Funny Stuff Someone Else Blogged

Some great stuff I didn’t write, from a blogger named “muk”:

1. THE GOOD NEWS: because you chose to wax, you won’t see any regrowth of hair for weeks. Why?

Because it is AFRAID. When it does return, it will come in fine and soft, not stickery.

THE BAD NEWS: Now you have to wait a few days before resuming sex. Or doing anything besides lying in front of a fan with your legs spread (have one of those Glade Scent-Story things going; this can attract gulls.)

Chances are you ain’t gonna feel much like exposing your nethers to the public anyway, nethers which are asking you ‘Why? Was I bad??’ in a trembly little voice and will be for at least a day or so. 

and

2. I was on a Stonehenge kick about ten years ago. I read every nonfiction book and article I could find on the subject. What I learned is that nobody knows who built it or what its for, but they DO know that it’s 1. big, and 2. made of rocks.

Is it just me, or are you remembering “This Is Spinal Tap,” too?

Good stuff.

Meanwhile, I am trying hard to find something funny to say about everyday annoyances like AIM not connecting and my laptop going into a several hours-long reboot loop just when I have two papers due. Why? ‘Cause that shit just isn’t funny.

It doesn’t even make a good anecdote.

Frankenlolcatz and Fake Fone Friends

Make your own Lolcatz Cat Macros the Lazy Wanker way: LolCat Builder.

Pros: No catz or Photoshop needed. Funny lazy people can now Haz More Caturdaze.

Brilliant!

Cons: Expect a sharp drop in lulz-worthy offerings in the future as unfunny lazy people make lolcats.

Lolcat iz displeased.

In other technology news, you can now schedule a mobile phone call. Why would you want to do that? Well, what if you’re on a blind date, and want to have a “no hard feelings” way to go home early if necessary? What if you’re feeling lonely and unpopular because all your friends get calls all the time? (Hopefully you aren’t that sad.)

Well, now there’s the The Popularity Dialer!

“With “The Popularity Dialer”, you can plan ahead. Via a web interface, you can choose to have your phone called at a particular time (or several times). At the elected time, your phone will be dialed and you will hear a prerecorded message that’s one half of a conversation. Thus, you will be prompted to have a fake conversation and will easily fool those around you.”

Choose from several different calls: the standard popularity call, the female popularity call, the affirmation call, the “return to the office” call, the “cousin in need” call, the new!  “band practice” call and the new! ” male english lover” call.

If you have the opposite problem, too many phone calls from too many would-be beaus because you just can’t stop giving out your number to losers in bars, there’s the good ol’ Rejection Hotline service.

“Why Does The Rejection Hotline Exist?

The dating scene is full of people who can’t take a hint or can’t take “no” for an answer (and many who apparently can’t take showers, can’t brush their teeth, or can’t seem to go out in social settings without awkwardly embarrassing themselves).

Anyway, the Rejection Hotline exists as a simple alternative to uncomfortable situations and it is a public service to both the rejector and to the rejectee.

The rejector has an easy way to get rid of unwanted suitors, to express a lack of interest in a non-confrontational manner, and to gracefully escape an uncomfortable situation.

The rejectee , on the other hand, is able to hear the bad news in the privacy of his/her own home without being subjected to public embarrassment and/or ridicule from anyone who otherwise might have witnessed a more public rejection. Further, there are no unanswered “what if’s,” no desperate assumptions of “I must have just mis-dialed,” and no ambiguity – all of which are common by-products of the *randomly selected fake numbers which were more common before the advent of the Rejection Hotline.

* Note: Randomly selected fake numbers also disturb innocent people – like little old ladies, pizza delivery shops, and any household unfortunate enough to have Jenny’s 867-5309 as their number. Yep, we’d like to think we’re helping them too.”
And now you have the power! the power of social engineering! the power to run up your own mobile phone bill! the power to ward off scary, stinky people with a real number that isn’t yours! (They even have business cards, man.)

Use your new powers wisely.

 

Working With Passive-Aggressives

Passive-aggressive co-workers are the worst.

