On Being A Small Blue Dot In A Dark Red, Theocratic State

Just for fun, since I am doing some long-overdue digital housekeeping, here’s an article from 2007. This is, you’ll note, before Barack Obama was elected President. You may want to keep that part in mind when you read (that, and this is dated; I don’t get newspapers dumped on my lawn anymore–if you stop paying them, they do eventually cut it out–and those unwanted Pennysaver rags can’t be stopped by anything short of a very, VERY high wall).

HERE’S THE OLD STUFF:

I’ve also been catching up on the massive pile of newspapers–the newspapers I didn’t want and which rarely arrive (or which get swiped before I go fetch them from the puddles in the driveway, where they always end up)–and which are 90% adverts. Somehow a WTOC “news” paper ended up in the reading spot instead of being pitched, unread, into a bin. Each time I have attempted to read it, it makes me develop frown wrinkles.

WTOC 11 is one of a handful of local “news” channels, and, I’m 99% sure, they are responsible for the advert I groused about previously, which involved a rich white guy standing behind a White Baby Jesus nativity scene and reading ponderously from The Bible, which started airing in October, thus earning two frownie marks at once. October is for Hallowe’en (and my birthday), but not for pushing Christmas down my throat before I’m out of overpriced, undersized Tootsie Pops. Also, not everyone down here is Christian, though it sometimes sure seems like it. Maybe I’m grumpy, but it seems foolish for a supposedly unbiased news channel to air religious propaganda. Since they are FOX NEWS-lite, though, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.

To my surprise and delight, though I couldn’t find the original article online (their website is terrible), I did find a comment from someone at Fort Stewart (military, of course) who grumped about another article Bill Cathcart (the article writer, and The Highest Muckity Muck at the station) penned wherein Cathcart misinterpreted Dennis Kucinich’s recent nay vote (unrelated to the article I’m grumping about, but intended to spark discussion about the “real” reasons behind the Iraq war and 9/11 and so on, from what I gathered) and wound up talking about Christianity for the last 2/3 or the article, which had fuck all to do with anything. The military guy patiently posted the more accurate details about the Kucinich vote and then complained that the pro-GOP and pro-Jesus stuff was really unnecessary. Word. And all the more “word” because, lo and behold, it proves that at least one of the many military d00dz in Jesusland is capable of having a lick of sense, and thinking for himself. (Imagine how popular he must be among his peers. Poor guy.)

Enjoy the article, which I have transcribed for your pleasure, and which would otherwise be lost to the mists of time (even the Wayback Machine failed me):

“Like the continual drip of a rusted faucet, ridiculous actions never cease. Two more servings of compost scooped from the heap. Several high school students in ever-progressive Boulder, Colorado, walked out of their classrooms to protest the daily recitation of the Pledge Of Allegiance, which includes, of course, our much-cherished tribute to God’s guidance. These left-ward youngsters chose to recite, instead, their own secular version, claiming that ours violates the Constitution’s “separation” clause, which, as you well know, does not exist.”

ZOMG! Two teenagers not wanting to pray at school! The horror! How “ridiculous”! What “compost”!

Shall we take bets on where Cathcart stands on the Creationism v. Evolution battlelines? No?

And when did “progressive” become a BAD thing? Honestly?

“Look, you want to write your own wedding vows, have at it. But you do not edit the American citizen’s pledge of loyalty to suit your own Mother Earth needs. Chalk up another one to social studies replacing history classes, and our trendy micro-focus on self. Forget our country; it’s me that counts. And, oh, by the way, God, thanks for the earth and stuff, but we’ve got it handled, so we’re cutting you loose.” 

First, let us applaud Cathcart’s generous offer to allow people to write their own vows without his disapproval. What a great guy!

Whereas I do agree that “micro-focus on self” is a problem a lot of kids seem to be afflicted with these days, and it is something I might fuss about in the future, I disagree that it runs hand in hand with Gaea worship (or that this might be wrong, as religion is a personal thing, thanks). I also resent the constant reminder, by fundies, that they take the whole Genesis thing really, really literally.

“Colorado requires its schools to read the Pledge daily over the PA. Students may either recite or stand quietly. So, with their Constitutional objection bogus, kids opting out, or even refusing to simply listen to our Pledge, must either be confused about where they are, or prefer to commit their allegiance to some other nation or galaxy. Ah, the sweet arrogance of youth.”

You can bet that if the school recited a “Gaea pledge” every morning that Cathcart would be railing against this just as strenuously as he is railing against the students who are trying to find a middle ground where they can still pledge allegiance to America without bringing someone else’s religious beliefs into it. Because they don’t want to pledge allegiance to someone else’s God, they are automatically bad kids. I don’t agree.

Some “other nation or galaxy”? What the eff?

“And speaking of professing allegiance to a nation other than America, according to a just-released Opinion Dynamics voter poll, 5% of Republicans, 7% of Independents and 19% of Democrats feel that the world would be better off if the United States lost the war in Iraq! Incredible and despicable. Talk about being self-possessed, or more likely, just plain possessed. While they have a right to that opinion, they should be absolutely ashamed to have it, given that this foolishness is just all about punishing President Bush. Our country and its future be damned.”

Note the TINY percentage of people who disagree with Cathcart’s point of view, here, and it is STILL pissing him off, though he graciously allows that they have the right to disagree. Even so, he just knows that they feel this way because they are out to punish Bush. There could be no other reason for their opinion. Furthermore, since they are so wrong-headed, they should be ashamed! SHAME on them for holding a different opinion, because clearly that also means they don’t give a crap about Amurika and where it is going.

