How To Bribe Me In An Attempt To Bend Me To Your Nefarious Will

How To Buy My Affections And Attention

Normally I am not corruptible, but if you ever want to try, here are five good ways to win gold stars from me:

1. Packs of Sampoerna Classics clove cigarettes. The freaking things used to cost a mint. People who give me packs of cloves earn lots of vodka and affection. My old roomie used to bribe me with Sampoernas before Philip Morris bought them out and made them impossible to find outside of Indonesia. I think she earned, like, at least six gold stars, though. Then they stopped making Classics, and I had ro settle for Sampoerna Mild A’s. Then Customs impounded the last bunch I ordered, so I am pretty much out of luck and having to settle for Djarum Bali Hais.

2. Hot crinkle-cut French fries. I think they have crack in them. They are so evil but every so often I get major cravings. No one ever thinks to bribe me with these. You guys are missing a cheap opportunity here.

3. White Russians. Especially frozen ones. I have been known to sing for White Russians. Sometimes I tell jokes or funny stories and actually remember the punch lines. Sometimes I dance around like a monkey on crack in high heels. Then again, sometimes I just fall asleep on a couch backstage. But all in all, a good investment if you value random entertainment.

4. Ferret treats. If you compliment someone’s ugly baby, they love you forever. Right? If you give my stinky weasel yummy treats and make him happy, then I, being naturally biased towards my fanged furbaby, will love you for that. Unfortunately, the only treats he likes are expensive star-shaped Chew-Weasel things.

5. Chocolate-covered espresso beans. I may not sleep for two days, but I will be a very happy caffed-up little camper. It’s like giving Beavis sugar. Fun for the whole family!

Hmm. Large sums of money also work. But no one but family members ever bribe me with money. What’s up with that? Show me the moolah.

I have had an extremely large Black Russian. Going to go lie down now. Murr. Bed good.

You Dirty Rat

Guess what?!

I was brushing my teeth in the downstairs bathroom when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Fortunately I am not overly superstitious, as I’d been watching a cable show about alleged hauntings (I find these shows hilarious). This particular “haunting” was short, dark,and furry. It came bounding happily down the stairs, probably from the kitchen. Apparently Murphy the Ferret has begun to invite friends over to the crib to party down without asking permission first.

Now, I’d like to say it was a squirrel. But, in my heart of hearts, I’m fairly certain it wasn’t. Two years ago, my grandmother had a run-in with a wild rat in her kitchen and brained it with a hot frying pan full of sunny-side-up eggs. It raced off, and the score was tallied at Rat: 1, Grandmother: 0. Then, being a genteel Southern lady, she sat down and had a mild attack of the vapours.

The next day, she was ready to curl up with a nice scotch and Virginia Slim and ogle that handsome Jack McCoy on “Law & Order” and a very deceased rat fell out of her afghan onto her lap. Score revised: Rat: 0, Grandmother: 1. My grandmother gets extra cojones points since she was 90 at the time.

Last year, my neighbors began complaining that a family of rats had taken up residence in their bathroom’s air conditioner unit. This was unacceptable, but they are dog nuts, with three voracious hounds that will eat whatever isn’t nailed to the floor, so rat poison was out. They have had to just live with the occasional rat sighting.

A month ago, I heard scritching noises in the ceiling. I had hoped it was squirrels. In Atlanta, you can rest assured it is probably just squirrels. It’s always squirrels. Not so Savannah. No, in Savannah, the squirrels live off the fat of the land and little old ladies’ bird feeders. Living indoors is too cushy for their tastes. The squirrels don’t do pampering. But rats? No problemo. They dig invading houses.

So it’s my turn to deal with rats. Hoo fucking rah. I’m so excited.

The problem is that they clear-cut the woods surrounding our neighborhood for a totally useless parkway. No woods, no habitat. This is why we get snakes, opossums, bugs, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, etcetera, invading the ‘hood. Their homes were stolen, so they’re out for payback.