You know, so soft-spoken and sweet and all on the surface, but quick to go behind your back and whine and plot and agitate mutual acquaintances and tip-toe tap-dance around stating an actual opinion straight out until it can be delivered at the most inopportune, unpleasant, WRONG time possible? These are people who think they are right, deep down, and they harbor a deep resentment against people who actually have assertive personalities and the ability to express a simple thought out loud directly, and they write nasty (possibly unsigned) letters and slip them under your door or stick them with magnets to the communal fridge, and huff off to stare at their Robert Kinkaid prints and Ziggy and Cathy cartoons in their cubicle until their likewise maladjusted buddies slip over to poke the coals some more. They hold grudges and pick fights from afar so they have plausible denial later for being instigators, they whisper behind your back, they cry crocodile tears and pout and act like puppies being kicked for no reason and I HATE that personality type. So soft and sweet and mean as snakes when they don’t get their eay, and it’s so hard to figure out what the hell they want until there’s drama splooging all over the place. They are seriously stressful humans to work or live or associate with. Grrr.

I have worked with WAY TOO MANY of these women. They drive me batty.

That said, I’d gladly endure a whole horde of them to have a steady paycheck and a full-time job again. We do what we must.

Creationism as conspiracy theory, and the teaching of the Urey-Miller experiment

I can’t improve upon this. An excerpt:

Some time, you may want to start a conspiracy theory. If you want to learn how to do this, you cannot do better than study the antics of the creationists, and especially their Discovery Institute (DI) think tank.

Creationists absolutely need to have a conspiracy theory. That is because their position contradicts everything that scientists has been telling us for the past 200 years, or even, in its Young Earth version, the past 300 years. If creationism is true, the entire intellectual establishment has been lying to you.

All conspiracy theories work the same way. Like the most unpleasant kinds of religion, they divide humanity into two groups, the illuminated and the benighted, and offer membership of the illuminated, if you will only accept their central doctrine. To qualify as a conspiracy theory, that doctrine has to pour scorn on the most obvious or scientifically validated explanations of the facts, and replace them with the belief that these explanations, or indeed these facts, are fabricated by a close-knit group of wicked people (in this case, the Wicked Evolutionists, or WE), cynically manipulating the evidence for their own disreputable reasons. Once this belief is in place, it is self-sustaining, since all evidence to the contrary is tainted, coming as it does from the Unscrupulous Scientists (US).

The next step in setting up your conspiracy theory is to find a group of people who already want to believe you. Most of us, after all, spent most of our thinking time on looking for evidence in favour of what we want to believe. So find a group of people who already have reasons to want your claims to be true. They might, for example, wish to believe that the Government is hiding evidence of UFOs, or that NASA is a giant scam, or Barack Obama should not be President of the United States, or that Government should not interfere with the operations of industry.

Then give them an excuse, however flimsy, for believing. Believing that aliens landed at Roswell, or that the Moon Landings were faked, or that Obama was born in Kenya, or that there is no such thing as man-made global warming. Or, at least, for believing that the topic is controversial. If all else fails, your own voice raised in denial of reality can be used as evidence that the controversy is real.

You’ve now got US in a cleft stick. If WE ignore you, you can continue unchallenged. If WE reply to you, that proves that there really is a controversy. And if WE try to explain that there is nothing worthy of a reply, you can claim, as William Lane Craig claimed when Richard Dawkins refused to debate with him, that WE are scared of you.

Enjoy the rest of the article here: Creationism as conspiracy theory, and the teaching of the Urey-Miller experiment.

When You Hurt, You Do Not Care

It’s funny how cramps and all the fun things that accompany them completely eradicate my intellectual curiosity in most things.

Stuff I Currently Do Not Care About:

Pluto Not Being A Planet. If Pluto had feelings, I might care. If I had plans to visit, I might care. The educational system in the United States is already piss-poor, so I’m not even concerned about the confusion certain six-year-olds taking Earth Science (or whatever they call the course we all took when we were in first grade that taught us about the solar system) might feel. As far as I’m concerned, they don’t have to memorize 56 planets, so they should be grateful.

The War In Iraq. At first I cared a lot. I cared mostly that it was a war directed at the wrong country for the wrong reasons and that a lot of people were dying. Then I realized that the United States has to have a pissing match with some godforsaken scrap of real estate every five years or so, for whatever reason (probably to continue to have an excuse to spend billions of dollars on the military and related industries), and it’s [name your favourite godforsaken clump of land that’s grossly outmatched by US firepower but manages to avoid being obliterated for months if not years on end] all over again. We never learn. We’re bullies. Wait…shit. I do care. Never mind.

Cute Shoes. I ache. I don’t care if they are shiny, pointy, high-heeled, designer, on sale, special, glow-in-the-dark, magical dancing shoes. Expecially if they are faerie-tale-style Deadly Dancing Shoes. Those are bad. I’m wearing fluffy bedroom slippers right now.

