What Not To Do With A Hot Pocket

What not to do with a Hot Pocket:

1. Eat it.

But let’s just say you’re hungry and poor and tired of ramen, Chef Boyardee or even the delicious home-cooked leftovers that you have reheated four times already because they are stuck together in a frozen ball the size of your head and you can only chip off a little bit at a time.

Or perhaps you live in your basement, collecting crumbs in your neck beard, and don’t want to pause while smiting orcs long enough to eat food that requires utensils (or two hands).

Whatever. (Or, as former Republican Senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown might say, at least on Twitter, ”bqhatevwr,” dude.)

Let’s say that you have access to a Whole Wheat Lean Pocket with broccoli and turkey and cheese in it, and which you can pretend is slightly healthy.

What not to do with a Hot Pocket or ”Lean” Pocket:

1. Misread the directions because you’re pie-eyed from fatigue
2. Nuke one Pocket for the amount of time you’re supposed to nuke TWO Pockets
3. Act surprised that your Hot Pocket is a Hot Briquette, as in charcoal.
4. Eat it anyway.

I guess “briquette” is marginally better than a properly-cooked Hot Pocket, which includes lava inside, surrounding a still-frozen center.

Jim Gaffigan: “‘Will it burn my mouth?’ It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month.”

This PROTIP is brought to you by poverty, the fact that I’m out of skim milk for my cereal…and the fact that I had a Lean Pocket in my freezer and probably need upgraded glasses.

The World’s Best Sugar Cookies

The World’s Best Sugar Cookies


3/4 cup (or 1 1/2 sticks) of butter (not oleo, not margarine, but butter)

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 teaspoon real vanilla extract

1 heaping teaspoon of lemon rind (you’ll need to grate a lemon’s peel)

3 cups of regular, sifted, flour

1 teaspoon of baking POWDER

1/2 teaspoon salt

Beat the butter with the sugar until it is creamy (using a hand mixer).

Beat in eggs, vanilla, lemon rind until fluffy.

In another bowl, sift your dry ingredients together.

Spoon the dry ingredients bit by bit into the creamy bowl with your mixer and stir well to make a stiff dough.

Divide the dough into quarters (should be about the size of an orange) and wrap dough in wax paper. Chill at least two hours, though it works best if you chill it overnight.


Now that you have waited for your dough to chill and for the flavours to set, you’re ready for the fun part. Take one of your dough bundles out and flour down a wooden cutting board and a wooden rolling pin. (I’ve tried non-wooden ones and the dough is too sticky and takes too much flour.) Roll it thin. Use cookie cutters or a knife to cut cooky shapes. Decorate them with a sprinkling of sugar sprinkles (coloured granulated sugar). Place on a cookie sheet and bake at 350o for ten minutes TOPS.

VOILA! The world’s BEST sugar cookies. They are to die for.