What Not To Do With A Hot Pocket

What not to do with a Hot Pocket:

1. Eat it.

But let’s just say you’re hungry and poor and tired of ramen, Chef Boyardee or even the delicious home-cooked leftovers that you have reheated four times already because they are stuck together in a frozen ball the size of your head and you can only chip off a little bit at a time.

Or perhaps you live in your basement, collecting crumbs in your neck beard, and don’t want to pause while smiting orcs long enough to eat food that requires utensils (or two hands).

Whatever. (Or, as former Republican Senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown might say, at least on Twitter, ”bqhatevwr,” dude.)

Let’s say that you have access to a Whole Wheat Lean Pocket with broccoli and turkey and cheese in it, and which you can pretend is slightly healthy.

What not to do with a Hot Pocket or ”Lean” Pocket:

1. Misread the directions because you’re pie-eyed from fatigue
2. Nuke one Pocket for the amount of time you’re supposed to nuke TWO Pockets
3. Act surprised that your Hot Pocket is a Hot Briquette, as in charcoal.
4. Eat it anyway.

I guess “briquette” is marginally better than a properly-cooked Hot Pocket, which includes lava inside, surrounding a still-frozen center.

Jim Gaffigan: “‘Will it burn my mouth?’ It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month.”

This PROTIP is brought to you by poverty, the fact that I’m out of skim milk for my cereal…and the fact that I had a Lean Pocket in my freezer and probably need upgraded glasses.

Sorry, But I Don’t Care What The GOP Thinks Anymore

After Biden kicked ass in the Veep Debate, some conservatives were posting stuff like, “Sorry to burst your bubble, but Republicans see it differently.” Well, the GOP see a lot of things differently, and it doesn’t make them right.

It’s members of the GOP who think it is OK to parse “kinds” of rape, making up nonsense phrases like “legitimate rape” and “forcible rape,” and to use their definitions as an excuse to deny someone medical care or legal recourse.

It’s members of the GOP who think stealing electionsvoter disenfranchisement and voter ID laws, voter registration fraud, and True The Vote vigilante groups are all a good thing, and not Jim Crow 2.0.

It’s members of the GOP who hate science, denying evolution and Climate Change.

It’s members of the GOP who insist that the NAACP is “racist“…they probably do not understand what racism actually is.

It’s the GOP who have politicians saying “let Detroit go Bankrupt” and then taking credit for the revival of the auto industry, when not denying that there has been a revival.

It’s the GOP who have politicians creating a popular healthcare program and then turning around and hating it when it becomes “Obamacare.”

It’s the GOP who have politicians suggesting that the failing housing market needs to hit rock bottom, and blaming the poor for accepting fraudulent loans, then pretending it is to their credit when things get better.

It is the GOP pretending that Obama “promised” to lower unemployment statistics to under 8%, and using that as a cudgel to slam POTUS with for 43 straight months, and then who claim that the Bureau of Labor Statistics is making its numbers up when the unemployment rate dips to 7.8%.

It’s supporters of the GOP threatening to fire workers if they don’t vote for Romney.

It’s members of the GOP who fail to see the value of PBS, NPR, Pell Grants, museums, national parks, the Arts and other life-enhancing programs that supplement a decent education (which they aren’t keen on spending much money on, either).

It’s members of the GOP who think it is OK to erode the separation of Church and State (as long as you erode it in favor of Christians).

It’s the GOP who support things like Citizens United, calling corporations “people” and money “free speech.”

It’s the GOP who don’t care that FOX News viewers are the most misinformed about current events and politics.

It’s the GOP who think that Bush’s crappy policies and wild spending are irrelevant now that he has left office, but refer back to Lincoln and other historical political figures and try to claim their policies ARE relevant.

It’s the GOP who has members praising the idea of slavery as “not being so bad.”

It’s the GOP who hate the idea of Affirmative Action and civil rights, or who deny that discrimination even exists, and who think it should be okay for a businessperson to refuse to serve gay people or people of color if s/he chooses to.

It’s the GOP who claim that “white women voting for Obama is just like black people voting for the KKK.”

It’s the GOP who claim that people vote for Obama just because they “want “more free crap.”

It’s the GOP who think that millionaires and corporations need government money and hand-outs, but the poor and needy do not.

It’s the GOP who has nut factions like Birthers and Tea Partiers.

It’s the GOP who insists on supporting outdated fossil fuel-based energy sources while sneering at alternative ideas.

//
//

It’s the GOP who tried to legislate that rising sea levels be an off-limit topic.

