheap, these days!

Bow wow! Yip yip! Heh heh.

Ten points if you nail one!

You have to have your priorities in order.

*snicker*

Speaking of behinds, beware of hippo poop flinging:

Indeed, that’s sofa king cold for sure!

Look, even Hell froze over.

The Joy Of Spam: Making The Most Out Of Something Annoying

Since I have been online for over a decade (actually much longer), it comes as no surprise that I get SPAM. About 100 a day on average, most of which spam filters hide from me, and more on weekends when the spammers really get going. I get spam in all languages. I get spam from the “President of the United States” and “Billz E. Gates”! I get spam that looks like a team of drunken monkeys typed it with their balls, and what is being sold and why is often completely undecipherable.

It’s time to celebrate the benefits of spam!

1. If you are a writer, fake names harvested from Spam make great character names. Then again, there are the unintentionally hilarious computer-generated monikers: “Schmuck G. Deriding, Iroquoian L. Biscuit, Zirconium H. Coquetted,Vealed C. Certitude, Abusiveness O. Solitude, Cursoring U. Bayonet, Disabling Condom, Kangaroo D. Castanet, Withering A. Footstool, Bombay Dyslexic, Disallows H. Bootstrap, Epidermis V. Manhunt, Frescoes S. Congo, Vegetated H. Febrile, Vacillating K. But,” just to name a few that another blogger (Phillip LaPlante) noted.

2. You can learn new 1337speak variations, especially how to spell VIAGRA and CIALIS with symbols and numbers…or, as LaPlante commented, appreciate that “subject lines can contain similar kinds of whimsy, or rely on the human brain to “i n t rp rit the c rr ct meening.”

3. You can play “Punk’d” with Nigerian scammers. There are actually entire websites that do nothing but share Nigerian 411 scammer punkings. Total strangers do not offer large sums of money, in general, to people via e-mail. I mean, would YOU do it? The only legitimate response is to string them along and ask for naked or embarrassing pictures with them wearing a shoe on their head and holding signs saying “I like tiny cupcakes” or something equally lame written on them.

4. You can keep up with the latest Urban Legends without going to snopes.com. I’m still waiting for Bill Gates to send me on an all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland for filling out his way awesome survey, or for an animated Tweety Bird to walk across my screen because I responded to a total stranger’s e-mail that swore it would happen. Except I’m not. I don’t even like Disneyland or Tweety Bird.

5. You can participate in slacktivism by not signing petitions or reading chain mail. You have achieved the same result, but have expended no valuable time or attention to the problem at all! Conservation of resources is good.

6. Speaking of chain mail, you can bring 40 people bad luck by refusing to forward on their lame chain letter.

7. If you have penis envy, all the mail targeted to penis owners will cure you of that. Apparently penises are never long enough, wide enough, hard enough or functional enough, and you need all manner of pills and herbs to keep them operational. I think I’ll just stick to borrowing one once in a while from very close friends.

8. Speaking of friends, now you can meet lots of new naked friends! I get sent at least twelve porn links a day from naked people. I can’t go a day without a spammer intent upon infesting my computer with pop-ups and malware from an awesome porn site. Hold me back!

9. You can correct bad grammar, and keep your skills up to date. This is like shooting large fish in a small barrel. It is often more challenging to find a sentence in spam that is not a grammatical nightmare.

10. Word salad spam is particularly amusing, as it can often resemble William S. Burroughs-style “cut and paste” beat poetry. Enigmatic technicolour doorknob! Restless meerkat harbls! Antiquated velveteen renal foyer macadamias! Pickled milkshake Siberian antimacassar doughnuts! Constipated mongeese Cousteau sunshine wounded! Baffled fruit cocktail Batman fungoid cylinders! Rumpled nanosecond terrycloth pantaloons! Sensitized furniture millennium dentifrices!What does it all mean? I feel more wise and intellectual and artsy already.

11. You can stay informed about politics that were last relevant in 2004, or read 12 messages a day from people claiming to be Barack Obama. I still get pro-John Kerry spam. Dudes, I was really pissed off a few years ago, too, but it is time to let it go. I’m pretty sure Kerry has.

12. If you have too much money, you can buy stocks from spammers. I always trust unsolicited financial advice I get from total strangers who can’t spell!

13. If you still have too much money, you can refinance your mortgage, even if you don’t actually have a mortgage. Is that awesome or what?

14. Still looking for ways to get rid of all those pesky dollars clogging your wallet? There’s always Internet Gambling! You are guaranteed to win! Those gambling sites aren’t in it to take your money at all. Awesome!