Or, conversely, maybe they care A LOT, and didn’t like seeing tens of thousands of people dying for a trumped-up war that has produced no WMDs and where the trigger point was ostensibly 9-11, something NO Iraqis have been tied to, ever. (But the Saudis are our political buddies, you know.)

He can NOT stand it that even a small handful of people, of all political persuasions, disagree with him (and Bush). How can they not see the WISDOM and RIGHTNESS of the war? How can they say it would be okay to LOSE? How HORRIBLE and un-American!

GAH! People like this drive me crazy.

“By the way, those ex-patriots might want to remember that wish when the center of their city is in ruins, since a loss in Iraq clearly beckons further attacks here.”

Oh, CLEARLY. Because Iraqis flew planes into buildings, you know. And killing as many of them you can get your hands on will stop the random handful of nutburgers who embarrass their less-crazed neighbors by kamikazi-ing into stuff for the promise of seventy virgins and a mess of figs and honey in the afterlife.

Maybe losing the war would be unpleasant, but since we foolishly got into that mess on false pretenses in the first place, I don’t know that sticking it out is going to magically make things all better.

“Beyond un-American and pro-terrorist, defeat-at-any-price is imbecilic. Our loss there would be catastrophic, for Iraq, for the Middle East, for Europe, for the United States. To actually embrace defeat, people have to be out of their minds. Oh, wait, that’s it. They are! And they don’t belong in this country.”

ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Translation: “You disagree with me? You are crazy, and you need to leave the country.” Sir, if you will pay for my relocation, I will gladly take you up on your kind non-offer.

Now, let’s discuss.

Separation of church and state is a political and legal idea usually identified with the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, which states that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…

The phrase building a wall of separation between church and state was written by Thomas Jeffersonin a January 1, 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association. (Wikipedia)

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” thus building a wall of separation between Church & State.” (Thomas Jefferson)

… no man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burthened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief; but that all men shall be free to profess, and by argument to maintain, their opinion in matters of religion, and that the same shall in no wise diminish enlarge, or affect their civil capacities. (James Madison)

What Cathcart is saying (which is actually true) is that the exact phrase “separation of church and state” itself does not appear in the Constitution, but, on the other hand, he’s a bit wrong-headed as well, as it has been quoted in several opinions handed down by the United States Supreme Court.

The phrase “separation of church and state” became a definitive part of Establishment Clause jurisprudence in Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1 (1947), a case which dealt with a state law that allowed the use of government funds for transportation to religious schools.

While the ruling upheld that the state law (allowing federal funding of religious schools) as constitutional, Everson was also the first case to hold the Establishment Clause applicable to the state legislatures as well as Congress, based upon the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.

In 1962, the Supreme Court extended this analysis to the issue of prayer and religious readings in public schools. In Engel v. Vitale 370 U.S. 421 (1962), the Court determined it unconstitutional by a vote of 6-1 for state officials to compose an official school prayer and require its recitation in public schools, even when it is non-denominational and students may excuse themselves from participation.

As such, any teacher, faculty, or student can pray in school, in accordance with their own religion. However, they may not lead such prayers in class, or in other “official” school settings such as assemblies or programs, including even “non-sectarian” teacher-led prayers. […]

The court noted that it “is a matter of history that this very practice of establishing governmentally composed prayers for religious services was one of the reasons which caused many of our early colonists to leave England and seek religious freedom in America.”

In short, Cathcart is both right, in that the exact phrase does not appear in the particular document he cites, and wrong, in that he seems to be wilfully ignoring what our Founding Fathers intended and what more enlightened laws have underscored since.

What always boggles me is how Righty Whitey Christian Americans, generally speaking, are not in favour of other theocracies world-wide, but are all in favour of having one here. When Kennedy was running for office, a vicious tide of anti-Papist / anti-Catholic rhetoric spewed forth like sewage from a leaky pipe. Guess what? Since the majority of rich white people in charge of things at the time were not Catholic, suddenly they became more amenable to the idea of separation of Church and State, because they genuinely feared that Kennedy’s religious beliefs would interfere with his Presidential duties. They were more amenable, because their idea of religion was not shared by, arguably, the then most powerful man in the country.

Now that the arguably currently most powerful man in this country is a Born Again ex-cokehead Righty Whitey idjit who feels the need to inflict his religion on the country as a whole, the rich white dudes in power think separation of Church and State is now a BAD idea. Wonder why.

My prediction: we are going to be hearing how separation of Church and State “doesn’t really exist” or it is a bad idea UNTIL, by a miracle, some non-Protestant person is elected as President. And with the level of political corruption in this country, do you really think that will happen any time soon? Honestly? Right now, generally speaking, it supposedly “looks pretty good” for Democrats. This, I am telling you, will bring out some of the most vicious, underhanded, pro-Jesus flagwaving xenophobic mutts you ever saw during the next Presidential campaign.

What I’d love is a President who gets into office (without help from governor brothers, denying African Americans their vote, or friendship with the guy who OWNS Diebold) as a WASP-acceptable candidate and then converts to Judaism, which is a religion most of my sane friends practice, or something else that would make the rich white Jesus freaks go bananas. We might even get some “no backsies” laws that might actually stick that make it crystal clear that the State has no damn business dabbling about with religion of any stripe or type.