It’s the GOP who opposed the Lily Ledbetter fair pay law, and who try to meddle in women‘s private medical decisions or oppose covering contraceptives with insurance while not blinking an eye that erectile dysfunction medication is covered.

It’s the GOP who keep trying to place Bible-based signs and displays in public (taxpayer-funded) or government buildings.

It’s the GOP who insist POTUS is a Kenyan Marxist Muslim Socialist Communist Atheist Manchurian Candidate Usurper-in-chief.

It’s the GOP who try to base their policies on both Ayn Rand and Jesus, despite the two having mutually exclusive values and ideas.

It’s the GOP who based their entire RNC theme on a comment from POTUS which was taken out of context, and who are airing similarly edited adverts that do not accurately reflect what was said or meant.

It’s the GOP who say things like “some girls rape easy.”

It’s the GOP who rally to deny gay people equal rights.

It’s the GOP who have some weird problem with feminists and think that treating women as equals makes your penis shrink.

It’s the GOP who has mouthpieces calling women “sluts.”

It’s the GOP who scoff at the idea that there is some kind of Republican War On Women.

It’s the GOP, especially the Tea Party wing, which is freaking out some of our staunchest allies world-wide.

It’s the GOP who caused the United States to suffer a revised (lower) credit rating from Standard and Poor’s.

It’s the GOP pushing abstinence-only sex ed, which is a failure.

It’s the GOP raising hell and blaming Obama whenever gas prices go up, while remaining oddly silent when they fall…even though speculation has a lot more to do with gas prices than anything any president does or doesn’t do.

It’s the GOP signing pledges written by and listening to advice from un-elected nutjobs like Grover Norquist.

It’s the GOP protesting social safety net programs, while Red States consume the bulk of all social safety net programs.

It’s the GOP running “shadow Democrat” puppet candidates to split votes or rig elections.

It’s the GOP who keep getting caught saying racist shit, or posting racist signs, or damaging or stealing yard signs.

It’s the GOP who insist humans and dinosaurs co-existed.

It’s the GOP who think Obama went on an “apology tour” that never existed, while ignoring Romney’s “insult and offend tour.”

It’s the GOP who are proposing policies that have been examined by, among others, the non-partisan Tax Policy Center, and pronounced “mathematically impossible” and unworkable.

It’s the GOP who refuse to pay attention to fact checkers.

It’s the GOP who have been gunning for Medicare since day one.

It’s the GOP who have been caught calling Obama a Socialist who wants to take away Medicare, the same program they seek to gut or destroy.

It’s the GOP who wants to privatize Social Security, ignoring that it is doing just fine as is, and that privatization of Social Security prior to the 2008 bank collapse would have ruined anyone relying on Social Security to survive.

It’s the GOP who resist raising the payroll tax ceiling (FICA) that funds Social Security, locking it at 97k/year (I’m told that this has been raised to a little over $1o6k/year, which is still nowhere near the proposed minimum of $200k/year that Dubya resisted adopting), instead of raising or eliminating it, because they feel it is unfair to the rich, who should pay the same into Social Security even if they earn millions a year as someone earning 97k a year (or, now, a hair more than $106k a year).

It’s the GOP blocking jobs bills, including veteransjobs bills.

It’s the GOP who ignore legitimate polls conducted by professional polling organizations when they don’t go their way, while clinging to opinion polls hosted by conservative websites.

It’s the GOP who think ketchup and pizza are vegetables.

It’s the GOP who cry out for already-provided birth certificates (that no candidate has ever had to provide before) while ignoring that their candidate is hiding his tax returns (that every candidate since George Romney has traditionally provided), and who think college transcripts (that no candidate has ever had to provide before, and which cannot be shared freely with third parties due to federal law) are equal to tax returns.

It’s the GOP who think it is OK when their candidate is aggressive and lies, but cry foul when the Dem’s candidate is assertive, laughs, and tells the truth.

It’s the GOP who can’t figure out why it is wrong to impose your personal religious beliefs on everyone by making those beliefs into legislation.

It’s the GOP who do not understand HOW BABBY IS FORMED.

It’s the GOP who pretend that the media has a “liberal bias.”

It’s the GOP who espouse trickle-down / horse & sparrow economics and coddle the rich while sneering at the poor.

It’s the GOP who think “papers please” laws are OK.

It’s the GOP who think privatizing prisons is a great idea.

It’s the GOP who think listening to our allies on any subject is weak.

It’s the GOP who think we care about what a bunch of chickenhawks have to say about starting new wars.