Sports. Golf? Football? Tennis? I’m so fucking bored. Keep sports on the sports channels. Channel 41, I am looking at you. Please also give up your fascination with Adam Sandler movies and Rob Schneider movies and Jim Carrey movies and “that unfunny guy who was in Zoolander” movies. I don’t care. One unfunny childish voice or unfunny fart joke or unfunny grimace and tic and I’m watching CNN instead. I’m warning you. Fuck your ratings.

People Pretending To Be Girls Online Who Are Not, In Actuality, Girls. People still talk on IRC? Are you kidding me? That’s so 1993. But we knew how to spell back then. People who are so socially backward that they have to resort to typing dirty words to strangers to get a thrill? Try a real date. They are fun.

The Ever-Declining Quality Of The Anita Black, Vampire Hunter Series. It all went downhill during “The Killing Dance”. Will it ever not suck again? I don’t know. I stopped buying the damn things. They turned into bad fan fiction. One might argue that it wasn’t high art to begin with. I’d agree. But there’s good, entertaining stupid and bad, hack-like stupid. I can’t believe people are still talking about it. Has my Facebook news feed gone back in time? Next up: “POGS–Yea or Nay?”, “So I Herd Vanilla Ice Ripped Off Queen And David Bowie,” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN? LOLOLOLOL,” and “Jimmy Hoffa Reported Missing.”

Republicans Being Boobs. This is news? To anyone? What rock have you been living under?

Gas Prices. They are high. It sucks. Maybe you should not have purchased that goddamned SUV, then, right? Ever hear of carpooling? Shut up.

Digger The Dermatophyte Attacking My Toenails. I use soap. My toenails are safe.

A Short List Of Things I Do Care About:

Meerkats. They are nifty.

Ice Cream. I care that it is cold and sweet and makes my stomach feel good. I care a lot that I am almost out of it. Ice cream, don’t leave me! *sobs*

Advil. I love thee, pain killer. I love your little orange roundness. I love you most when you actually work and I don’t hurt. Not loving you enough at the moment. Get cracking.

The Cool Side Of The Pillow. I am currently sweaty. Ten minutes ago I was shivering. I fucking hate fucking cramps.

Murphy. He’s a sweet fuzzy boy. Somehow he knows I feel bad. Pets are good like that.

Sleep. Time to get some of that. Yeah, buddy. Wish me luck. I was awakened rudely at 4 AM with Cramps. I’m SO firing Cramps, and without severance pay or two weeks’ notice. Cramps, you suck.

We’re paying much more but using it less, the ‘good life’ is really causing me stress.

Between my mother, the workmen, the electric company, my school’s website having issues and Google Hangouts acting up, I have had more than enough aggravation for one day.

On the mother / electric company front, she tasked me with yelling at them for kilowatts costing too much. I don’t think she understands HOW BILL IS FORMED.

The electric bill includes a handy graph showing a break-down of energy usage over the past year. We are using (only slightly) less energy now than we did at the same time last year. Since the difference in energy usage isn’t dramatic, but the price is apparently higher than it was in the past, the logical person would think, “Hmm. We used the same amount of energy but are having to pay more. Maybe the electric company is being greedy and charging us more for energy this year.” It says right on the bill that we aren’t suddenly doing something weird to increase the amount of energy we consume. Using logic…that would be too easy.

She is fixated on the idea that there is an energy leak somewhere. We are using fewer appliances now than then, as one room is being worked on (and she insists that the power tools are not the energy sucks) and we turned off one A/C unit upstairs. I try to do laundry and dishes every other week instead of weekly if I can (since I had two floods this week and have nasty towels, I don’t have that luxury this time and must wash them this week or end up with swilly, stinky towels), and to avoid using the stove and oven during the hot months. The porch light was disconnected due to construction. Oddly, this has not made much of a difference.

I am not secretly running a Studio 54-like disco — with racks of lights and a kickin’ sound system and overheating blenders concocting oceans of White Russians for people in polyester pants — in my living room at night, I swear.

The bottom line is that the electric company is charging more per kilowatt this year, and the problem will not go away by tackling it from the “sit in the dark without air conditioning” angle. We are already using a less energy than we did last year, even if we are paying more (assuming this is not just her flawed perception, like the electric company appears to think it is). We are already using a lot less power than we did last month.