Now, I’m not anal-retentively clean, but neither am I a fucking slob. I take my trash out and put dirty dishes in the dishwasher and so forth. My ferret, however, is less tidy. He manages to push half his food out of his cage on a daily basis. I sweep it up, he makes another mess. It’s a buffet. I’ve tried to feed him less, and he sulks and acts like he’s dying of starvation. I’ve tried feeding him in smaller increments more often, and he stops pushing his food out, but he gains massive amounts of weight and lolls around like a beachball. I haven’t figured out a way to balance the two scenarios. Either I have a happy, healthy ferret and a big daily mess, or I have a surly, fat ferret and a smaller daily mess.

So I’m standing there with a toothbrush handle hanging off my lip like a street hood sporting a cigarillo, and this rat streaks across the floor like a frat boy doing a rush prank across the quad clad in only a lampshade. I see a blur of fur and a very non-squirrel-like tail vanish into the utility closet, which is dark and scary and full of tools and boxes and a furnace and a maze of vents and pipes and vacuum cleaners and electrical wires and electronics that are incompatible with 1940s-era electrical outlets and fuses. No hot frying pan. No shoes, even. I’m in a slip and some lovely white crew socks. Very sexxay. Me versus a possibly rabid wild street rat. Rat: 1, Me: 0.

So now I have to call the exterminator, and I hate the idea. I like pet rats just fine. If Ratty was not in my house, I’d have no quarrel with it. I also fear having a dead, stinky, smelly rat carcass in my ceiling. Or an angry, half-dead rat stalking me. Or rat relatives seeking sweet, sweet vengeance: “My name is Inigo Rattoya, and you killed mah fadda. Prepare to die.” Some yellow-jumpsuited rat will hop out of the ceiling waving a plastic cocktail sword and everything will go all black and white and we’ll both shout stuff in bad Japanese and the rat will make a pop culture reference or two and then lots of grey ketchup will spray all over the place. I’ll wake up one morning and find a toy Breyer horse head in my bed looking at me.

The Bone solution–you know, the comic book guy?–would involve leaving out several tempting quiches laced with Drano. The stupid, stupid rat creatures would then eat the quiches and die. Horribly. Sure, they’d have all that quiche-y goodness, but Drano is a motherfucker. I can’t bring myself to clean out these rats’ pipes like that. I just want them out of the house.

Damn it. Every week, it’s some new infestation in this house! I still have a ribbon snake living somewhere behind the water heater. Too bad they don’t eat rats.

Ferret Ownership Pros And Cons

This is a ferret. His name was Woozle. On the off chance you haven’t seen one up close before, it’s not a meerkat or an otter or a lemur or a weasel (though all but the weasel would probably be pretty nifty, if demanding, pets). He was a ferret. (He did not get to keep the purloined clove cigarette, so settle down.)

I still have one around (his name is Murphy), but Woozle met his great reward (a bottomless food bowl full of treats?) in 2008.

There are certain advantages and disadvantages to having a “child” with fur as opposed to the normal type of  kid, with (mostly) furless skin, two legs, the (eventual) ability to speak and a frequently runny nose.

* Ferrets do not require orthodontia
* Ferrets do not like Barney. They might like to try to eat Barney, however.
* Having a ferret does not oblige you to endure meals at Chuck E Cheese or McDonald’s
* When you go to Toys R Us, you can buy toys for yourself
* Whereas you can clothe a ferret, if you’re so inclined (please don’t be THAT kind of pet parent), they do not outgrow $100 sneakers every three months.
* To my knowledge, no ferret has ever lost a retainer in the 60-gallon cafeteria garbage pails.
* Ferrets do not enjoy conversations that require you to answer “Why?” 400 times an hour.
* Ferrets are easily entertained by plastic grocery sacks. Human children tend to be dumb enough to attempt suffocation with them.
* Ferrets will not sneak out of the house and get pregnant, pierce themselves, tattoo their butts or knock over liquor stores
* No ferrets involved in Columbine shooting
* No ferrets involved in WTC bombings. Ferrets are, actually, notoriously unimpressed with promises of multiple virgins waiting for them in Heaven.
* Ferrets do not listen to the Insane Clown Posse.
* Ferrets do not shave their heads and become sullen and uncommunicative.
* No ferret has been caught getting schockered on unattended bottles of Manichevitz.
* Ferrets do not make you read the same book 6,000 times to them out loud.
* Ferrets do not argue about bedtime.
* Ferrets bathe themselves.
* Ferrets do not inherit genetic misfortune from you or your mate: all ferrets are cute, no ferrets go through “an awkward stage”.