It’s the GOP who think we have too many police officers, fire-fighters, and teachers.

It’s the GOP who have tried privatizing social services like firefighting and policing, with devastating results (like burned-down homes).

It’s the GOP pushing the Welfare Queen myth and announcing that they don’t give a crap about 47% of the population.

It’s the GOP going on witch hunts for Muslims and Communists.

It’s the GOP fighting unions and increasing the minimum wage.

It’s the GOP who encourage going after peaceful protesters with live ammunition and pepper spray.

It’s the GOP who support ALEC-backed laws like Stand Your Ground and who try to portray victims like Trayvon Martin as thugs.

It’s the GOP suggesting that we raise the retirement age.

It’s the GOP fighting healthcare.

It’s the GOP who believe in “ex-gay” therapy, which denies science and has been proven to be a failure.

It’s the GOP being obstructionist and filibustering and vowing to make Obama a “one-term president” from day one.

It’s the GOP Photoshopping Obama into “witchdoctor” images and worse.

It’s the GOP who go around all butt-hurt and try to report websites, Facebook groups and individuals they disagree with.

It’s the GOP who propose we build a bigger wall between the US and Mexico and oppose the DREAM Act.

It’s the GOP who oppose even talking about gun ownership restrictions, and, in fact, recommend that every citizen be issued a Glock.

It’s the GOP who are forming groups specifically designed to harass people at polling sites.

It’s the GOP who attack fictional characters like Spongebob, The Lorax, Tinky-Winky, Dora the Explorer and Big Bird for “brainwashing” children.

It’s the GOP promoting the most clownish buffoons possible and pretending they are serious candidates for higher office.

It’s the GOP accusing non-partisan groups like the Tax Policy Center, NASA (and scientists in general), the Bureau of Labor  Statistics and the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities of being partisan when facts do not concur with Republican talking points.

I could go on, but suffice it to say that I do not care one iota if the conservative world view once again fails to reflect reality or promotes bad ideas, or disagrees with my own worldview. They have a right to believe as they wish, but when they are wrong, as they often are, then I have a right to reject their nonsense. I am appalled every day to hear the amount of utter crap coming out of the mouths of some Republicans. They make the conservatives I know personally–who are good people–look bad by association, and I am utterly sick of it.

Sad but true: reality has a liberal bias.


Lorelei welcomes you to visit Liberal Lore on FacebookTwitter, her blog, or at Addicting Info.

Republicans Think Unemployed Women Need Ladylike Manners and Charm School Lessons

New York State Senator Marty Golden wants unemployed women to take “Posture, Deportment and the Feminine Presence” classes. Yes, he is a Republican. This is what he is promoting, rather than “equal pay for equal work” or job-creating legislation. I am guessing that this is because he is a big misogynistic idiot, but maybe I am just not in touch enough with my Feminine Presence to understand his manly wisdom and brilliance.

 

 So. Is this the new Republican “thing”? Thinking that ladies need to know how to walk around with books on their heads more than they need equal pay for equal work, the right as adults to make their own healthcare and reproductive choices, or not to be deemed a “pre-existing medical condition” because they have vaginas?

As a PROTIP, Republicans, I WAS brought up with “deportment classes” because I was supposed to be a debutante. I never mastered the “book on head” thing, but I know how to properly comport myself at a formal dinner and which arcane bit of silverware to use when, how to introduce two dignitaries to each other properly, how to cross my ankles and get into and out of cars in a lady-like fashion, ballroom dancing, all those old fashioned rules about what not to wear when, how to curtsey, when to remove your white gloves and when not to, and all those so-called “lady skills”. I own several etiquette books and I read them all. Guess what? THIS STUFF DOES NOT GET YOU A JOB, and, in fact, will often make your bosses and co-workers uncomfortable if you behave like an old-fashioned, mannerly, etiquette-knowledgeable lady these days.

Look, guys, “Lady Skills”–much like insisting upon speaking correctly and using proper spelling and grammar–often make your bosses and co-workers feel uncomfortable. It is sad but true. Consider these skills to be nice “cherry on top” life skills, but don’t pretend that people are going to understand or appreciate your new “Proper Lady Graces”, because they are going to think you are fucking weird. Trust me on this. I have gotten more shit from my peers for behaving properly and with respect towards others and following etiquette and deportment rules than I have doing anything else in life. THEY DO NOT GET IT. THEY THINK YOU ARE A NUTBAR. THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE IT. Sometimes it even makes them feel bad about themselves. How does this help you get a job, really? Do you think balancing a textbook on your head is a life skill someone is willing to pay for? It isn’t.