Last time the issue went before the Supreme Court, they punted, all the better to avoid truly clarifying the damn policy once and for all.

Sadly, I can not predict with certainty that we’ll have a Dem in office next go ’round, because the frontrunners, last I checked, are either female or black, and there are enough folks out there who are uncomfortable with both or either to potentially jigger the election for whoever the Repubz decide to nominate.

Do I personally think Jesus is “bad”? No, actually. I also know plenty of people who are devout and not hypocritical about it, and they don’t see the need to convert everyone else to their point of view, because they have the sense to understand that religious belief is deeply personal and private.

Some websites you may find interesting:


Americans, generally speaking, do not like or want to try to understand other theocracies, often nattering on about how wrong-headed and foolish those beliefs are, and comparing their own flavour of (usually) Christianity favorably to those other beliefs. As has been done for centuries, a particular type of Christian is really not into “live and let live” when it comes to competing religious beliefs. Not satisfied with their own personal salvation and religious beliefs, they feel the need to force everyone else to think and feel the same exact way, and to accept the same view of God as they have. I never understood that.

I especially don’t understand it when it involves two earnest, buzzcut-sporting, zitty teens in neckties (riding bikes) who insist on waking me up on the weekend.

I don’t understand the kind of mind that condemns the entire Muslim religion based on the actions of a handful of fanatical Muslim assrods, while conveniently neglecting to recall offenses a handful of fanatical Christian assrods have perpetrated throughout the ages.

I don’t understand the kind of mind that is so xenophobic and jingoistic as to say things like “America! Love it or leave it!” while forgetting that America is about preserving personal freedoms and rights, as long as those do not infringe upon other people’s freedoms and rights. Technically. Officially. Well, that’s what they keep telling us.

And meanwhile they are also forgetting that a lot of other countries sincerely hate our American guts, and don’t want any of the average American personality types to soil their country. Given that I don’t like the average American and average American interests (including political ignorance, dislike of reading, spelling and grammar, choices in mostly crap entertainment, their mostly crap musical preferences, their mostly crap etiquette, especially their crap dating behavior, overly indulgent or completely hands-off parenting, pro-tanorexic fashion, anti-intellectualism, false piety combind with judgmental behavior when faced with anyone who falls into the “other” category, materialism, use of animals / babies as accessories, and so on and so on) much myself, I can’t really blame them.


I guess I am incredibly angry that, say, Paris Hilton merits even one line of press, whereas actual NEWS news is considered too “unsexy” to bother with at all. (Example: I’m irritated that I even know “New York” is a person as well as a place, though what she does or contributes to the world, well, THAT I do not know.) And we’re infecting the rest of the world with the same crap values (though, to be fair, the UK has us beat where it comes to the “build ’em up then tear ’em down” trivial non-news “reporting” and publishing).

I guess if you say “we’re the best country on Earth” often enough, some folks really start to believe it. I’d say the truth somewhere in the middle: that we do a lot of things right and our intentions are generally good, but we mess up in a lot of areas, too, and you can’t acknowledge one side, the side where we do something really right, without also admitting to the other side, the one where…hoo boy!…have we ever got some work to do.

I think I need some caffeine and a lie down.

END OF OLD STUFF.

Okay.

Did you catch that bit about how it would be hilarious if we got a President in office who announced he wasn’t Christian? Well, instead we got a Christian that the conservative nutbags among us keep swearing is really a Secret Muslim.

It is probably best that we didn’t enrage the crazy people by having him announce he was giving up bacon permanently and converting to Judaism, after all.

 

 

 

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An Entire Cable Channel About GOLF?!

Today I learned that there is an entire cable channel devoted to golf. A whole channel, with golf competitions, Golf Talk, Golf News, and, for all I know, golf ”fashion” shows, golf course tours and travel shows, and golfing sitcoms set at country clubs. Maybe there are even golf movies played every week, with ”Caddyshack” and that Adam Sandler movie I forgot the name of being featured prominently.

I can’t imagine how appealing the Golf Talk shows must be. ”Here’s an old white dude putting a small dimpled ball into a hole. Here’s another old white dude not quite managing to putt a ball into a hole. Here’s a rare minority person, also attempting to hit a ball with a stick so that it goes into a hole.”.

Fascinating stuff.

The most exciting things about golf:

1. Tiger Woods being a jerk, though that forced us all to endure lame jokes like “Tiger is a lion cheetah.”

2. Phil Mickleson being a jerk, whining about paying his fair share of taxes when he earns in a single year about 400x what you or I will earn in our entire lives.

3. The Masters being collectively a bunch of jerks, denying membership to women, and having a weird fixation on boxy jackets in a shade of green not ordinarily seen anywhere unless it is St. Patrick’s Day.

A whole channel about golf. I can’t even.

Baddiwad Foot Commercials Must Die

ERMAGERD, stop showing me manky, flaky, stinky, ashy, horny, lumpy, grubby, disgusting feet in foot care product commercials! CallousClear and PedEgg, I am calling you out. I’m not normally grossed out by feet, but you’re putting my tolerance to the test.

I don’t even know how an able-bodied adult’s feet can get that gross. Do they hire desperate homeless people with crappy shoes to pose for them in exchange for a cheeseburger or something? I mean, you’d think you’d have to be walking practically barefoot on every manner of filth one can find outdoors, and then not have easy access to a shower for weeks on end to wind up with those nasty trotters.