* Ferrets and children tend to poop a lot, sometimes in unacceptable places.
* Occasionally ferrets and children will bite
* Ferrets and children can make horrific messes during the twenty seconds your back is turned
* Ferrets and children are irresponsible
* People enjoy looking at pictures of ferrets and children being cute
* People get bored after looking at more than a handful of photos of ferrets and children being cute
* Ferrets and children can only be trained to an extent
* Ferrets and children have short attention spans
* Ferrets and children get bored quickly.
* Ferrets and children can both vanish the minute your back is turned.
* Ferrets and children both attempt to eat nasty things, like dead bugs
* Ferrets and children attempt to eat unhealthy things, like cold French fries you threw into the garbage
* Ferrets and children both steal anything that isn’t nailed down
* Ferrets and children can get out of trouble by merely looking innocent and cute

* Ferrets do not smear poo or mashed potatoes on walls
* Ferrets do not stick beans up their noses or in their ears
* Ferrets can be walked on a leash without getting you hauled in for abuse
* Ferrets can hide under the refrigerator.
* Ferrets can also hide under the reclining chair and risk amputated limbs.
* Ferrets are generally quiet, unless they have stuck their paw in the dishwasher door you were closing
* Ferrets do not make macaroni glue art
* Ferrets do not make Mother’s Day cards
* Ferrets can get fleas
* You can’t ship a ferret off to summer camp
* Ferrets lack the ability to lie to you
* Ferrets do not grow up to be doctors, lawyers, artists, writers
* Ferrets can’t give you grandchildren one day
* Ferrets only live for about a decade or so
* Ferrets eat your inner soles out of your favourite shoes

It’s up to you to weigh the benefits and disadvantages and make an informed choice. 😉

Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence

Murphy the Ferret’s tin foil cap is not on too tight.

Some topics, especially when combined, which promptly give me a migraine:

Bilderbergers! Masonic symbols! Illuminati! Saltpeter in military food! Subliminal programming in the media! Reptilians! Crop circles! Ancient astronauts! Opus Dei! Vaccinations cause autism! Proctor and Gamble is Satanic! Fluoride is mind control! CIA KILLED JFK! Hollow Earth! Loch Ness Monster! Mothman! Men In Black! 9/11 was a false flag operation! Moon landing faked! Alien remains at Roswell! Free energy is being suppressed by corporations! Bermuda Triangle! Philadelphia Experiment! HAARP causes tsunamis! Priory of Sion! AIDS and H1N1 were manufactured diseases! Protocols of the Elders of Zion! CHEMTRAILS ZOMG! Princess Diana Murdered! Global Warming is a HOAX! The Tunguska Event! Marfa Lights! Rothchilds! Rockefellers! Obama is a Kenyan Muslim! New World Order! The Federal Reserve! Pan Am Flight 103! Vince Foster! Skull and Bones! Masons! Jewish people rule Hollywood and banks! Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia did not die! Eurabia! Crystal skulls! Nazca lines! 2012! 666! 13! The Da Vinci Code! Orgone! Vril Society Conspiracy! Men Who Stared At Goats! Who Killed the Electric Car? The Man! The Establishment! Phoebus cartel! Mossad! Commies, pinkos and reds! The military–industrial complex! Bohemian Grove! Committee of 300! Pilgrims Society! Le Cercle! Montauk Project! Project Rainbow! Unified Field Theory! Time travel! K-holes! Paul is dead! Elvis is alive! Phantom time hypothesis! TIME CUBE! Subdermal GPS trackers! The Mafia! The Devil hand sign! THEY LIVE!

This is not to say that stuff that exists does not exist. Obviously the Federal Reserve is a real thing. It’s all the conspiracy theories tied to these things that make my eyes cross. With all the wonders and genuine mysteries in life, why indulge paranoia by getting really wild with the conspiracy theories and looking for symbolism and special numbers and secret signals and so on?

I am just saying: I’m going to assume your tinfoil hat is on too tight.

Back your wild-eyed conspiracy theories with some verifiable facts from a couple of reputable, peer-reviewed sources, and we can talk about it.