She needs to yell at the electric company for their pricing–not that it will do any more good–because that is where the problem is. If you are using LESS energy now but paying MORE, then the problem is the COST, not the AMOUNT.

Yes, I could sit in the dark more often, but I have work to do. It is an impractical solution.

One good solution is to do nothing, as it is October, and the problem will resolve itself as it gets cooler and we turn off the A/C window units, which I suspect are the biggest kilowatt hogs in the house.

If the title of this blog post rings a faint bell, it’s inspired by line from this old tune:

Politicians Have The Shittiest Merch! Here’s Some Snark And Pictures To Prove It.

Feeling excited about the upcoming debates and Election Day, but your red, white and blue stars and bars merchandise turns out to have been made in a sweatshop in China? (Gah! I hate it when that happens! Stupid Wal*Mart!) No worries! We have just the stuff to help you show your support for your favorite candidate (as long as your favorite candidate is Obama or Romney; sorry, they were all sold out of Ron Paul 2012 roach clips).

Not even a teeny tiny bit Kenyan. Yes, Orly, we are very sure.

Not even a teeny tiny bit Kenyan. Yes, Orly, we are very sure.

1. The “Eff you, crazy Birther nutters, Hawaii was SO a state in 1961” Obama merchandise!

First up is one of many “Here’s my DAMN birth certificate, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” products available at Barack Obama’s website. For $22.50, this mug can sit proudly on your desk within your cube…and possibly piss off your humorless Tealibangelical Bircher boss which will land you on the unemployment line. Hmm. That does not sound wise.

For $22.50, this mug can live (slightly less proudly) in a cabinet at your house and you can just quietly drink your Obama java in the privacy of your own kitchen. Yeah, that’s probably the safest thing to do. Times are hard, yo.

2. The Romney-Ryan campaign’s “You Misquoted That!” T-shirt

A competent designer did not build this. A chimpanzee with MS Paint did.

A competent designer did not build this. A chimpanzee with MS Paint did.

Not content with allowing floods of advertising to choke the airwaves with a selectively-edited clip which turned Obama talking about how American citizens traditionally support each other in this country, and how we all benefit from the infrastructure and foundation of basic services when we wish to start a new business venture into “OMG I HATE BUSINESS RAWRG”, now Romney fans can get an “I Fail At Context!” t-shirt.

Obama said, “The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some things, just like fighting fires, we don’t do on our own. I mean, imagine if everybody had their own fire service. That would be a hard way to organize fighting fires. So we say to ourselves, ever since the founding of this country, you know what, there are some things we do better together.”

As FactCheck.org says: “[T]he Obama campaign said the president was referring to the construction of roads and bridges when he said “you didn’t build that.” (Again, the president said: “Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that.”) The campaign also posted a new Web video in which the narrator says, “Actually, he was talking about building ‘infrastructure and education’ … ‘not that individuals don’t build their businesses.’ ” […] Taking snippets of his speech ignores the larger context of the president’s meaning that a business owner does not become successful “on your own.””

Ye Olde Romnye Swagge Shoppe wishes to show how hip ‘n’ happenin’ it is with this awesome T-shirt (available in grey, gray, silver, pigeon, dust, graphite, smoke, grayish-gray, granite, heather gray, and ash) which was recently a huge hit at the RNC where the “We Couldn’t Come Up With A Better Slogan Than Our Opponent’s Words Taken Out Of Context!” T-shirts sold like platinum pancakes. You missed it? Oh, you were probably watching Honey Boo-Boo. It’s OK. We understand.

That which has been seen...cannot be unseen. O_o!

That which has been seen…cannot be unseen. O_o!

Fuck it, this is a boring-ass thirty dollar T-shirt. If you’re voting for Team Mighty Whitey, then you can probably afford it if you want it. Knock yourself out. The other parents at your kid’s lacrosse game are going to be really impressed and surprised by your fashion daring. Pearls will be clutched and monocles are going to be popping out left and right!

3. Special “Team O & Joe” iPhone covers, for the brave Obama supporter who doesn’t mind risking resentment from random strangers who assume s/he is on welfare, and who can weather any and all assumptions being made by total strangers about his or her state of employment.

Pimp My Phone.

Pimp My Phone.