I can’t imagine what the ad buyer was thinking. ”It’s 7AM on Saturday morning, when most normal people are still unconscious in bed. Let’s treat the insomniacs, old people and small children to some real merzky, grazzy, grahzny, strazky nagoy nogas, o my droogies.” That’s a real horror show, not horrorshow at all, my brethren, and not appreciated on an empty tummiwum.

I’m just saying.

Some Funny ‘Overheard’ Conversations

I love the “overheard in…” communities, even if they make me feel bad about the level of stupidity and oddness going on all the time. No one place is immune. When I was in college, I took a long bus ride home and listened to a fascinating story about a crazy family who lived in a cave in Ohio, were stalked by goats, and threw their kids out of the cave if they mouthed off. The frightening thing is that the storyteller seemed sincere.

The world is a weird, wacky place.

Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations

Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hoooo…
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating — that’s bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won’t say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin’ just fine. She’s all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of Windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other.
Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?
He sprays the Windex.
Hobo: Or Spring?
He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.
Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.

Chick: How come we’re always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um…This is “Introduction to Jewish-American Literature.”
Chick: …Yeah, but still.

Girl #1: I’m funny.
Girl #2: No you’re not.
Girl #1: Yes I am. Everyone says I’m hilarious.
Girl #2: Of course they do. That’s because you aren’t pretty.

Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn’t working out. I guess I’m not over Jessica.
Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I’m a hairdresser. How original. Just because I’m a hairdresser you think I’m gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you fucking Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.

Chick #1: Dude, everyone’s popping out babies these days. JLo, TomKat, Britney. It’s like they’re the new fucking accessory.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a fucking baby anyway? You just turn into a fatass with stretch marks and saggy tits with a screaming infant who no one wants to be around.
Very pregnant passenger: I’m due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?

Girl #1: Ben’s hot, but I think he’s gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: … I don’t think he’s gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: … What?

Middle-aged woman: Tradition brings us all together and makes us feel close.
Twenty-something woman: That’s not the tradition; it’s the Jack Daniels.

Girl #1: As Shakespeare once said: “Thou shall not kill.”
Girl #2: No, that would be God.

Girl on cell: Wait, was this the eating disorder cousin or the crack dealer cousin?…Oh, she’s having a baby? Wow, I hope it doesn’t die.

Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: “Bam” doesn’t blow up, “bam” makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can’t defeat that!

Guy #1: I’d totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I’d hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Woman on cell: No, I mean, whatever. I cried for that baby when it died and all. Shit! I even went to its funeral and the damn thing wasn’t even born! Who the fuck has a funeral for a baby that wasn’t even born?…Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, I’m sure as hell not going to a birthday party for a baby whose funeral I went to a year ago. That is fucking morbid…and they had better not be expecting presents.

Drunk guy #1: What’s the closest star to Earth?
Drunk girl: The Sun!
Drunk guy #2: No… It’s Alpha Centauri.
Drunk girl: I just don’t think I can agree with you on that. Anyway, Alpha Centauri is a galaxy!
Drunk guy #2: Let’s bet on it.
Drunk girl: Okay. But only money. No sexual favors.

Small child, trying a Sprite: I don’t like it.
Dad: If you don’t like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I’ve heard that one before.

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn’t know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It’s not a burqa, it’s a poncho. I’m Jewish. It’s for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won’t be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: …first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you —
Girl #2: I know what you’re about to ask, and the answer is “my 17th birthday” again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I’m just like that too. But really it’s because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It’s the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I’d want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”

Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!

Slutty girl: My high school history teacher ate my pussy. Then the science teacher. He ate my pussy. Then in college my freshman philosophy professor and my junior year economics professor, they ate my pussy.
Practical girl: You need to put out a Zagat guide to your twat.

Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don’t like that.
Woman: Shut up. That’s not true.
Little boy: If it isn’t, then why did it say “Jason and Trish, together forever” on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!

Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!

No One Knows How To Keep Their Voices Down in the Office, Either

Chick: Nice flowers!
Dude: Yeah, I had a bad day yesterday and treated myself. You ever have one of those?
Chick: Yeah, but I just drink.

Sales guy: I went to a funeral once, and everyone there got a packet of the cremated remains.
Sales girl: That’s a nice parting gift!
Sales guy: Well, we were all supposed to disperse them somewhere. Mine sat on my mantle for about a month. Then I finally threw it away.
Sales girl: You sent the person to the dump?! So wrong! So wrong!

Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I’m sorry, I can’t shake your hand.
Lawyer: What’s your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that… I’d help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won’t you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn’t wash your hands. That’s just disgusting.

Boss: So see if you can find these people’s email addresses.
Intern: …You want me to find Desmond Tutu’s email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.

Boss: So, is there any other duty that you do on a daily basis that we should include on this list?
Worker: You mean other than miscellaneous bullshit?
Boss: Well, how much time do you spend on miscellaneous bullshit everyday?
Worker: Depending on the day, between 10 minutes and 8 hours.

Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen…without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: “You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now.”

Co-worker #1: What’s a carpet muncher? Is that a new slang for vacuum cleaner?
Co-worker #2: Um, no. He, he, he. I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you ask the boss for a carpet muncher.
Co-worker #1: Why? I don’t have carpeting.

Teller: I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I’ll feel like I’m. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?

Suit #1: So, you feeling better today?
Suit #2: Man, I’m never eating Indian again.
Suit #1: Can’t have been that bad.
Suit #2: It’s just not manly to pee out your bum.