15. I am particularly impressed by phishing attempts to scam me out of, for example, my eBay data when I haven’t used eBay in years and am no longer an account holder at the site (as far as I know). ZOMG, my non-existent account has been compromised! Maybe “I” will win some cool auctions and have interesting packages arrive at my door. Dumbasses.

16. The celebrity gossip spam is also pretty cool, especially since I rarely pay attention to celebrities and have no idea who half of these supposedly famous people are. By spamming me with celebrity gossip, I stay “in the know” without even having to glance at the tabloids when I check out at the grocery store. However, since I don’t know who most of these people are, or simply don’t give a crap, why should I click those enticing links? I don’t care who “Shia LeBoeuf” is dating. (I’d swear that was a made-up name, but it rings a bell. I don’t know if it is a he or she, though. It has no relevance to my life.)

17. The pseudo-intellectual spam is also pretty nifty. LaPlante quoted one of his favourites:”To ensure the equality of the diagonals, we make use of a little testing-rod. Thus the body has the same energy as a body of mass on a Euclidean and Non-Euclidean Continuum. The surface of a marble table is spread out in front of me.” This text is then followed by instructions to get low prices on little blue pills.

18. MySpace had its own special spam, remember? I got spam for free gift cards, fugly designer crap, and more naked people. (These people now spam pictures of awful athletic shoes and overpriced heels and try to get people to fall for ‘free gift cards’ on Facebook.) Anyway, there sure are a lot of naked people out there. I see a naked person for free every day, man.

19. Learn Spamlish! I get ten spam-mails a day that say strange crap like “Buadtzy your mmpnllhdjmreds hyhsjijtnfonline.” (An actual quote.) Say what? I think that translates to “Click on me and verify your e-mail address is legitimate! Send me all your money!”

20. Learn what not to search for via GoogHoo, and you won’t get as much cool spam. Spam works like Darwin Awards to week out the weak and gullible! If you don’t have enough spam, here’s how to get some: search for free crap online.

The 8 Most Dangerous Search Terms:

  • Free screensavers
  • Bearshare
  • Screensavers
  • Winmx
  • Limewire
  • Download Yahoo Messenger
  • Lime wire
  • Free ringtones

Across all searches, up to 6 percent of the sites were flagged as dangerous, notes the BBC. “Even a single visit to a dangerous site can have serious and lasting implications for the average internet user,” Edelman and Rosenbaum wrote in their report.

(While we’re at it, don’t be stupid and use an easily-guessed password anywhere.

The top 10 most common passwords:

  • Your user name
  • Your user name followed by 123
  • 123456
  • password
  • 1234
  • 12345
  • passwd
  • 123
  • test
  • 1

Yes, people do this. Argh! I had to keep my mother from choosing one of the variations on this list.)

21. If you have spam, you have a guaranteed hot topic to bitch about and most people will happily bitch right along with you. Spam creates unity and agreement!

22. No free lunches! You could probably rid yourself of 99% of your spam by adding a mail filter that scans for the word “free” and immediately zorches with extreme prejudice any email you get that includes that word. Of course, there would be some false positives. Train your friends to never use the word “free,” then. Or “viagra.” Or “teens.” Easy! Or you can be like me and never check your email until all your buddies get mad at you and stop emailing you. Then all you ever have in your INBOX is spam, and can just “delete all” without reading anything. What a time saver!

23. Spammers NEVER get my name right. This is an easy way to zorch the tardburgers who try to sell me pills for my non-existent penis. As a bonus, I get to collect new and improved misspellings of my real name and a bunch of wacky new aliases. Do you think I can be “Kangaroo D. Castanet”? I kind of like that one.

24. Wow, free legal software! I believe that I can get the entire Macromedia suite, or all Adobe products or MicroSmurf Vista X, on dialup, no less, just by clicking a link! Rock on! I’ll be sure to trust this unsolicited spam mail from a total stranger who wants to send me to “http://totallylegalforrealio.xxxpornware.org.” They are only thinking of my well-being and such, of course.

25. Free empty flattery and friendships! I get told via spam every day that I am someone’s friend, or a smart shopper, or clever investor, or super sexy. Wow! They really know me!

So, hey, spam is great! Love your spam.

Since all spammers are going to be poked in the eye with lemon-and-tabasco-dipped spikes and roasted over flaming pits of brimstone while boy bands serenade them for all eternity, at least once they die, you can rest assured that ignoring spam is your mission from God. Put on your sunglasses, grab your smokes, and brush up on the Blues.

The flaw with ignoring spam, alas, is that it doesn’t give up and go away. If I ignore the Jehovah’s Witnesses who traipse through my ‘hood every other week or so, and refuse to stop whatever far more interesting activity I am engaged in to get up and answer the door, they eventually stop knocking and ringing the bell and wander off to bug someone else. If only spam was as accommodating.