About the debutante thing: I told the Cotillion / “debutante mill” people to go fuck themselves and refused to make my debut because they did not allow non-white or non-Christian debutantes. If my friends weren’t allowed the same privileges and Society didn’t deem them presentable or want to meet them, then I had no time to waste on being presented to that Society. It was and is not a Society I want to be a part of. Fuck them.

Look. It is an accident of birth that I qualify to belong to Colonial Dames or Daughters of the American Revolution, and I don’t meant to disparage those groups at all. Truly, I am not. I’m just saying that it doesn’t make me “better” than anyone that my ancestors got here earlier than someone else’s, or that they did so as wealthy landowners or businesspeople and not as someone’s “property.” It is an accident of birth that my ancestors made a mark on history (for instance, my nieces are going to grow up knowing they are related to Meriwether Lewis and John and Abigail Adams and people that several counties in Arkansas and Georgia were named after, just as a small sampling, and maybe it will inspire them to be excited by history, as a bonus), and I am proud of them too, but I can’t take credit for their accomplishments, if you know what I mean.

I do not consider it my greatest accomplishment in life to have the accidental fortune to be born white and upper-middle class. I can take no credit for those things.

Anyway, fuck these people and their Feminine Presence classes bullshit. I’m living proof that it is just a distraction and something that will NOT help you get employed, especially if there are NO JOBS. It won’t help women get fair pay. It won’t do anything but annoy and insult a bunch of unemployed women and teach them skills of dubious value in this day and age who would be better served using that time applying to more jobs instead.

Thus endeth my rant.

 

Conservatives: Nasty When Winning, REALLY Nasty When Losing

It’s bad when you’re a sore winner and gloat for months on end. It’s worse when you’re an adult, and a really sore loser.

Please take a moment and compare the reactions of conservatives to the Obamacare ruling to the reaction of liberals to the Citizens United ruling. There is a difference between being disappointed or upset and acting like a crazy person while implying that SCOTUS Justice Roberts’ epilepsy meds made him crazy (or wishing death on the justices).

WTF is wrong with these people?

They are mean-spirited, gloaty, sore winners when things go their way and nasty, petulant, crybaby losers threatening armed revolution, wishing death on others or speculating someone has gone insane when they are denied their way.

“Conservatives have exhibited a veritable rainbow of bad reactions to Thursday’s announcement. Former Fox News personality Glenn Beck has taken to selling Chief Justice John Roberts T-shirts that say “Coward” on his website ($30 plus shipping and handling). Matt Drudge and others have been blaming the ruling on Roberts’s epilepsy medication, although presumably his ruling on Citizens United was not affected by the same factors.

Merrimack, New Hampshire libertarian and Tea Party president Mike Malzone has gone further than others in his outrage, declaring in a Facebook post on the Merrimack Tea Party page, “I hope the (5 Supremes supporting ACA) get colon cancer.””

Charming.

Sometimes everyday ordinary conservatives exhibit similar behavior. Here’s an interesting exchange from Facebook:

Lucy D****: “Well I am Conservative and I don’t hate. Some of my best friends are Liberal*. So you can understand how I find this post offensive!”

Marcela V******: “And you [Lucy] are a huge liar. I just went to your page and it’s filled with pure hate and all your KKK friends post just as much garbage as you do. You call the President every racist and vile name you can think of and then you come here talking like you’re pure and sweet. I reported your page as well for actual hate speech and the use of racist words.”

Chest S********: “This is not a public opinion survey, it’s a fucking Facebook page, so you can understand how I find your post tedious. If you don’t like my page or its content, there is a lot of internet out there for you to be self-righteous on. Good day.”

And from Politico:

‎”Democratically elected representatives pass a law that is signed by the president. The G.O.P. yells and screams that the law is unconstitutional (even though the mandate was their idea), so it goes to the Supreme Court. Now the Supreme Court decides that, in fact, the law is constitutional.

So what’s the next big idea from some of the best and brightest of G.O.P. governors? Hold off implementing any parts of the health care law until the November 6th election has passed, at the very least. Refusal to apply for grants, set up health exchanges or do anything that would benefit the people of their state is the new top priority. In a surprise move (at least to me), Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is not among those looking to play games and wait until the last minute to get anything done in compliance with the A.C.A.