You’re Not Safe From Them At The Beach

Boy: Dad, who’s more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn’t his father?

Teen boy to friend: Don’t trust women — they have vaginas. It’s where they keep all their secrets and lies!

Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left…Yes, the freeway ends….Because the continent ends, dipshit.

Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They’re in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.

Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!

Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I’m sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I’m a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it’s good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I’m sure it can’t.
Guy: Well then, how ’bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?

American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn’t that bad. But you made the Japanese “fuck you” gesture with your hands.

Beach patrol: Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to put on your top. This is not a “clothing optional”beach.
Man sitting with topless woman: Leave her alone. She is trying to get a full body tan.
Beach patrol: Sir, I think you are asking quite a bit from the sun.

Chubby twink: The ’80s called, they want their lipstick back.
Chick in black with bright red lipstick: Your boyfriend called, he thinks you’re fat.
Chubby twink runs off crying, chick in black lights a smoke.

Fat lady screaming: Taneesha! Homegirl, get yo’ ass in here and see this! There be more sand up in my vah-jay-jay than the Saharia desert!

Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks?
Guy: … Huh?
Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks…
Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks.
Bimbette: Then, like… How do they get bigger?
Guy: [Silence.]
Bimbette: Like, what do they eat?

Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?
Boy #2: What security?
Boy #3: What bouncer?
Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.
Boy #2: There was no security dude.
Boy #1: … Then who the hell was that guy?!
Boys #2 and #3 laugh hysterically.

Group of valley girls, giggling: So you’re bisexual, right?
Girl with piercings and multi-colored hair: Ummm… Yeah…?
Group of valley girls: So, what does that mean?!
Girl with piercings and multi-colored hair: Holy shit… Okay, you know what? Go ask your preacher.

Swedish guy: Are you the hippies?
Dreadlock guy: I guess so.
Swedish guy: So, you hippies, do you have the orgies?
Dreadlock girl: Um… We decide that on a hippie by hippie basis.
Swedish guy: Oh, because you say ‘Yes,’ and I sign up now.

Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I’m so excited!
Girl #2: Oh, man, that’s so cool! I want to get mine done, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, I’ll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.
Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced — do you think that’s weird?
Girl #2: What’s a clit?

Teen boy: Fucking faggots!
Gay Man: How can he tell I’m gay?
Gay Woman: How can he tell I’m a lesbian? What, do we exude a flamboyantly-homosexual aura or something? Fuck, we’re cuddling with a member of the opposite gender, and people still know we’re gay! Damn, it’s like P.E. class all over again.

The Duh, It Ows, And It Is Everywhere!

Crazy lady: Oh, no! Those teenagers did not just steal my outhouse!

Mom: We can’t have ice cream. You just had candy at the movie.
Little girl: Mom, you are such a gutter-skank.
Mom, flabbergasted: What did you say?! What did you call me?! Where did you hear that term?!
Little girl: Dad.

Blonde to friend: You know that guy I was going out with? He told me he was going out with me because he liked blondes, and I thought, ‘I’m not a blonde,’ but then I remembered I was… But that’s not a good enough reason to go out with me.

Really happy college chick: So many people will die. You know why? The demons are hungry. When you die they eat your soul. They’re hungry and they aren’t happy about it, so people have to die.

Chick: So, what are your irrational fears?
Dude: Well, I’m afraid of that song. You know, the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt one. I mean, ‘that’s my name, too’? What does that mean?! I mean, think about its larger sociological implications. That just freaks me out.

Beholder: You are not a beholder, buddy.
Non-beholder: Nah, dude. I’m pretty sure I behold.

Drunk guy with pink hat: You guys should totally use chop sticks — it’s so pussy not to.
Hippie, light-heartedly: We’re trying to save some trees.
Drunk guy with pink hat: Do you have any idea how many geese I killed today? 12.

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach, I want to wish you and Jenny many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

Pregnant, tattooed hipster: This is killing me. How can I go without ink for nine months?
Tattooed hipster friend: Oh, I know.

Guy #1: I totally told her I wasn’t with anyone else on my cruise, but I clearly slept with another girl!
Guy #2: Victory!

College dude #1: What are those birds that fucking talk?
College dude #2: Parrots?
College dude #1: No, that’s what my teacher said… Ravens! That’s right!
College dude #2: Ravens talk? That’s like Edgar Allen Poe shit or something.
College dude #1: No, dude, they for real only say like one word, though.
College dude #2: imitating a raven: Aquafina!
College dude #1: Yeah, dude! ‘Aquafina!’ Only I’d make mine say, ‘Radiator.’

Woman #1: How do you spell ‘rarely’?
Woman #2: R-A-I-R-L-E-E… Here, maybe I should fill that out.

Lady with mic: Nothing is more powerful than Jesus! He die; he get up!

Lady hobo: Man, you is the biggest crackhead I ever met.
Giant hobo, muttering incoherently: No, man, I ain’t no crackhead. I ain’t no crackhead.
Lady hobo: N*gga, you smoke drywall!

Young mother to five-year-old daughter: Morgan! Come here! Do you remember that film we watched about perverts? Now hold my hand!

Guy on phone at leather bar: Yeah, I’m at a church social… doing the Lord’s work. I’ll be on my knees later.

Panhandler: Do you have any change? I need money. My old lady kicked me out. I need money for a penis… reduction… It’s too big, and she kicked me out. She said not to come back until–
Man: –No.