Here’s one of four different designs, all of which are specifically for iPhones, and which cost fawty bone a pop. Hasn’t the Obama campaign gotten the memo? The word “iPhone” has the power to make people lose all compassion and empathy for the less fortunate. It is like magic sparkling envy dust gets sprinkled all over the damn place. There was even a douche-y tag on Twitter (#ButUGotThatIPhone5Tho) that was popular for about five minutes, until most of the people spreading it around were shamed by their peers for their blatant racism and jerkitude (or simply got tired of picking on people too poor to be able to afford Internet access).

The Obama merchandising team should have stuck with some simple stickers, and instructions for how to apply them to a pair of tin cans and some string, because the United States is one of the few places on Earth where the barely comfortable and stinkin’ rich alike are actually jealous of the impoverished and needy and oh my heck, look. You Poor Folk can’t give them any ammunition like having some material object that doesn’t totally suck ass. May we recommend dressing in sackcloth and ashes whenever you have to be seen in public?

I have to admit that my mobile phone bill has been greatly reduced.

I have to admit that my mobile phone bill has been greatly reduced.

4. The Romney Family Fridge Magnet

WHAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUP, PEASANTS?

WHAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUP, PEASANTS?

What could be finer than to see the exquisitely well-groomed and blandly attractive Ann-toinette and Mittens waving cheerfully at you as you examine the cavernous emptiness within your refrigerator? But hey, if you’re hungry, and your cupboard is more bare than Mother Hubbard’s, you’re probably not voting for the Billionaire Bubble Boy anyway. Hmm.

Okay, let’s try a new marketing angle: For ten clams, Romney voter, you, too, can fasten Jeeves’ To Do List to the freezer door in style!

5. To say nothing of the dog.

Arf.

Arf.

The Obama family dog, Bo, stars on this awesome car magnet. Wink wink, nudge nudge, get it? A dog on a car magnet? Yes, Bo is glad that he gets to ride inside, unlike some people’s dogs, not that we’re naming any names or anything. This magnet, complete with an adorably grinning puppy-dog face, can be yours for a tenner!

I’m not even a Dog Person per se, but geez, that dog is ridiculously cute.

6. Mitty-mitty bling-bling!

Mitty...er...MINTY fresh!

Mitty…er…MINTY fresh!

You can pay thirty dollars to buy a Romney “R” logo charm on a cheap necklace chain. Try not to think about how much it looks like you dropped some Aquafresh down your collar.

I'm just sayin'.

I’m just sayin’.

7. Biden beer-cuddler thingie.

Check out the Velvet Biden painting in the gift shop. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Check out the Velvet Biden painting in the gift shop. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

The Obama campaign cares deeply about the potability of your favorite beverages, and nothing is a bigger downer than lukewarm liquid refreshment! This can coozie will make your can feel cozy and secure, like a little Biden-enhanced thunder shirt for cans, and keep your drinkables drinkable by keeping them a few degrees cooler than they would be if they were left all naked and neglected because you didn’t force them to wear a little can outfit with Joe B.’s smiling mug printed on it. It’s a BFD, and it can be yours for ten bucks.

8. Free “Amercia the Beautiful” iPhone App

D'OH! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

D’OH! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Don’t ever say Mister Mitt never did anything for The Poors. This app is 100% free, so even the dependent victims in the 47% can afford it! Amercia! Land taht I loev!

Oh wait. The serfs don’t have iPhones, do they?

9. Obama’s Free Find-A-Dem app!

...Of COURSE they are at a Starbucks.

…Of COURSE they are at a Starbucks.

This is pretty cool. It’s a way to electronically bell all the cool cats in your vicinity. Someone who doesn’t hate gay people and who won’t tell women to take off their shoes and go make sandwiches? Someone who owns books?! This has intriguing possibilities. We expect this app to be particularly popular with Democrats in Red States…

…because we’re SO RONERY. 😦

10. Awesome Captain of Industry Biz Cards!

The Romney campaign is offering Mitt-approved business cards for a limited time only. Impress your colleagues with your keen appreciation of the finest things in life.  Your choices:

  • Bone paper stock, with Silian Rail lettering.
  • Eggshell paper stock, with Romalian type.
  • Raised matte lettering on pale nimbus white paper stock.
  • Subtle off-white coloring, tasteful thickness…Oh my God, it even has a watermark.
Priceless!
"Well, it is very nice, but fortunately it is not as nice as my Mitt Romney promotional swag business card!"

“Well, it is very nice, but fortunately it is not as nice as my Mitt Romney promotional swag business card!”

… Just for the record, Lorelei’s business cards are things of beauty. Eat your coworker’s heart out.

Original post was published at Addicting Info.