Of course the Obama administration had prepared for such nonsense from the G.O.P. :

“The Obama administration sent a clear message [after Obamacare was upheld by SCOTUS] that it is prepared to begin creating state-by-state health insurance exchanges in places where politicians hostile to the Affordable Care Act refuse to do so.

A White House official stressed that Republican governors’ resistance to the law will be no barrier to the creation of the exchanges. All 50 states, the official said, will have exchanges by 2014.””

* Did you catch that? “Some of my best friends are [members of a particular–usually minority–group]” is almost always a dead giveaway that you’re dealing with a jerk.

I Won’t Mention the Magic Underpants

Republicans run the worst candidates. I have conservative friends and family members and they are close to donning sackcloth and ashes in despair over Mitt Romney.

Let’s take a look back at the quality candidates that competed to win the nomination crown this election season. To be fair, I am going to strive to say something nice about each of the Republicans who had Formally Declared or formed an Exploratory Committee with an eye on running for President in 2012!

Michele Bachman: Your crazy eyes are a lovely shade of blue.

Herman Cain: Godfather’s Pizza used to be very tasty…when I was a small child with undeveloped taste buds.

Newt Gingrich: For a fat guy, you don’t sweat much. Your chutzpah when condemning Democrats for hypothetical ethical lapses is impressive for a man who left not one but two wives while they were languishing in hospital beds and who was censured when Speaker.

Jon Greenspon: Ex-Marine. OORAH.

Jon Huntsman: Your veneers are very white and shiny. Actually, even though I disagree with Huntsman politically, I still liked the guy and thought he was a decent human being. That was when I knew he was doomed to fail.

Gary Johnson: He does not attend church, is pro-choice, anti-big government, pro-immigration, an outspoken critic of the war on drugs and favors legalizing marijuana. And no one knows who the eff he is.

Fred Karger: Self-hating gay guy, but check out his nice suits!

Andy Martin: Spammed “Is Obama a Kenyan Muslim?” emails all over the globe, so clearly has the wild-eyed enthusiasm Teabaggers admire. Has at least one interesting necktie.

Thad McCotter: Plays a mean lead guitar for his band, the New Flying Squirrels. Or so his fan says.

Jimmy McMillan: Even though HE lives in a rent-controlled apartment, he knows that YOUR rent is probably too damn high.

Tom Miller: Likes our Founding Fathers…even if he does not understand exactly what they said.

Roy Moore: Survived West Point and has never been caught shooting anyone in the face. So he’s already one up on Dick Cheney.

Ron Paul: His legion of neckbeard basement-dwellers are all super passionate on Teh Intarweebz, and willing to overlook his racist newsletters and pro-life stance because he pinky-swears that he might legalize pot.

Buddy Roemer: Has an extremely friendly first name.

Mitt Romney: Best. Hair. It’s nice, innit? Too bad about the crazy Christian cultists he’s strapped to himself like ticking bombs. Has the aplomb to lie over 600 times since January and not turn into a pillar of salt from shame. Such a successful businessman that he wants to shield the American public from jealousy by concealing his tax records. Not capable of feeling shame when caught running political adverts with a fragile or non-existent link to reality and truth.

Rick Santorum: Yields most entertaining (if disgusting) results when searched on Google.

Vern Wuensche: I have to admire the chutzpah it takes to run for office with that jawcracker of a surname when your most fervent supporters can’t spell basic English words.

The Hilariously Inept Shenanigans Of Rep. David Rivera (R-FL): Fake Democrats, ‘Bad Girls,’ And Election Fraud, Oh My!

It’s almost like a Carl Hiaasen novel. A corrupt Republican politician with Saint Reagan hung in a place of honor on his office wall (and his fingers in too many unethical pies) who tried to hide his tracks via the generous application of — wait for it! — correction fluid on the damning documents. A fake Democrat “shadow candidate” deployed to influence an election in Rivera’s favor, who hid his race (white) on fliers targeted at African-American communities. A Republican political operative who bragged about how bad-ass she was and how rough she liked to play, who liked to crow about the time she stripped bare and fired a gun at her ex-husband, and who has mysteriously disappeared. An increasingly testy herd of unsmiling Government Suits who are circling around like hungry sharks. Oh, Florida! Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Larry, Moe and Shemp
Florida Representative David Rivera has been the subject of five different ethics violation investigations since 2006, which include tax evasion, campaign finance fraud and money laundering. Rivera apparently felt that he needed to add to his criminal résumé and so he tried some election tampering on for size by funding a fake Democrat to siphon votes, donations and support away from his real Democratic opponent in a primary challenge.Read the rest of the article at Addicting Info!