Man pushing wheelchair lady, singing: Handicap, handicap, oh handy handy handy…

Bathroom-bound tech woman: Are you following me? Not that many people follow me at my age.
Tech guy: No. I’m more of the ‘call-is-coming-from-inside-the-house’ kind of guy.

Celebrity Stupidity

MBA guy: Did you see that George Clooney’s pig died?
MBA gal: I’ll be his pig if he wants. Oink, oink!

Eminem: Yo, I failed ninth grade three times, but I don’t think it was necessarily ’cause I’m stupid.

California senator Barbara Boxer: Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank god I’m still alive!’ But, of course, those who died — their lives will never be the same again.

Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: Why would they do that? Wouldn’t they think it was kind of painful?

PETA on global warming: The most powerful step that we can take as individuals to avert global warming is to stop eating meat, eggs, and dairy products.

Simon Cowell: It’s very fashionable to be in rehab.

 

Another Mass Shooting, Another Litany Of Pro-Gun Excuses.

Another mass shooting? You know what that means. We’ll discuss guns for a few days and then ignore the topic for the rest of the year (until the next mass shooting). Meanwhile, pro-gun people will swarm the Internet and TV channels pressing the usual old, tired talking points. We need to make absolutely sure we continue to learn nothing from this latest tragedy, all while wringing hands and expressing deep sorrow for the dead and bereaved. I tell you what…let’s cut to the chase, shall we? We’ve heard it all before. I bet news stations are dying to get back to covering really important things…like what the new Doritos flavor might be, the rad new films coming out this weekend at the Googleplex, or the latest crazy YouTube viral video.

A handy conservative / pro-gun person / gun nut trolling checklist:

1. Refuse to acknowledge correlation between gun culture with lax gun laws and constant news stories about mass murdering assholes shooting people.
2. Say nothing as pro-gun people decide, as always, to be the Civility Police and whine that the day to discuss gun issues is “not today.” But tomorrow isn’t good either. Yesterday? Nope: they’ll lie and say that these mass shootings are “rare” and that even considering a discussion about flaws with gun control in our country “punishes” responsible gun-owners! In short, it is never a good time to discuss the subject. Just how they like it.
3. Say nothing when pro-gun people bore and enrage us with the well-worn and grossly flawed assertion that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”
4. Say nothing when pro-gun people start comparing a crazy Chinese man stabbing 22 kids with a knife (none of whom, as far as I know, died) to the Newborn and Clackamas tragedies, where people were injured AND died, pretending that the knifings in China are in any way equivalent to the constant gun violence and mass shootings in the U.S.
5. Say nothing as religious trolls like Mike Huckabee start blaming “godlessness” for gun violence. Because bad things never happen to devout Christians, no mass shooter ever has been a Christian, and prayer can definitely stop a madman from spewing bullets at your five-year-old child.
6. Mitt Romney should pop up any moment now to blame single moms for gun violence again, like he did during the Presidential debates. Oh, wait; no, he won’t, so you need to whine that Romney’s comment is completely irrelevant to the discussion because he lost the election, and ignore what it says about the GOP that they nominated someone who could say that with a straight face.
7. Say nothing when pro-gun people start protesting that they are “responsible,” ergo should not be deprived of the right to own multiple AK-47s or semi-automatics capable of spraying dozens if not hundreds of bullets into crowds.
8. Say nothing about pro-gun people clinging to 2nd Amendment and interpreting it with great creativity, although gun tech at the time the 2nd Amendment was drafted was restricted to primitive muskets and the like.
9. Express zero concern as pro-gun people claim they need to arm themselves against the government, etc., even though the government has and always will have access to greater and more destructive firepower than any one citizen can get access to. Also, we definitely need more anti-government kooks arming themselves to the teeth.
10. Nod agreeably as pro-gun people cite the few cases where a gun owner justifiably shot someone trying to rob, harm or kill them, while ignoring that there may hve been an option other than deadly force, and while ignoring the many cases where a gun was accessed by a small child or unstable pre-pubescent and fired, where suicidal or homicidal people turned to guns rather than psychiatric intervention, where a gun discharged unexpectedly and hurt or killed someone, where a gun turned a domestic violence incident into a homicide, where bullets fired from guns on holidays like New Year’s Eve or the Fourth of July wounded or killed an innocent party, where guns were stolen and used to commit more violent crimes, where guns were accessible to a mentally imbalanced or impaired adult, where adult white men used guns to shoot non-white teenagers dead over minor disagreements, where easy civilian gun access makes criminals even more dangerous, where easy civilian gun access gets our law enforcement officers shot dead, where heavy reliance on guns makes our law enforcement officers more likely to kill unarmed civilians, or where a gun escalated what might have been a less serious dispute into a deadly confrontation.
11. Refuse to discuss ties between politicians–usually conservatives–and donations to and from NRA.
12. Refuse to discuss who refused to support gun restrictions and reasonable legislation intended to reduce ease of access to guns.
13. Refuse to discuss reluctance to offer the mentally troubled access to the care or meds they might need. In fact, you should whine more about affordable healthcare that covers mental issues.
14. Refuse to discuss gun show loopholes.
15. Refuse to consider proposals to enforce gun owner responsibility while claiming to already be responsible enough.
16. Assert that more guns would have prevented the problem, because kindergarteners packing Glocks and teachers bringing guns to school (workplace) is a great idea.
17. Ignore that MI just passed legislation approving of guns in schools.
18. Pretend that the shooter(s) were just crazy, and that access to guns didn’t make their issues worse.
19. Pretend that discussing the inarguable gun proliferation in the U.S. is akin to “wanting to take away” everyone’s guns, or that discussing the problem is equal to “stomping on 2nd Amendment rights.”
20. Indulge pro-gun people’s fantasies that if they were on site with their guns during one of these frequent mass shootings, that they’d be a hero and stop the carnage.
21. Ignore NRA’s agenda (sell more guns) and allow them to set the tone of all discussions about guns.
22. Post on Twitter, if you are a comedian, about how your 1st Amendment rights are stomped on if people respond unpleasantly to your hilarious jokes about dead children.
23. Continue to glorify guns in pop culture.
24. Drag Jesus into it some more, demanding that everyone pray for the dead and bereft, and claiming that the shooter wouldn’t have been the shooter if only he really loved Jesus enough.
25. Interview traumatized little kids on TV who just survived a school shooting that killed their classmates and teachers.
26. Clutch pearls for an entire 24 hour news cycle, and then drop the subject the next time Snooki says something stupid or a celebrity wears a nice outfit.
27. Don’t forget to drag political animus into the discussion, so you can cloud the issue with your hatred of anything a “liberal” or President Obama says or does.
28. Give desperately-sought attention to nasty partisan hacks like Coulter asserting that “more guns = less violence.”
29. Blame “violent media” like films, TV, video games, cartoons, music for gun violence, rather than blaming easy access to guns for gun violence.
30. Be sure to publicly announce your plans to go out and buy yourself a new gun or three “to defend yourself.” Stay scared, buy more guns, refuse to go to a range or take any gun safety courses to familiarize yourself with your weapons, just buy more.
31. Insist on increased, intrusive security measures so our schools and workplaces are more and more like prisons, while ignoring that reducing the amount of guns would make that kind of security less necessary in the first place.
32. Try to blame the parents of the dead children for not choosing to home-school them, or the parents of the shooters for gun violence, so people stop talking about how gun violence is directly tied to guns.
33. Blame society as a whole for gun violence, so people stop talking about how gun violence is directly tied to guns.
34. Continue to resist background check laws, and ignore stats that indicate that background checks, requiring people to use gun locks and to lock up guns, restricting access to guns, restricting access to more powerful and destructive guns with bigger clips, and enforcing waiting periods are useful steps that reduce gun violence.
35. Above all, pretend that gun culture isn’t really a big problem, and that it is just a teeny, tiny handful of bad people causing all the problems…on a nearly weekly basis…while wielding guns…but, hey, that’s purely a coincidence.

I discussed this on Facebook and got some good replies. I’d like to single out these:

Comment by E***** A***** D*****: The one you missed is their citing Switzerland as a culture where gun violence is low but the government arms adults with firearms, meanwhile forgetting to mention those are persons who have completed compulsory military conscription who have to account for ammunition in sealed boxes, that Switzerland although guaranteeing the right to own a firearm by law has the most restrictive gun regulations (e.g., licence renewal every 5 years, need to prove the need to own a firearm – hunting, sport, etc., ammunition sold under strictest of regulations, any hint of domestic violence (past and likelihood) results in no licence and the list continues. They make the best argument for regulations without even being aware of it! If you ever see the meme for Switzerland as a reason for allowing Gun Ownership, merely comment. We accept your terms and conditions, and will model our laws to mirror their laws. Glad to oblige you Gun Owners!

Comment by L** F****: Yeah. The thing that amazes me is that people freak out about the idea of stricter gun regulations when the Second Amendment explicitly advocates keeping and bearing arms in the context of “a well-regulated militia.” Unless you have had military training and had no record of mental instability in the military, you should have to join a citizen run gun club in order to own a gun, where you get basic training, and attend meetings on at least some sort of regular basis. Besides the fact that more safety education and training will be its own reward, there’s the added advantage that you are training with a bunch of people who have the opportunity to observe your behavior. If someone is mentally unstable, likely a fellow club member would notice it and be able to take appropriate action as far as whether they should have access to guns. It would also give a lot of at-risk young men an opportunity to find mentors and other community members who can be role models for them. I love how all these people who advocate personal responsibility whine incessantly about their Second Amendment rights but completely ignore their Second Amendment responsibilities.

10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed (A Sampler)

The site to see: http://www.10000reasons.org/

My (truncated!) List:

1. Bros and Bro-Hos
2. The worship of Paris Hilton and her ilk
3. The decline of literacy (i.e., more TVs than books in average household)
4. Spammers
5. Religious Right ignoring Separation of Church and State
6. One Billion Chinese To Acquire Vehicles (pollution is the problem, here)
7. Hole in Ozone Layer
8. Fashionable anorexia
9. Tanorexia
10. Apo’stro’phe Abu’se
11. LEETspeak used without irony
12. Yiffing
13. Bukkake / Hentai (see also: goatse.cx, and then there are people perpetually raising the bar on what’s considered ‘hot’)
14. NAMBLA
15. Mother Mary appearing on tacos, garages, interstate overpasses, chocolate pots and toast. (see also: Behold, Jesus In My Omelet! (ad nauseum) and JesusFish chrome bumper decorations)
16. The brouhaha over gay marriage. Let them get married. Sheesh.
17. Ann Coulter
18. Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura
19. Terrorists and the TSA making air travel even less pleasant, just when you thought that was impossible
20. Stupid baby names (I suspect no one named Mi’KayLeigh Neveah is going to win a Nobel Prize)
21. The RIAA chasing down impoverished college students
22. Antibiotic resistance in common diseases, MRSA
23. People who claim the Holocaust never happened
24. People who claim the moon landing never happened
25. Scientology
26. George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, Dick Morris and Bush cronies still somehow relevant to people.
27. Scary crap in our food, beverages and personal care products (Aspartame, GMOs, MSG, sodium laurel sulfate, high-fructose corn syrup, red dye made out of crushed beetle carapaces, many more)
28. The Transmogrification of Dennis Miller. Still so very saddened.
29. Cartoons thinly disguised as toy adverts
30. “Intelligent” Design
31. The return of the bubble skirt, arm warmers
32. Permanent body modifications considered trendy; a dumbass getting a Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face
33. Women’s magazines that force unrealistic beauty ideals on impressionable, insecure youth (See also: Label whoredom, $4,000 purses, increasing consumer debt)
34. Porn as mainstream trend (see also: pre-teens in “PORN STAR” shirts, anus bleaching, nether-hair removal services, Bi-sexuality turned into a fashionable trend, peroxided white-blonde hair considered attractive, breast implant surgery considered trendy, obsession with anal sex, obsession with thong underwear, inability to separate fiction as seen in porno from reality as encountered around other human beings, Girls Gone Wild videos, Viagra (etc.) pills and commercials for same damn near inescapable, much, much more)
35. Decline of civility and manners in the general public (see also: Baby Obsession, Road rage, Idiots Who Ruin Things For Everyone Else, Rude Mobile Phone abusers, People who think Jackassery is something cool to aspire towards, metal detectors in schools and hospitals, many, many more)
36. Frivolous lawsuits (i.e., Twinkie defense, PMS defense, burglars suing for injuries sustained when breaking into other people’s homes, etc.) and a different system of ‘justice’ for rich celebrities caught being rapists, murderers and pedophiles that non-famous rapists, murderers and pedophiles don’t receive
37. The condo-ification of major cities
38. McChains running mom and pop stores out of business
39. Rampant “sense of entitlement” disease spreading out of control
40. Increasing gap between the poorest and richest people on the planet
41. Noise pollution (see also: raprock, gangsta rap, nu-country and boybands)
42. Political correctness stretched to insane limits: be kind and thoughtful. That will do.
43. Materialism run amok
44. Pets as accessories (See: dogs as accessories, purse pooches, coordinating pet clothing), un-spayed/neutered pets, pets discarded when they become inconvenient, “breed trends” (rushes to buy certain breeds that were seen on TV or in a movie), abused animals, inadequately trained animals, illogical pet bans (e.g. ferrets in California and NYC, etc.), kids in college buying pets they will abandon after they graduate, general animal cruelty and mistreatment
45. Clear Channel Communications
46. It’s far easier and cheaper to eat horrible fast food, ramen and processed crap than it is to eat organic, healthy un-crap.
47. We’re all working more and enjoying it less. The “good life” is mainly causing me stress.
48. The amount of education required to get a damn job that can pay the buills is getting ridiculous. A few decades ago, college was a luxury. Now grad school is pretty much a necessity in most fields.
49. Taxation Without True Representation
50. The fact that I could rant for another day or two straight and not run out of things that are Just Plain Wrong with civilization.

Want to share your top reasons Civilization Is Doomed?

What If We Treated Children Like Some People Treat Their Pets?

I’m sure most of you are responsible pet owners and would never consider them expendable when inconvenient. You probably would never dream of strapping them to the roof of your car, either.

What if newspaper ran adverts like this:

I have had my sweet beautiful children for almost 6 months now. I love them with all my heart, but my circumstances have changed a few months ago. My new cats are MAJORLY allergic to them. We are trying to find the safest way to find a new home for them. I just can’t watch my cats sneeze all the time and get hives from the babies. Their doctors are saying the babies must go for the cats’ health. My children are indoor-only babies and I need to trust that the people who take them in will keep them indoors and spoil them as they are used to. How do I safely find a new home for them? Please help.

Please help. I’ve had my baby for several years now, but I’m now married and expecting a couple of new kittens in a few months. I hate to do it, because the baby is a member of our family and we love it, but I have to put the kittens’ needs first. Can anyone adopt my baby?

Or what if there were Hotlines and Shelters you could call? Their answering machine or outgoing message might sound like this:

Hello, You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:

Press 1 if you think we are pediatricians and want free medical advice.

Press 2 if you know we are a child rescue organization but want to save money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.

Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay you or your teenage children for free.

Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old son and your 15-year-old cat has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the son a new home right away.

Press 5 if you have three babies, got a cat and want to get rid of your babies because you are the only person in the world to have a cat and babies at the same time.

Press 6 if your baby is sick and needs a doctor but you need the money for your vacation.

Press 7 if you just had a brand new baby and your older child is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the older child right away.

Press 8 if your infant has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute baby who is active and is going to outlive you.

Press 10 if your relative has died and you don’t want to care for their children because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.

Press 11 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 18-year-old, unneutured, aggressive teenaged son.

Press 12 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick up the child you no longer want.

Press 13 if you have been feeding and caring for a “run-a-way” child for the last three years, are moving, and have suddenly determined it’s not your kid.

Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a kid off on your way to work.

Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a child in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the child with no message.

Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your kid that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our responsibility.